


Someone to Lean On

by Himizu_chan



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Aggressive!Chekov is really hot though, Angst, Chekov wants to get into Sulu's pants, Cutting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Protective Spock, Sulu is a perfect gentleman, Sulu wants Chekov in his pants, Sulu's childhood kind of sucked, Uhura is a Chulu shipper, seriously so much angst, these boys are just fluffy pandas
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-08
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2017-12-31 19:51:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 58,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1035702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Himizu_chan/pseuds/Himizu_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was supposed to be just a one-night stand. But somehow Pavel Chekov and Hikaru Sulu just keep finding each other again. Sulu is hiding a dark past and Chekov is struggling with numerous tragedies, but if they can learn to rely on each other, they just might be able to save each other from the darkness. Lots of angst and darkness, but also plenty of sexy Chulu romance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Morning After

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Really it’s astounding how fanfics come into existence. I’d been considering writing a Chekov/Sulu fics for ages because I find the pairing unbearably hot. I mean, it’s kind of crazy how much I love this pairing… way more than any pairing in any fandom anywhere. But really, this fic’s beginnings were almost absurd. First I read a fanfic in which Sulu and Chekov had a one night-stand in the Academy, and I found that incredibly sexy, so yeah, I totally borrowed that idea. I love the idea of them having a one-night stand and going off their separate ways and then meeting up again later… it’s like fate or destiny or something, they’re meant to be together. Actually, I love anything that involves these two in the Academy together… or anything Chulu-related in general, because I’m an obsessed little child. Anyways, so then I wrote this one scene that’s in chapter 7 and I basically challenged myself to put these two ideas into a fanfic… and here we are. 
> 
> This was my first attempt at a real Chulu fanfic, only my second Star Trek fic in general, and also my first fic from any fandom in the angsty hurt/comfort and romance genres, but it's been really well-received on Fanfiction dot net so far...
> 
> Currently rated Mature, but might change to Explicit... I'm not quite done with the fic, and I've already done some stuff that's borderline... but we'll see.
> 
> Each chapter (with a few exceptions that will be noted at the beginnings of their respective chapters) will be written half from Chekov's point of view and half from Sulu's point of view, as I found that it made the story flow really well.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, nor do I have any affiliation with same. No profits are being made from this work, etc. etc.

###  Chapter 1: The Morning After 

Pavel Chekov woke up in an unfamiliar room, in an equally unfamiliar bed. That was his first clue. He shifted his body and felt the sheets slide against his bare skin, shivering as cool air touched his bare shoulders when the sheets slipped off. That was his second clue. The third clue was the taste in his mouth, sour with vodka, semen, and some other flavor he couldn’t identify. Something just a little spicy, yet sweet at the same time.

Running his fingers through his own curly hair, Chekov considered the situation. He’d clearly gotten very drunk and hooked up with someone. Since he was in an unfamiliar room, it wasn’t with his roommate Jason, which happened whenever neither of them had managed to find someone. The taste of semen in his mouth told him that he wasn’t with his on-again off-again girlfriend Erica.

“Vell sheet…” he muttered under his breath, his Russian accent even thicker than normal when clouded by sleep and a very likely hangover. Now he was going to have to sneak out of this guy’s room. Chekov was acutely aware that he was still a couple months shy of his 17th birthday, very much underage, and he knew that whoever he was with could react badly in the light of day, not to mention newfound sobriety.

Chekov twisted to look at the sleeping figure next to him, and he couldn’t help but gasp. Lightly bronzed skin, soft-looking black hair feathered across his forehead… Apparently Chekov had managed to hook up with the most gorgeous Asian man on the planet. And then he felt himself shudder as memories rushed through him, of frantic lips and grasping hands and sweat-slicked bodies moving together. A smile crossed Chekov’s face for a moment, but it faded as his head began to pound. Or maybe it had always been pounding, but it had been lost in the haze of sleepy confusion.

Rolling back over, Chekov started to push himself upright, then collapsed back into the pillow as his head spun and his stomach turned. Damn hangovers… far too much vodka last night. Thankfully not enough to black out the memories of mind-blowing sex though. His stomach heaved and a few dry coughs racked his body.

The man next to him stirred. Chekov froze, holding his breath, hoping that the other man would stay asleep. He gagged, praying he could force his legs to propel him to bathroom before emptying the contents of his stomach. 

The handsome Asian stirred again, rubbing his forehead and mumbling sleepily. “Mmm… the hell… never going to party again…” he growled. Chekov stared, unable to tear his eyes away. Finally deep brown, almost black, eyes fluttered open blearily before locking onto him. “Hey… um… good morning, I guess,” the man said finally.

“Uhh…” Chekov tried, wondering what the fuck the proper protocol was when dealing with a one-night-stand on the morning after. But before he’d made up his mind about what to say, his stomach heaved again and he clapped his hand to his mouth as he gagged again.

The Asian’s brilliantly dark eyes widened. “Oh shit!” he exclaimed, nearly launching himself off the bed. He grabbed a wastebasket from somewhere near the foot of the bed and stepped quickly to Chekov’s side, making it just as the first wave of vomit began leaking through the Russian teens’ fingers.

Chekov had never felt so mortified in his life. Tears pricked at his eyes as he emptied the contents of his stomach. His companion, to his credit, didn’t even flinch, just held the wastebasket in place and soothingly rubbed his back and urging him to get it all out of his system. After several agonizing minutes, there was nothing left to purge, and Chekov was left dry-heaving for another minute before letting his head drop. The sour scent of vodka-filled vomit had him dry-heaving again. As he coughed, he spotted his t-shirt on the floor and reached out to grab it, using the garment to wipe his hand and his mouth before finally daring to lift his head to look the other man in the eye.

“I am so sorry,” he whispered, terrified of the reaction he was going to get.

The corner of the Asian’s mouth twitched a little. “Am I that bad?” he asked, feebly attempting to make a joke.

Chekov’s eyes widened. “Vhat? Nyet! Nyet, you are…” He paused, not knowing what to say, and feeling like ‘gorgeous’ and ‘perfect’ were a little much right now. “I… too much wodka last night… I am so sorry…” he gasped again.

“You’re sure?” the man said. Chekov nodded meekly. The man took the now-soiled t-shirt and the wastebasket and walked off, probably to dispose of them in the recycler. Chekov quickly took the opportunity to slip into the bathroom to wash his hands and rinse out his mouth. He splashed a little cold water on his face and tried to steady himself before stepping back out into the bedroom.

The Asian man was back, and wearing gray Academy sweats and a dark blue t-shirt. He was digging through his dresser drawers and not looking in Chekov’s direction. Chekov quickly retrieved his underwear and pants from the floor and then sat down to put on his socks and shoes. The jeans he’d been wearing were thankfully still clean and presentable-looking, but he was minus a shirt now.

His companion finally turned to face him, though he couldn’t quite seem to meet Chekov’s eyes. “Here, you can wear this. You can keep it; I have a million like it.” He held out a black t-shirt with the name of a local high school on it. Chekov had seen several other Academy cadets wearing similar shirts when not in classes.

“Oh… thanks… um…” He paused, racking his brains for the name of the man he’d just spent the night with and coming up empty.

The Asian closed his eyes for a half-second. “Hikaru,” he said finally.

“Oh. Um… Pavel,” Chekov said, suddenly feeling even more shy and awkward than before, which he hadn’t realized was possible.

“Pavel…” Hikaru nodded slowly. He had the strangest expression on his face. It was almost… resigned. “Um… shit, I don’t even know how to ask this… How old are you?”

Chekov winced. He’d had a feeling that this was going to come up. “Eighteen?” he tried nervously, hoping that maybe Hikaru would want to be in denial enough to not press the point. No such luck though, seeing as Hikaru’s dark eyes had narrowed even more, glaring at the Russian in front of him. “Sewenteen…” he whispered. A skeptical eyebrow rose. Chekov winced again. “…In a couple more months.”

Hikaru looked a little dazed at that knowledge. His fist clenched, but he took a deep breath and his face remained perfectly composed. “Okay… good to know. Um… So… Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Fine. I’m fine. Too much wodka last night. Dat is all.” Chekov stared up at Hikaru, willing him to look him in the eye. When he actually did, Chekov grinned one of his patented sweet adorable grins that always seemed to make people around him melt. It seemed to work on Hikaru too since he actually got a half-smile out of the serious-looking man. “My head doesn’t feel right though,” Chekov admitted.

“I thought as much,” Hikaru agreed. “You want me to make sure you get back to your room okay?”

“Nyet, you do not haff to!” Chekov exclaimed. “I haff… I haff been enough of a problem for you already dis morning.” He stood up too quickly, and swayed on the spot. Hikaru caught him easily.

“Is that your final answer?” he asked. Chekov knew he was blushing as he stared down at the carpet.

The walk to Chekov’s dorm room seemed to take an eternity as he leaned against Hikaru, but he found that he didn’t really mind. After getting over the initial humiliation, he found he didn’t want to leave behind the comfort of the other man’s arm or that lovely sweet scent that surrounded him… But they were at his room and Chekov was fumbling for the access code when the door opened and he was greeted by his roommate.

Jason was a true California surfer-boy type with white-blonde hair and ocean-blue eyes that were normally sparking with laughter, but right now he took one look at the sight in front of him and practically dragged Chekov into the room. “Dude, where the hell have you been? Who’s this?”

“I’m nobody. See you around, Pavel,” Hikaru said, and then he was gone.

“What the fuck, Pav?” Jason exclaimed.

Chekov blinked. He knew he probably owed Jason an explanation, but all he wanted to do was fall into bed and sleep for the rest of the day, or at least until this headache went away.

“Haven’t I told you a thousand times? You don’t just hang out in the morning! You get outta there, man! You don’t let them bring you home!” Jason was saying.

Chekov nodded absently as he staggered into bed. His head hit the pillow and he was soon asleep, trading in Jason’s lecture for visions of Hikaru’s beautiful bronzed muscular body.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu’s first thought when he woke up that morning was to help the young man in his bed before he got sick all over Sulu’s bedroom. But the second thought as he comforted the distressed youngster was to slowly realize how very VERY young the man really was. He’d felt the bottom slowly drop out of his stomach as the young man looked up at him. This wasn’t a man, this was a BOY… barely out of childhood by the look of things. So pale, with bright red spots on his cheek from the exertion of emptying his stomach. Sulu thanked the deities for his own strong stomach that didn’t instantly try to empty itself when the sickly-alcoholic smell reached his nostrils.

The boy had the most enchanting dark brown curls Sulu had ever seen and he had surprisingly vivid memories of running his fingers through those curls all night, pulling on them in the heat of passion, getting his fingers tangled in their softness. It nearly made him hard again, but thankfully the teen was too sick and embarrassed to notice.

When he finally did look up, Sulu’s heart nearly melted as he met those insecure hazel eyes. He hated himself thoroughly now for debauching this kid, this child who shouldn’t even have graduated high school yet. Sulu’s lips moved almost mechanically as he tried to gauge how the kid was feeling, and also tried to pretend he wasn’t still absolutely mesmerized. And the kid’s Russian accent… devastatingly adorable. Sulu wasn’t even the slightest bit surprised when the kid explained that he’d been drinking vodka. Of course he had. He was Russian. Did they drink anything else over there?

Sulu had to get out of the room, so he hurried out into the kitchen of his apartment to get rid of the vomit-filled wastebasket and stained shirt in the recycler. Once out of the bedroom, he attempted to gather his shattered composure.

Sulu was never going to a party again! Ever! He normally avoided those types of gatherings, but a couple of fellow TA’s had decided to drag him along to this one, and he had gone because it had seemed like a half-decent way to kill a night. And that one guy had been there… Daniel, or David, or Darryl, or whatever the hell that guy’s name was… This guy had been trying to get into Sulu’s pants for the last three years and had been plying him with drinks all night. And Sulu had been half-convinced that maybe giving Daniel-David-Darryl a chance was a good idea when they’d gone out on the dance floor and it had been so crowded out there and so confusing with all the gyrating bodies and flashing lights… and somehow he’d lost track of Daniel-David-Darryl and wound up grinding against this skinny curly-haired young man. And the younger man was very drunk and waving around a vodka bottle and actually kissed Sulu right on the lips! Right there on the dance floor! It had been as intoxicating as if Sulu had drunk right from the vodka bottle. And it hadn’t even occurred to him to notice just how damn young that kid was because he was at a Starfleet Academy party and the kid was wasted on vodka and who expects a teenager to be at a party like that anyways? And so they’d danced for a while longer and then they’d gone straight to Sulu’s apartment and locked themselves in his bedroom, and… well! It had been a fantastic night right up until all that alcohol wore off and Sulu regained his sanity.

Shaking himself out of his reverie, Sulu walked quickly back into his bedroom and found it empty. The sound of running water from the bathroom answered that question, and Sulu quickly pulled on sweatpants and a t-shirt and tried to figure out exactly what he was going to do about this situation.

Before he’d really had time to collect his thoughts, the kid emerged from the bathroom again, looking way too sexy and adorable to even exist. Sulu quickly looked down at the dresser, suddenly remembering that the kid’s shirt had been thrown out. Finding a suitably generic shirt for the kid, Sulu gathered up his courage and turned around to find the teenager staring shyly up at him with those heart-stopping hazel eyes. Sulu had to look away. He could not afford to find this kid attractive anymore, he just couldn’t… “Here, you can wear this. You can keep it, I have a million like it,” he said quickly, hoping it didn’t sound like he was babbling or terrified or upset…

“Oh… thanks… um…” The kid looked suddenly tongue-tied. And then it hit Sulu. They’d never actually introduced themselves at any point during the grinding on the dance floor, or after that kiss, or on their way to his apartment, or… He was going to stop thinking about this now.

“Hikaru,” he said.

“Oh. Um… Pavel,” the teenager replied. His cheeks reddened even more. It was clear he’d never experienced anything remotely like this awkward morning after and Sulu felt even more disgusting than before. This kid was way too innocent. Never mind that he’d been drinking and dancing at a wild house party, this was a whole different level.

“Pavel….” Hikaru paused. Fuck, he was just going to ask. Maybe he was just tormenting himself, but he had to know how badly he had fucked up last night. “Um… shit, I don’t even know how to ask this… How old are you?”

The teenager winced. He seemed to understand exactly where Sulu’s thoughts were at. “Eighteen?” he suggested meekly. Sulu grimaced. He would not allow his feelings to be spared right now, and he tried to communicate that using only his eyes. He must have been successful because Pavel blushed. “Sewenteen…” he whispered. Sulu couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow, because really? And sure enough, the kid winced again. “…In a couple more months.”

Sixteen. Motherfucker. He’d seduced a sixteen-year-old. Fucking really? Sulu realized he’d been clenching his fist and he quickly relaxed it. “Okay… good to know. Um… So… Are you sure you’re okay?” He was operating almost on autopilot again. He needed to get this kid the hell out of here and never think about him again.

Sulu realized that Pavel had been speaking again and quickly looked at him, trying to pretend he’d been listening. When he met those beautiful hazel eyes, the boy grinned. It was so sweet and adorable, Sulu couldn’t help but return the smile even though part of him wanted to go off and commit hara-kiri for defiling something that adorable and innocent. “My head doesn’t feel right though,” Pavel was saying.

“I thought as much,” Sulu quickly agreed. “You want me to make sure you get back to your room okay?”

“Nyet, you do not haff to!” And Pavel actually sounded shocked that Sulu would suggest such a thing. “I haff… I haff been enough of a problem for you already this morning.” He jumped to his feet, looking like he might bolt right out of the apartment, but then he swayed and would have fallen over if Sulu hadn’t stepped forward and caught him.

“Is that your final answer?” Sulu asked wryly, and he was rewarded by Pavel’s cheeks seeming to catch fire again, and he really couldn’t decide whether to ruffle his hair or pin him down to the bed again. But that was a VERY dangerous line of thought, especially since he now knew the kid’s true age, and soon they were walking through the hallways towards Pavel’s room. Sulu was a little embarrassed about walking through the halls at this hour with someone who was clearly feeling the effects of a night of excess, but he ignored it and concentrated on helping the young Russian.

When they reached the boy’s dorm, the door opened almost at once. A handsome blonde whose blue-eyes were slightly bloodshot from lack of sleep stood in the doorway. He grabbed Pavel, and Sulu could have sworn he felt the boy grab slightly at his t-shirt before they were yanked apart and Pavel stumbled into his own room.

“Dude, where the hell have you been? Who’s this?” the blonde exclaimed angrily. Sulu couldn’t tell if this guy was a boyfriend or just a really freaked-out roommate, but he decided at once that he wanted no part in whatever might follow.

“I’m nobody. See you around, Pavel,” Sulu said quickly, and he practically bolted off down the hall, trying desperately to banish the memory of those giant hazel eyes that had been practically pleading with him to stay. He hurried off to his apartment and stumbled into the shower, trying to wash away the previous night’s excesses. But not matter how much he scrubbed; he couldn’t get rid of the smell of Pavel’s skin, the feel of those silky-soft curls, and the taste of vodka from their first sloppy kiss on the dance floor of a house party.


	2. A Happy Birthday, Maybe?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just an FYI, I’m planning to keep up this same chapter format, write half of it from Chekov’s point of view, and then the second half from Sulu’s point of view, because I really like the way it’s working out. Hopefully this doesn’t give anyone fits.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek or any characters. This was written for my own enjoyment, and to entertain others without making a profit.
> 
> Warnings: Some non-explicit sexual conduct, references to masturbation, excessive fantasies, and some bullying.

It had been a couple of months since Pavel Chekov had woken up in Hikaru’s bed. He hadn’t seen the handsome Asian since that fateful day, and Chekov simply wasn’t sure how he felt about that fact. On one hand, he realized it was probably good. Their parting had been awkward… very awkward… and Chekov would just as soon erase that particular morning from his memory forever. And certainly Hikaru would not want to share a bed with an underage teen again. Yes, it was definitely for the best that they not meet again.

And yet… Whenever Chekov closed his eyes, all he could see was that faintly bronzed skin, those mesmerizing dark eyes… Chekov had a crush, big time, and he was drowning in his own obsession. He fantasized about Hikaru constantly, and often caught himself staring off into space when he was supposed to be doing schoolwork. It didn’t take long for Jason to call him on it.

“Are you fantasizing about that hot Asian again?”

Chekov was yanked out of his fantasy, which had involved his tongue and Hikaru’s very well-toned chest. “Huh?”

“That hot Asian that you hooked up with a couple months ago? Seriously, smoking hot. No idea how you managed to land that guy. You should get some kind of award for it. But seriously, man, why are you still hung up on him? You know he’s gonna run as fast as he can in the opposite direction if he sees you again.”

“Da, I know,” Chekov agreed.

“So why are you still daydreaming like a lovesick teen over him? You have Erica, man! You shouldn’t need to fantasize about anyone else when she’s around!”

Chekov glanced sharply over in Jason’s direction. Jason rarely spoke about Chekov’s sometimes-girlfriend, except to inquire if this was one of the weeks where they were together or one of the weeks where they were apart. This was certainly the first time Chekov had had any hint that Jason might be… attracted to Erica.

In all fairness, Erica was incredibly pretty. Petite with poofy blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes, she would have looked amazing hanging off of Jason’s arm, trailing alongside him down to the beach to lay in the sun while Jason surfed. But she’d never glanced twice at Jason, and he’d never shown an interest in her… until now. Chekov was confused, but he had no time to get lost in this train of thought as the door chime sounded.

“PASHA!!!” Erica squealed, hurling herself into the room as soon as she was let inside. She threw her arms around her boyfriend and kissed him happily. “Are you ready to celebrate your birthday?”

“You know dat my birthday is not until tomorrow, da?” Chekov asked.

“You’ll be seventeen at midnight. Close enough,” she said with a shrug. “Jason’s coming too, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it,” Jason replied with one of his devil-may-care grins. Erica linked her arm with Chekov’s and the trio hurried off to dance in clubs and drink at bars until they collapsed.

After a wild night of fun and youthful mayhem, they wandered back to the boys’ room. They got to the door and Chekov turned to say goodnight to Erica, but she pushed her way into the room too. Chekov was confused. Jason was with them still, and Erica and Chekov had never hooked up with Jason around. But to Chekov’s surprise, there they were in his room, and Erica was kissing him and pulling his shirt off and Jason was just lying there on his bed, enjoying the show. And then Erica was taking off her own shirt and placing kisses down Chekov’s chest and stomach, and then she turned to Jason with the most endearing ‘what are you waiting for’ expression. And then Jason was stripping off his clothes too, and Erica was looking up at Chekov and asking what he thought of his birthday present and before long the three of them were rolling around on Chekov’s bed together and for a little while, there was no place he’d rather be.

But then morning dawned and Chekov’s first thought was of Hikaru. And his second thought was of Erica and Jason. But how could it not be when the two of them were curled up together with his arms around her waist and her hand on his thigh? And Chekov was quite alone on the other side of the bed and suddenly the room seemed too small and stuffy and he had to get away. Taking a shower didn’t seem to help at all, so he threw on his jeans and went for a walk to clear his head.

Happy birthday indeed. He was seventeen and far from home, his girlfriend and his best friend were cuddled up in HIS bed, and he was at a school that was just like all the other schools where fellow students teased him because of his intellect, and the guy he wanted to sleep with again had vanished from his life as quickly as he entered it. Chekov couldn’t help but smile ruefully. Today was a hell of a day for teenage angst to decide to rear its ugly head.

His wanderings took him to the Academy gym, and he glanced idly through the window, and his heart nearly stopped. Hikaru was there, wearing karate pants and a sleeveless shirt and he was FENCING! Chekov couldn’t tear his eyes away as Hikaru moved, graceful as a dancer or a gymnast. The quick fancy footwork, the agile thrusts and parries as he bounded around the training dummy… Chekov’s heart melted a little as he watched, fingernails digging into his palms. Okay, this was probably the best birthday present he could have ever hoped to receive…

Realizing that he should really not be standing here drooling over a guy who would in all likelihood never want to see him again, Chekov reluctantly turned away. He’d barely started walking when he found himself surrounded by several older cadets. This particular group had tormented him more than once, but usually he was able to outrun them before they became too abusive. But this time they’d caught him by surprise.

“Well look what we have here… the boy wonder, out for a walk all by himself. Where’s your babysitter, little one?” one of the cadets taunted. He was taller than Chekov by at least a foot, and very broad-shouldered and solid-looking. Chekov took a few steps backwards and found himself against a wall.

“You know, you wrecked the curve on our last physics test,” another cadet said. “We shouldn’t be putting up with this from someone who still needs a glass of warm milk from his mommy before bed.”

Chekov knew there was no safe response to this, so he kept silent. The first cadet punched him in the face. Chekov turned with the blow and was able to deflect most of it, but his face still stung and he wasn’t quite ready when that same cadet stepped forward and grabbed a handful of Chekov’s unruly curls, yanking the teen towards him.

“What do you think, should we take him someplace a little quieter where we can really teach him a lesson about what happens to punk-ass children who think they can play with the big kids?” he asked. The others in his gang nodded and they started walking and Chekov was really thinking this might be the worst birthday of his entire life and hoping that they wouldn’t go too far so he could drag himself back to his room in a reasonable time after being pummeled when a voice spoke nearby.

“What the hell is going on here?”

It was a voice that Chekov had not imagined he’d hear again… the one that had haunted his fantasies, invaded his blurry memories of heavy petting and low curses as hips ground together… He managed to glance up, even as his head was still bent forward in the grasp of the older cadet. Sure enough, there stood Hikaru in those karate pants and sleeveless shirt that would be featured prominently in Chekov’s next fantasy… He was sweat-drenched and gorgeous and very VERY angry… Wait, angry? Yes, definitely angry, with one hand on his hip and the other hand clutching the foil he’d been practicing with.

“None of your business,” the cadet still holding Chekov’s hair snapped, but he sounded just a little nervous. 

Hikaru’s eyes narrowed. “Cadet Roberts, unless you release that kid right now, I WILL report you to security for assault on a fellow student, and I WILL proceed to thrash you to within an inch of your life until they arrive. Don’t act like you think I can’t.”

The behemoth (Roberts, apparently, Chekov had never actually stuck around long enough to find out the names of his tormenters) finally let go of Chekov’s curls, and Chekov stumbled a little before regaining his balance. Hikaru glared at the other cadets until they walked off, leaving Chekov and Hikaru alone, regarding each other warily.

“Um… thanks,” Chekov said shyly, running his hand through his curls and massaging his scalp a bit. Hikaru’s eyes seemed to soften for a moment as he studied the Russian.

“No problem. I hate bullies. You okay?”

“Da. Dey had not done much besides taunt me,” Chekov said with a shrug, deciding not to mention the implied threat of a severe beat-down if Hikaru hadn’t shown up when he did.

“Well then how did you get that bruise?”

Chekov blinked, fingers moving automatically to the spot where Roberts’s fist had connected. “Dere is bruise?” he asked, rubbing the spot gently.

Yes, Hikaru’s expression had definitely softened. “It’s not that bad. Really. Do you… have to deal with those guys a lot?”

Chekov blushed. Only his second real conversation with this guy, and both of them were ranking among the top twenty most embarrassing conversations he’d had in his life... maybe even top ten! “Sometimes. Usually dey cannot catch me… I am too fast for dem.”

“You run from them?”

“Vell, I cannot fight dem,” Chekov said with a shrug and a half-gesture towards his slender frame.

“Are you fast?”

“Da. I ran cross-country back in Russia,” he admitted. “But I haff not done dis here at Academy.”

“Cool,” Hikaru said, one corner of his mouth turning up. “That’s really cool. But… they caught you this time.”

Oh, that was not a direction he wanted this conversation to go. Chekov stared determinedly at the floor. “I vas not paying attention. Dey surprised me.”

“I see.” And Chekov had the uncomfortable feeling that Hikaru did see… all too well. “So… um… what were you doing before those punks caught up with you?”

Chekov shrugged. “Just going for a valk.”

“At this hour? By yourself?”

“Da... I vas tinking about getting breakfast,” Chekov added as his stomach gave a rumble, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten in quite a while.

Hikaru’s tumultuous dark eyes narrowed. “Roberts and his gang might still be around. Where’s your roommate at?”

“Back at room. Probably still asleep. Vit my girlfriend.” Oh crap… Why did he say THAT??? Hikaru’s eyes had widened and his mouth opened a little. Chekov shook his head quickly. “I am sorry. Please forget I said anyting. I haff to go.” And he turned and started walking away when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Hikaru had somehow closed the distance between the two of them and was stopping him from leaving.

“Hey, I know it’s not really any of my business, but if you need to talk… or, you know, if you need some company…”

Chekov was so tempted to say yes. So incredibly tempted… But he could not do that, not to Hikaru… someone he barely knew, someone he wanted too badly to know… But something must have shown in his face because Hikaru just nodded as though Chekov had accepted his company.

“I really need to shower and change… but if you want to come back to my apartment… it’ll take ten minutes and then we can go grab some breakfast.”

“Dat… dat vould be wery nice…” Chekov admitted, because it really would be nice to spend some time in Hikaru’s company, and it was his birthday, damnit! It was about time he got something he wanted today. So he found himself walking alongside Hikaru, back to his apartment.

Hikaru seemed to be regretting the invitation by the time they got there because he looked very awkward as he glanced around the living room. “Um… yeah… you can just… um… look at whatever you want… Just, you know, put anything you pick up back where it belongs, okay? I’ll… be back.” And with that, he strode into his bedroom and slammed the door, leaving Chekov feeling rather awkward himself.

He walked across the living room to study Hikaru’s bookcase. It was packed with textbooks, which wasn’t very shocking. Many were botany textbooks, while the rest appeared to be related to physics and had a number of sticky notes sticking out from the pages. Chekov wondered why Hikaru had so many physical books when PADDs could hold so much more material. But there was something to be said for the feel of paper beneath one’s fingertips. Chekov couldn’t stop his own fingers from tracing the leather covers of a few books. The bottom shelf had several well-worn novels, and Chekov was amused to discover that they were Westerns and 19th and early 20th century-era crime noir. He pulled one of the most worn-out books and skimmed the back cover when Hikaru’s bedroom door opened, and Chekov nearly had a heart attack as he stumbled away from the bookshelf.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu could not for the life of him figure out what was wrong with him. At random times, he would close his eyes, and then he’d be assailed by the image of glimmering hazel eyes and soft slightly pouty lips and thick golden-brown curls. He’d gone to a bar the night before, hoping to drown those visions in alcohol, and maybe pick up someone who could help him forget that innocent teenager. But that plan had failed spectacularly.

He’d been nursing his fourth beer when the door opened again and Pavel had walked in. Sulu’s heart had nearly leapt into his throat, and he panicked. He was just wondering how fast he could settle his tab and bolt before he did something he regretted when he saw Pavel’s companions. The blonde surfer-dude roommate was there, leaning over Pavel like a protective guard dog. And the petite blonde girl next to Pavel was clinging to the Russian’s arm, leaving Sulu in absolutely no doubt about what their relationship was. Now Sulu relaxed. Pavel had plenty of other options tonight, if his roommate’s hand on the boy’s thigh was any indication. Sulu could enjoy his drink in peace without having to worry about making himself look foolish. But his eyes kept straying back to the trio. Pavel looked happy, but was it Sulu’s imagination, or did the boy look a little… distant? He shook his head. Now he was just fantasizing.

Eventually Sulu went back to his apartment. Alone. And he slept, but not well. He woke with a sense of restlessness, but he had the cure for that. Sulu dressed in workout clothes and went off to the gym, eager for some solo fencing practice. Just the thing to work off all that excess nervous energy that he seemed to have plenty of over the last couple months.

After a thoroughly satisfying workout, he walked out of the gym, debating what to do once he was showered and presentable. Really, he should be working on that big thesis of his… but that wasn’t really appealing right now. Before he could go any further down that train of thought, he spotted a familiar head of curls in front of him, being yanked about by an older cadet that Sulu knew well enough… a jock, one of those asshole bullies who thought he was such tough shit, but he’d had his ass handed to him more than once by different combat groups, including Sulu’s own fencing club. And now he and his cronies looked like they were ready to thrash Pavel right out of existence.

“What the hell is going on here?” he heard himself demand. 

Roberts and his crew turned to face him, and he did not miss the flash of fear that shot across Roberts’s face. Pavel’s hazel eyes had a sheen to them, unshed tears from his hair being yanked about. There was a red mark on his face, with a rapidly darkening center, and Sulu felt his protective instincts flare up as Roberts tried to protest that none of this was Sulu’s business. 

Barely holding back his temper, Sulu couldn’t resist threatening the older cadet, knowing that he could back up his own tough talk. “Cadet Roberts, unless you release that kid right now, I WILL report you to security for assault on a fellow student, and I WILL proceed to thrash you to within an inch of your life until they arrive. Don’t act like you think I can’t.”

And now Roberts’s fear was perfectly obvious, even as he shoved the teenager away and tried to act nonchalant as he walked away with his mates. Sulu watched them leave before turning his attention back to the Russian teen, whose relief was all too obvious on his youthful face.

Color rose to the boy’s cheeks as he looked up at Sulu with an expression that was nearly hero-worship, but not quite. “Um… thanks,” he said, touching his head and wincing a little as he touched the skin that had been so mistreated when his curls were yanked about.

“No problem. I hate bullies. You okay?” Sulu asked. The kid may have seemed okay, but Sulu wasn’t willing to rule out the possibility that he’d been kicked in the stomach or somehow mistreated in other ways that weren’t immediately obvious.

Pavel shrugged as he denied it, but something in his eyes… he’d been threatened, it was obvious even without it being said. The kid was an open book to Sulu, and he wondered for a moment if everyone else felt that way, or if it was just him.

“Well then how did you get that bruise?” Sulu found himself asking.

Pavel looked stunned as he touched his cheek, right where the red spot was. It was almost as though he’d forgotten about being hit during the encounter. “Dere is bruise?” he asked.

Okay, that accent was too cute. It should not be legal for someone to have an accent that was that freaking adorable. Sulu found he had to reassure him. “It’s not that bad. Really. Do you… have to deal with those guys a lot?”

And now the kid was blushing. Stupid… of course he was bullied. He was a teenage genius attending a prestigious academy with people several years older than him. And somehow the conversation had turned to Chekov being a runner and Sulu found himself unbearably distracted by the idea of the kid running, wind blowing back his curls and stinging his cheeks into an adorable shade of pink… And now the kid was embarrassed about something else, but for the life of him, Hikaru didn’t know what. He tried frantically to recall the thread of the conversation and not make it obvious that he’d been fantasizing.

“So… um… what were you doing before those punks caught up with you?”

Pavel shrugged. “Just going for a valk.”

Sulu was surprised. Pavel didn’t strike him as a particularly early riser, and surely he would use this time for running rather than just strolling around. “At this hour? By yourself?”

“Da... I vas tinking about getting breakfast,” Chekov said, although the rumble of his stomach might have influenced that answer just a little.

Sulu thought about the encounter with Roberts and his cronies. They would be feeling deprived of their victim. Surely they would not expect Sulu to hang out with the kid all day. They’d try to ambush him again later, and the cafeteria was a likely place for just such an attack. Again, protective instincts were rearing their heads and Sulu didn’t have time to stop and analyze these feelings. “Roberts and his gang might still be around. Where’s your roommate at?”

“Back at room. Probably still asleep. Vit my girlfriend.” And the way the teenager’s eyes widened and the frantic way his hand flew to his mouth, as though he could somehow stop those words from escaping even though it was far too late for that… It would have been hilarious if Sulu hadn’t been so stunned by those words. Hadn’t he just seen the trio the night before? What on earth…? But Pavel was speaking again and trying to run, clearly embarrassed beyond all human reason at the incredibly personal details he’d just revealed. And he looked so upset and young and vulnerable and Sulu couldn’t just let him go like that… And before he knew it, he’d reached out and grabbed the kid’s shoulder, stopping his retreat.

“Hey, I know it’s not really any of my business, but if you need to talk… or, you know, if you need some company…”

Conflicted… that summed up the emotion in Pavel’s eyes perfectly. He looked so eager, so desperate… yet something was stopping him, making him drag his heels. Pavel looked up at him with those huge innocent hazel eyes, practically begging Sulu to make the decision for him. So he did.

“I really need to shower and change… but if you want to come back to my apartment… it’ll take ten minutes and then we can go grab some breakfast,” Sulu said firmly, in a tone that suggested he would not be taking no for an answer.

“Dat… dat vould be wery nice…” And Pavel’s expression lit up like the sun and he looked so thrilled and Sulu’s heart nearly swelled with joy that he was the one who’d put that expression there.

They were only halfway back to Sulu’s apartment before doubt started creeping in. Seriously, what the fuck was he doing? All those resolutions to stay the hell away from this unbearably sexy not-legal-adult had flown right out the window. And did Pavel really get that this was not a trip back to his apartment for a quick fuck? Sulu did NOT need to be repaid for saving Pavel from those bullies (although the idea of Pavel being a damsel in distress was also very arousing). And was Sulu himself going to remember that hitting Pavel up for a quickie was a very bad idea?

Some of his anxiety must have shown, because Pavel looked surprisingly wary as they stepped into Sulu’s apartment. Sulu felt himself starting to panic as he quickly blurted out a few instructions that Pavel not move his things around too much before he practically ran to his room, nearly gasping for breath. Damnit, why was that kid so freaking hot? This jailbait thing… Sulu really didn’t appreciate it… Well, that was a lie; his very hard cock was proving that right now. Sulu stepped under the stream of hot water and quickly took care of that little problem, past caring that he was remembering Pavel’s giant hazel eyes staring up at him rapturously on that very drunken night.

Sulu dressed quickly in jeans and a blue t-shirt that was just a little too tight across the shoulders, which was probably a very bad idea… And then he finally felt ready to face Pavel, so he walked out into the living room. It didn’t surprise him at all that the kid was enamored with the bookshelf, although seeing The Maltese Falcon in his hands was a bit of a puzzle. Then Pavel looked up and saw him and actually jumped backwards, dropping the book and turning bright red.

“I am so sorry!” he yelped. “I should not… I should not hawe been looking through your books!”

“Why not? I told you to look at whatever you wanted,” Sulu said, bending to pick up the book and make sure that none of the pages had bent in the tumble.

“I… had thought you meant only textbooks. Dat is… is personal. Priwate book.” Pavel was practically stammering now, clearly under the impression that he had crossed some kind of boundary.

Sulu shrugged. “If they’re out in the living room, anyone can see them. I don’t mind if people know I have an unnatural fondness for Westerns and noir thrillers. If it was really that private, I’d keep it in my bedroom.” And he wished he could take those words back because now both of them were blushing. Sulu ran his fingers through his hair, making it stand on end, sticking in wet spikes. “So… um… brunch?” he said finally, needing to get out of this room.

Pavel nodded and they headed down to the cafeteria. Sulu’s theory about Cadet Roberts and his cronies proved correct as he spotted two of them loitering near the entrance to the cafeteria, but he gave them both dirty looks and they scampered away. Then they sat down across from each other at one of the tables and ate in silence for several minutes before Pavel cleared his throat shyly.

“Um… Hikaru?”

“Yeah?”

“…Vhy did you inwite me to eat vit you?” he asked, practically stuttering.

Sulu frowned. “Because… you seemed like you could use some company,” he decided at last.

Pavel played with his fork for a minute. “I do not need your pity,” he said finally.

“I wasn’t trying to offer you pity. You just… you seemed very alone. I thought the least I could do was offer to share a meal with you.”

“You are not feeling guilty, are you?”

Now it was Sulu’s turn to stammer. “Why would you ask something like that?”

Pavel shrugged. “You vere not happy ven I told you my age. It vould make sense.” The kid looked up from under those ridiculously cute curls. “But you do not hawe to.”

“Right, of course… Sixteen years old, but you have that supposed girlfriend of yours, and that roommate…”

Pavel winced. “I do not vish to speak of dem.”

Open mouth, insert foot. It had been intended as a snarky comment, but this was clearly a bad time for it. Sulu winced. “Sorry…” he muttered and quickly turned the conversation to classes and such and brunch ended without becoming too ridiculously embarrassing. Sulu walked with Pavel back to his building and the teen waved goodbye as he stepped inside. Sulu found himself waving back and wondering if just maybe there was a possibility for some sort of friendship with the adorable kid.


	3. Meddling Parties

A couple of months passed, and Pavel Chekov was really looking forward to graduation from the Academy. It was only a few more months before graduation and assignment to a starship, and Chekov could hardly wait for his first trip into space. And if he was looking forward just a little to being away from Jason and Erica and the sappy looks they shot each other whenever they thought he wasn’t looking, well, that was his own business.

Erica broke up with him less than a week after his birthday, although she and Jason did try to keep their fledgling relationship discreet. But Chekov found himself spending less and less time in their dorm room, opting to hide out in the library or roam around the Academy grounds. It was rather lonely for the Russian teenager, but there were a few bright spots.

Hikaru for example… Chekov wouldn’t exactly say he had a friendship with the handsome Asian, but they at least acknowledged each other when they passed in the academic buildings or on the grounds. It wasn’t much, but it was more than Chekov would have dared to hope for before.

This particular afternoon, Chekov was walking through the cafeteria with his tray of food, and he was having trouble finding a place to sit. It seemed everywhere he went, he could hear angry whispers or was pelted with bits of paper or food. The results of the latest exam had been handed out, and once again he’d destroyed the curve and was facing the wrath of his fellow students. As he lifted his hand to wipe away something sticky that had struck his cheek, he spotted Hikaru sitting alone a few yards away, watching him intently. Seeing that Chekov was finally looking back at him, Hikaru lifted his eyebrows and pointedly looked at the seat in front of him. Chekov knew how to take a hint, so he hurried gratefully over.

“Hi,” he said, trying to sound cheerful.

“Hey. You guys get an exam back today?”

“Da, how did you guess?”

One of Hikaru’s eyebrows crept up a little and he gazed pointedly at a clump of some kind of food stuck to Chekov’s shoulder. The Russian brushed it away quickly. Hikaru might have been hiding a smile behind the glass of juice he was drinking. “It’ll be better once you’re on a ship… and not in school, being graded and all.”

“Da, of course it will,” Chekov agreed. They sat in silence for several minutes before being interrupted by a tall curvy dark-haired girl, who shrieked joyously when she saw Chekov.

“PASHA!!! Darling, как дела?” [how are you?] she demanded. Her Russian was flawless, but spoken without a trace of an accent, and her rich green eyes were intense as she swooped in to hug him. _“I have missed you, I’m sorry I haven’t seen you,”_ she continued, still in Russian.

Chekov accepted the hug from her. “Natalya, привет,” [hi] he said happily. _“I’m well, and yourself?”_ he inquired, also in Russian.

_“Ah, you know,”_ she said with a laugh, shaking her head and letting her dark curly hair flutter over her shoulder. She was a shockingly pretty girl, but Chekov wouldn’t have made a move on her if his life had depended on it. She was the daughter of a family friend and the only person he knew who spoke Russian as well as he did. Her parents were from Russia, but they had moved to America when Natalya was only a child and she had lost all traces of her accent. _“I’m so sorry I missed your birthday, how was it?”_

Chekov shrugged. _“I have had better ones,”_ he replied. Natalya’s eyebrows knitted together.

_“Yes, I heard that you and Erica are not together anymore,”_ she said softly. Her eyes flickered over to Hikaru. _“And who is this? A boyfriend?”_

Chekov knew he probably looked foolish, panicking like this… after all, he knew Hikaru didn’t speak Russian. But to hear Natalya actually say something like that out loud… “Nyet!” he exclaimed.

_“Oh, you don’t have to hide things like this from me, Pasha,”_ Natalya said with a pout. _“You are eighteen now, da?”_

_“Nyet, only seventeen,”_ he reminded her patiently. Natalya suddenly looked much too shrewd for his comfort.

Hikaru cleared his throat nervously. “Um… I guess I’ll talk to later, Pavel,” he said. “It sounds like you two have some catching up to do or something…” He trailed off.

“Ah, sorry Hikaru… Dis is Natalya,” Chekov said, quickly switching back to English. “She is… she is…” He paused. “Family friend,” he said finally.

“I’m practically his older sister,” Natalya said with a smile. “Except I’m absolute crap at keeping him out of trouble.” She stuck out her hand. “It’s nice to meet you…?”

“Hikaru,” the Asian replied, accepting her hand cautiously.

“Ah, I think I know who you are! Pasha, you told me about him, didn’t you, love? You chased off some bullies or something, right? Mum and Da keep saying that Pasha should come back to live with us instead of staying in a dorm, but I think living here has been good for him,” Natalya said, leaning over to steal a French fry off Chekov’s plate and winking at Hikaru.

“’Talya…” Chekov grumbled.

“Ah, right, sorry, I forgot we don’t like talking about how young we are,” she said cheerfully before launching into an animated discussion of her latest class in diplomacy and negotiations which was apparently her specialty. Then she practically interrupted herself when she saw a gorgeous young African-American woman and an equally lovely red-headed Orion woman. “Oh, there’s Nyota and Gaila! I have to go! I’ll see you later, Pasha!” she exclaimed, kissing his cheek. “It was lovely meeting you, Hikaru,” she said, kissing his cheek too. Hikaru’s eyes widened but he managed to not jerk away from her before she took off to meet her two girlfriends.

“I am sorry about her…” Chekov muttered, unable to keep a shy grin off his face. “She is…”

“Forward?”

“I vas going to say enthusiastic… but dat is da same…”

Hikaru shook his head, but he was smiling. “She’s interesting,” he said simply.

Just when it seemed that this lunch might be salvaged yet, a woman approached their table. Her dark brown hair was pulled in a stern bun and her expression suggested that she would tolerate no nonsense from anyone… ever.

“Professor Baskin…” Hikaru said cautiously. 

“Mr. Sulu. You have not responded to my corrections of your thesis.”

Hikaru actually flinched. “My apologies, Professor. I need to do some additional research for that part on page eighteen…”

“You have time for your fencing,” and that word couldn’t have been dropped more acidly if she’d actually spat hydrochloric acid on them, “and you can’t find time to finish your thesis? And I suppose you’ve managed to find the time to finish your piloting simulations?”

Hikaru didn’t answer her, and her lips pursed. Then she turned her attention to Chekov, who had to fight to keep from physically backing away from her intimidating gaze.

“I wasn’t aware that you were acquainted with Cadet Chekov, Mr. Sulu,” she said, and her expression actually softened a degree.

“Mutual friend… just introduced us…” Hikaru muttered vaguely.

“Well you really ought to pick his brain. The boy is an absolute genius, and your thesis could only be improved by talking to him for a while. I expect the quality to improve considerably by the time you hand it back to me,” she said firmly.

“I vould be happy to…” And Chekov trailed off when he saw how tightly Hikaru was gripping his silverware. 

Professor Baskin turned to walk away, but then she paused. “Mr. Sulu… I don’t suppose you would be willing to do a small favor for me?”

“What is it?” Hikaru asked warily.

“Well, I have been meaning to send a package to your mother, but perhaps you could…”

“Professor.” The word was ice cold as it fell from Hikaru’s lips. “I am not currently on speaking terms with my mother.”

“I see. Perhaps one of your sisters…”

“They are not speaking with my mother either.”

“Really, Hikaru…” Professor Baskin actually sounded irritated now. “Surely you three would have found…”

Hikaru stood up so quickly that he nearly upended his chair. “My sisters and I do not keep in contact with our parents, Professor. That is not going to change, and I’ll thank you not to ask about my mother again. Good afternoon.” He nodded once to Chekov and stormed out of the cafeteria, leaving behind an irritated professor and a very confused Russian teenager.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu made it all the way back to his apartment before he gave in to the torrent of emotions flooding him. He practically collapsed onto the couch, gasping for breath. He’d known that he was in trouble when Baskin was assigned to be his advisor, but he still hadn’t thought it would be this bad. And for all that to happen in front of Pavel too! His past continued to haunt him…

Shaking his head angrily, he poured himself a glass of sake and indulged himself in a few drinks. His first thought was to message Pavel and apologize, but Sulu was just a little worried about his slightly-lowered inhibitions. But his second inclination was to call up one of his sisters.

It was a no-brainer when trying to pick one to talk to. Although he loved both his older sisters dearly, it was Miko that he turned to when he needed to talk. Slumping in his desk chair, he called his oldest sister up on the vid screen.

Miko was a good-looking 26-year-old who had graduated from law school and started her career as a lawyer just a few months ago. When she answered the vid phone, she was still wearing a perfectly-tailored suit and her long black hair was in a neat bun. She peered at her brother through her tiny black-rimmed glasses. “Hikaru. How are you, dear?” she asked, breaking into a pretty smile when she saw him.

“Miko… how’s lawyering?” Sulu asked with a grin.

“Oh, ‘Karu, it’s going great! This is what I’m meant to do!” she exclaimed joyously. “How’s school going?”

“It’s… fine…” he said with a shrug.

“You’ll be graduating soon, right? Just a couple more months?”

“Yeah… And then it’s off this planet.”

“You’re so lucky! Space travel sounds amazing!”

“Yeah, it does. You’ll be there for the graduation ceremony, right?”

“Of course! I wouldn’t miss it!” Then her expression became serious. “You’re inviting Rina too, right?”

“Yeah, I’m inviting her.”

“Don’t forget to invite Fran.”

“Right… have you met her yet?”

“Oh, yes! Fran’s great. She’s really sweet and nice, and I think she’ll be a calming influence on Rina. I mean, we both know that she needs that kind of presence in her life. …When’s the last time you talked to Rina?”

Hikaru looked down at the desktop. “I called her on her birthday like I always do.”

Miko put her head in her hands for a moment. “’Karu… You speak with Rina maybe four times a year. If you talk six times, it’s a great year. This has to change. You have to move on.”

“It’s hard to move on from something like this. I don’t want to push her…”

“Neither of you are going to be able to move on if you don’t talk. You talk on her birthday, your birthday, Christmas, and Thanksgiving. That’s it, unless I invite you two over during Easter or for Fourth of July. You need to be able to talk more often.”

“I already told you, I don’t want to push her. She never calls me, I’m always the one who calls her. If she doesn’t call me… I’m not comfortable forcing myself back into her life.”

“Hmm… fair enough,” Miko agreed with a sigh. “I’ll talk to her… see how she’s feeling. If you want me to that is.”

Sulu shrugged. “Go for it. I know it means a lot to you. And it’s not like I don’t want to get along with her.”

Miko nodded. Then her eyes sparkled mischievously and Sulu knew what was coming next. “So, my dear little brother… anyone special in your life yet?”

Sulu frowned at her. Pavel’s face appeared in his head, but he shoved that thought away before he could let it slip. Miko was sweet and wonderful, but if she ever found out he’d slept with a teenager, even accidentally… well, given their past, he wouldn’t have blamed her in the least for beating him to within an inch of his life. Naturally, telling Rina about Pavel would be even more out of the question.

“No, Miko, I promise that I’d tell you if there was someone serious.”

“Oh, serious,” Miko said, waving her hand. “Saying you don’t have anyone serious is just code for ‘I’ve slept with a few people, but none of them came back because my weird personality scared them off forever’.”

“Oh, like you have room to talk? What happened to Brad? Or Andrew? Or Yao? Or Katie?”

Miko went bright red. “I thought we agreed not to talk about Katie! That was a very drunk mistake!”

Sulu couldn’t stop himself from grinning. “Then stop the Spanish Inquisition.”

“Fine,” Miko said, sticking her tongue out at him. “So did you want something, or did you just call to chat?”

“The second one,” Sulu said, leaning back in his chair a little.

“Okay then,” Miko said, and she proceeded to update him on her life since the last time they’d talked and the cases she’d worked on. She also told him that Rina had found a very nice job teaching art history at a university on the East Coast where she was living with Fran, her new girlfriend. Neither one mentioned their parents, and Sulu didn’t tell Miko that he’d really called because he’d needed to feel close to at least one of his sisters after Baskin’s callous remarks.

It was over an hour of idle chatter later when Miko finally declared that she needed to go make dinner and get some sleep, so Sulu wished her a pleasant night and shut off the vid screen. He thought about working on his thesis for a while, but the last thing he really wanted to do was think about anything related to Baskin, so instead he curled up on his couch, rereading one of his Westerns and trying to pretend he wasn’t thinking of golden curls and hazel eyes and a charming Russian accent.


	4. First Voyage of the Enterprise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter gave me some fits because so much of it had to come from the movie, which is always at least a little frustrating… And to make things worse, the next chapter also has a bunch of movie stuff, so that one is also gonna take forever… But the end of the next chapter, or maybe the chapter after that (we’ll see once I start writing), it’s back to the angsty drama stuff that I wanted to do all along, but I couldn’t exactly ignore the events of the movie since that’s pretty damn important… So this isn’t my favorite chapter, but several important things do happen.
> 
> To emphasize once again, I do not own Star Trek!

It was less than a month after that disastrous luncheon with Hikaru when Pavel Chekov filed into a large auditorium-style room with the rest of the student body. No one had seemed entirely sure why they’d all been summoned, but he quickly learned that it was because a student had been caught cheating on the Kobyashi Maru. Chekov slumped over in his seat, utterly bored by the proceedings and brooding over Hikaru’s disappearance from his life. From his seat, he also had a perfect view of Jason and Erica sitting together, holding hands and kissing and generally acting like a very loving couple. It was enough to make the Russian teen sick.

Chekov watched disinterestedly as Professor Spock spoke serenely to the animated cadet… what was his name? Chekov tried to recall, studying the boyishly charming cadet with messy hairy and eyes that were blue enough to be seen from his seat in the middle of the auditorium. But as much as he tried to distract himself, Chekov found himself daydreaming about Hikaru again.

Suddenly people were on their feet, stepping briskly out of the auditorium. Something had happened. A messenger had interrupted the disciplinary hearing. Chekov thought he caught the words “Vulcan” and “distress signal” and something in Professor Spock’s rigid posture suggested some level of agitation. The Russian teen found himself swept along with the flow of the other students down to Hangar 1 where all the starships were waiting to be boarded. Hardly able to contain his glee at finally being able to go into space, Chekov hurried over with the other cadets to hear which ship he’d be assigned to. He very nearly squealed with joy when he found that he was being assigned to the Enterprise under Christopher Pike as a navigator. He would have run straight there, but this was the maiden voyage of Starfleet’s new flagship and it would not do for him to behave like an overexcited child on that first occasion.

As he walked towards the ship, he could hear excited cadets calling out to each other as they found out who they’d be sharing a ship with and who they wouldn’t see until they were back on Earth. There were people hugging and talking excitedly everywhere, and Chekov felt his stomach drop a little. Maybe he should go find Jason and Erica… or Natalya. Maybe he’d even be lucky enough to see Hikaru.

He detoured, and he thought a heard a voice with a Southern accent saying “The board will rule in your favor… probably.” Not stopping to wonder what that was all about, the teen kept walking. He was near the Farragaut when he saw Natalya. She and the Orion woman he’d seen her with a few times before were hugging the African-American woman who was their constant companion.

“PASHA!!!” Natalya squealed, spotting him. “Nyota, have you met Pavel? Pasha, Nyota is like my best friend, and she’s on the Enterprise with you!”

“Pleasure to meet you,” Chekov said politely, holding out his hand. She grasped it and smiled warmly.

“Nyota Uhura. You must be Pavel Chekov. Natalya talks about you all the time, and you’re kind of notorious around campus. I think half the people at school have tried to place a curse on you or something.”

“Nyota! Don’t scare him!” Natalya exclaimed.

“Oh, he’s fine, he can handle it, right?” she asked, glancing at him. Chekov felt tongue-tied, not sure what to say to this gorgeous woman in front of him.

“Nattie, we should go, come on!” the Orion woman exclaimed, hugging Nyota again and ruffling Chekov’s curls. “Take care of our friend, okay? I’ll hold you responsible if anything happens to her, I don’t want to have to look for another roommate,” she teased.

“Gaila!” Natalya laughed. “Okay, let’s go. See you guys when we get back!” And the pair turned and joined the queue to get onto their ship. Uhura and Chekov started walking towards the Enterprise.

“Vat is your field?” Chekov asked, finding his voice at last.

“Communications and linguistics,” the girl said with an easy smile. “I’ve lost count of how many languages I’m fluent in.”

“Dat is amazing,” Chekov said. “No vonder you vere assigned to Enterprise.”

“After I had to bully Spock into it. He thought he could have me assigned to another ship. I can’t believe he really thought I would put up with that. Didn’t want to show favoritism my ass…” she added sulkily. Chekov wondered what on earth she was talking about, but he decided not to ask questions. He also decided that he would do his best to never EVER piss her off. Then he heard someone calling his name.

“Pav!!! Pasha!!!” 

He turned and saw Erica waving at him. Chekov winced, but he couldn’t very well pretend that he hadn’t seen her. “Hey,” he said cautiously.

“Pav, listen, I…” she began, but then a warning light started flashing.

“We really need to get to our ships,” Uhura said briskly.

Erica nodded meekly. “You’re right. Pasha, I’ll comm you, okay?”

“Sure,” he said absently, trying to stay right on Uhura’s heels.

“Stay safe!” she called, waving to him.

Chekov knew it was petty, but he didn’t look back at her. They hurried onto the shuttle bound for their ship. Once they arrived, he was delighted to find that he’d been placed on the bridge. He quickly began familiarizing himself with the controls and wondering who had been assigned as the pilot. Hopefully it would be someone who didn’t treat him like a child… They would need to get along with each other on the long flight home after taking care of whatever had gone wrong on Vulcan.

“Report, sir,” a lieutenant barked out as he walked around the bridge making sure everything was ready.

“Hikaru Sulu, sir. I’m the pilot.” And with those fateful words, the Asian man that seemed to pop in and out of his life with alarming regularity plopped down into the seat next to him. Chekov couldn’t believe his eyes, or his ears. Hikaru glanced up and saw who was next to him. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Chekov said meekly as all chatter died down and Captain Pike took his seat, talking about the maiden voyage of the Enterprise deserving more pomp than they had time for at the moment.

“Launch sequence engaged,” someone said.

“All thrusters fired. Ready to disengage from spacedock,” Hikaru said, already lifting the ship off. A few moments later, the ship was moving ponderously through space alongside the other six ships. “The fleet has cleared spacedock, Captain,” Hikaru called back to Pike. “All ships ready for warp.”

“Set a course for Vulcan,” the rugged older captain said from his chair.

“Aye-aye, Captain. Course laid in,” Hikaru said, glancing over at Chekov for just a half a second too long.

“Maximum warp. Punch it.”

The rest of the fleet jumped off into the warp, leaving the Enterprise behind. The ship made a low growling noise, but it remained quite stationary. Hikaru frowned down at the console, trying to figure out what he’d done wrong. Chekov felt his stomach clench and he felt embarrassed on Hikaru’s behalf.

“Lieutenant… Where is Helmsman McKenna?” Captain Pike asked.

“He has lungworms, sir. He couldn’t report to his post. I’m Hikaru Sulu.”

“And… you are a pilot, right?” Pike asked with just a touch of sarcasm.

“Very much so, sir…” Hikaru said almost meekly. He poked angrily at some buttons on the console. “I’m… uh… I’m not sure what’s wrong here.”

“Is the… parking brake on?” The sarcasm was almost painful in Pike’s voice. Chekov winced involuntarily.

“Uh, no. I’ll figure it out… I’m just…”

“Have you disengaged the external inertial dampener?” Spock asked from his seat at the science station.

Two spots of color appeared on Hikaru’s cheeks and he gazed determinedly down at the console, pressing the buttons firmly, as though he could erase his errors by hammering away at those innocent buttons. “Ready for warp, sir,” he bit out.

“Let’s punch it,” Pike said mildly, letting the moment pass without further comment.

As they went into warp, Pike told Chekov to make a ship-wide broadcast, so the teen tapped away at the keyboard, which asked for a verbal authorization.

“Ensign Authorization code: nine-five-wictor-wictor-two,” Chekov said, stumbling a little over the difficult V’s.

“Authorization code not recognized,” the computer chirped.

Chekov felt his eyebrow twitch. He glanced up and saw Hikaru looking determinedly down at his console, but he could see from the twitch of his mouth that the pilot was biting the inside of his lip to keep from laughing. But since he wasn’t saying anything, then Chekov wouldn’t have to say anything about the parking brake incident, as he mentally decided to call it from now on.

“Ensign Authorization code: nine… five… wictor… wictor… two,” Chekov tried again, speaking as slowly and clearly as he could. This time the computer beeped in acceptance and Chekov began his announcement, explaining what little was known of the situation on Vulcan. When that was done, he got back to work making sure the ship was on course.

And that’s when a blonde man wearing all black rather than a colorful cadet uniform exploded onto the bridge, shouting about how they were racing towards a trap. Uhura was with him, and she seemed to be backing up Kirk’s story as she mentioned some transmissions she had intercepted. Pike was clearly impressed, and soon had her on the bridge since she could apparently distinguish between the Vulcan and Romulan languages (a rather impressive feat, Chekov had to admit).

It was painfully clear that they should all be prepared for an attack when they arrived at Vulcan. There was dead silence on the bridge, silence except for Hikaru counting down the time until they dropped out of warp. Then there was a moment of pure silence as they took in the sight of several destroyed ships. Then their own ship was rocked by a powerful explosion.

Everyone hit the floor. Hikaru was one of the first back into his chair. Pike tried to right himself. “Sulu! Status!” he barked.

“We can’t take another hit like that!” Hikaru exclaimed, fingers racing over the controls, trying to determine how badly they were hit. Chekov managed to regain his seat next to the pilot.

Then the face of a Romulan appeared on the screen, demanding to speak to Ambassador Spock. The commander in question looked puzzled, seeing as he wasn’t an ambassador at all. The Romulan seemed upset by this, and demanded Pike as a hostage instead. Pike agreed to the terms and gave the conn to Chekov before hurrying off with Kirk, Spock, and Hikaru, leaving Chekov to bite his nails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu was riding high on an adrenaline rush. He’d been a little worried about having to work next to the young navigator during the mission, but the sheer chaos that had erupted around him had banished all of those anxieties from his mind.

A plan was coming together remarkably fast. Pike would head to the Romulan ship. They couldn’t use the transporter because something was blocking it on a drill. Kirk, Sulu, and an engineer named Olson would be parachuting down to the drill to disable it and regain the use of their transporter. Somehow all this resulted in Kirk being promoted to First Officer while Pike was gone, much to the barely-controlled annoyance of Commander Spock.

The trio waited until the right time to parachute. Kirk glanced over at the impassive Sulu. “What combat training do you have?” he asked.

Sulu simply smirked. “Fencing.” And then he enjoyed the look of disbelief on Kirk’s face. There was no time for further conversation as they leapt from the craft, plummeting towards the surface of Vulcan and the towering drill. Kirk and Sulu pulled their chutes at almost the exact same time, but Olson just kept plummeting. The wind roared in Sulu’s ears, nearly whipping away Kirk’s frantic screams for Olson to open his chute. Finally the young man opened his chute, but it was much too late… he slammed into the drill and there was a horrible crack… Olson managed a scream as one of his legs snapped like a dry twig, then he was whipped around… right into a plume of fire that incinerated him in an instant, ending his suffering. Sulu felt himself gag, but he couldn’t give into sickness now. 

Kirk landed and started fighting a Romulan guard at once. Sulu skidded across the surface of the platform, nearly falling off and into the flames to repeat Olson’s fate, but his chute caught onto something solid and he hit the retractor like his life depended on it, which it did! Not even stopping to recover his breath, he pulled out a collapsible foil and flew at another Romulan, knocking him into flames and incinerating him. Seeing that Kirk had fallen off the edge of the drill and was clinging there for his life while another Romulan stood over him, Sulu ran like mad to get there in time. He stabbed the Romulan through the chest and tossed him off the drill and lunged for Kirk, managing to grab the blonde’s hand.

Kirk was gasping, his blue eyes snapping with the adrenaline rush. “Where are the chargers?” he gasped.

“Olson had them,” Sulu said furiously, feeling just a twinge of guilt over his angry feelings toward the recently-deceased cadet. Kirk just shrugged and pulled out his phaser, and Sulu copied him. They fired their phasers at the drill and were relieved to hear a tremendous groaning of metal, indicating that their mission was a success. Then both watched in puzzlement as something fell from the drill, plunging to the surface of the planet far below.

Suddenly the whole drill heaved to one side. Both cadets screamed and swore as they tried to catch their balance, but Sulu suddenly found himself falling. His chute had been abandoned on the drill, so he was utterly helpless as he plunged to meet the planet’s surface, but to his complete shock, Kirk hurled himself from the drill, free-falling towards Sulu just as fast as he could. Sulu stretched upward and managed to grab onto Kirk, pulling on Kirk’s chute to deploy it, but something snapped and their free-fall continued unabated.

The red rocks of Vulcan were roaring up to meet them and Sulu wondered why in the hell his life wasn’t flashing before his eyes like it always did to those characters in movies and books. 

And then they slammed into a metal floor. All the breath was knocked from Sulu’s lungs as he lay there, wondering why the hell being dead hurt so damn much. That is, until he heard someone shouting in Russian, and Sulu realized that the metal floor belonged to the transporter of the Enterprise and there stood Pavel, who was practically laughing with relief.

“I told you I could do zat!” he was almost screaming, his whole body quivering as he stood at the controls of the transporter.

Sulu rolled onto his stomach and looked over at the blonde next to him, who looked just as stunned and winded as Sulu felt. “Thanks,” Sulu gasped. Kirk just nodded.

Spock barely even acknowledged them as he strode to the transporter. “The surface of the planet is collapsing. I must find the elders.” And with that, he was gone.

Sulu finally felt capable of standing, so he did so. He couldn’t help but smile when he noticed Pavel grinning at him. Kirk also staggered to his feet and they both leaned against the wall, trying desperately to catch their breath after the adrenaline rush and punishing fall. Sulu tilted his head back so it rested against the wall, blocking out all the sounds around him and trying to get his breathing back to normal.

When he opened his eyes again, Pavel was staring at the screen, desperately trying to track someone. But Sulu could tell from the darting eyes and shaking hands that Pavel was having some trouble. He could hear the teenager's breathing rate increase even from several feet away.

“Nyet… nyet…” he whispered. Then his voice rose as he worked frantically. “I’m losing her, I’m losing her!” he cried, and the panic in his voice seemed to cut into Sulu.

And then Spock appeared, along with several Vulcan elders, including a man who could only be Spock’s father… and Spock’s hand was outstretched, reaching for someone who did not make it, and the normally expressionless countenance on the Academy instructor’s face was now etched with grief, horror, stunned disbelief, and so much pain. And right in his line of sight stood Pavel, hands still poised on the screen, eyes wide with shock and fear. And then Spock turned away to the rest of the Vulcan elders, and Pavel fled the room.


	5. Voyage Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, yes, more movie stuff… gonna pull my hair out over this… I want to move on to the rest of it so badly, but this needs to be done. If anyone was expecting more detail or something, sorry, but that’s not what I’m trying to write in this fic.
> 
> I’m really really hyper right now and I don’t know why. I’m also watching a bunch of shows about Ancient Egypt while I write this. Why are there shows about Ancient Egypt on the Military channel??? That doesn’t make any goddamn sense! It’s not about anything military! It’s about searching for tombs, or doing DNA tests on mummies, or Cleopatra killing her sister and then fucking the nearest Roman general! But who am I to complain about the channel, this shit is awesome. (I told you I was hyper!)
> 
> Again, I do not own Star Trek or the characters or any lines of dialogue I lifted from the movie for the purpose of showcasing events from the movie.

Pavel Chekov managed to hide himself away in a deserted corridor before finally breaking down. Try as he might, he knew that for the rest of his life, he would be haunted by the look on Spock’s face and the way his hand reached out for his mother who was no longer there…

But as much as Chekov wanted to grieve and berate himself for losing the woman, there was still the threat of the Romulans to deal with, and Chekov was still the primary navigator on the Enterprise. So he locked away all the agony, put it in a box in his head, and shoved it aside. He would deal with it later, once things had calmed down.

He stepped back onto the bridge, and almost instantly met Hikaru’s eyes. The Asian man was watching him, a concerned expression on his face and a question in his eyes. Chekov looked down, unable to meet his eyes right now. He needed to focus.

Kirk was back, and he and Spock were arguing furiously about whether they should chase the Romulans to rescue Pike or rendezvous with Starfleet. Kirk appeared to want to rescue Pike, while Spock was quoting regulations about meeting the rest of Starfleet. The argument was becoming heated, and just as Chekov and Hikaru rose to their feet to intervene, Spock’s hand darted out to grasp the side of Kirk’s neck, delivering a nerve pinch and dropping the blonde like a stone. Spock threw the young man over his shoulder like he weighed almost nothing and strode away, leaving the rest of the bridge crew bewildered.

A few minutes later, Spock returned. It was several minutes before Hikaru managed to speak. “Er… Mr. Spock? Captain?” he stammered. “What… um… What have you done with Kirk?”

“Cadet Kirk has been deposited where he will not cause any further trouble,” Spock said calmly. “If he is lucky, perhaps we will collect him from Delta Vega later. Set a course to rendezvous with Starfleet.”

Hikaru and Chekov exchanged glances. Although neither knew the blonde rebel well, the fact remained that he had saved Hikaru’s life at the risk of his own, and neither were entirely comfortable with marooning the young man. But Spock was a professor at the Academy and their acting captain, and neither rookie wanted to join Kirk on Delta Vega.

Chekov realized his hands were shaking. So much had happened in just a few hours. But as his hands darted over the familiar controls, he found himself soothed. There was something so comforting about this ship, and he briefly dared to hope that once all this was over and he had graduated from the Academy… perhaps he might be assigned here… His eyes darted to Hikaru for just the briefest moment, admiring the way his dark eyes sparkled as he concentrated. Part of him hoped that Hikaru would be the pilot he worked with… after all, the handsome Asian actually treated Chekov like an equal, not a child.

Hours ticked by, painfully slowly. Under Spock’s icy and barely-controlled gaze, talking was discouraged. Chekov and Hikaru communicated with only the most necessary words, and with quick eyebrow raises and hand gestures.

Just as Chekov found his eyes drifting closed and his mind wandering, a new light lit up on his console. He frowned at the light, trying to remember what it meant. Then it hit him, though the answer did nothing to dispel his confusion.

“Keptin,” he called, attracting Spock’s attention. “Ve have unauthorized access to vater main,” he called out.

Spock frowned, and he looked just as puzzled as Chekov felt. As he tried to pinpoint the location of the disturbance, he spotted Spock leaping to his feet and striding towards the door leading onto the bridge. The Russian teen glanced at Hikaru, who was already on his feet. Both young men followed their captain, and found an exhausted and agitated Jim Kirk, accompanied by a soaking wet man, standing in the doorway.

“Vat de hell?” Chekov choked out.

Hikaru made a confused noise, but cut it off as Kirk and Spock had begun to argue. And Kirk was taunting Spock, which seemed dangerous at the best of times…

And then Chekov couldn’t stop himself from yelping in alarm as Spock’s hand closed over Kirk’s throat, slamming him against a wall and looking more than capable of killing the irrepressible blonde.

Before anyone had to figure out the logistics of prying away an enraged half-Vulcan, a booming voice called Spock’s name, and everyone turned to see Ambassador Sarek standing there. Slowly reason seemed to return to Spock and he released Kirk, quietly agreed that he was emotionally compromised, and left the room as though nothing had happened.

“I like this ship!” the soaking-wet man exclaimed in a thick Scottish accent, a slightly deranged grin on his face. “You know, it’s exciting.”

Dr. McCoy had appeared sometime during the commotion. “Well, congratulations, Jim,” he drawled in his heavy Southern accent. “Now we’ve got no captain, and no goddamn first officer to replace him.”

“Yeah we do,” Kirk said, his expression suddenly serious. And everyone watched in amazement as Kirk walked across the bridge and sat down in the captain’s chair.

“What?” Dr. McCoy finally choked out.

“Pike made him first officer,” Hikaru said suddenly. Chekov whipped his head around to stare. Hikaru met his eyes for a moment and shrugged.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Dr. McCoy exclaimed, throwing up his hands.

“Thanks for the support,” Kirk said sarcastically as McCoy walked away, muttering something about irresponsible man-children who were going to kill them all.

“I sure hope you know what you’re doing, Captain,” Uhura said softly.

“So do I,” Kirk said, still surprisingly serious. Then he made a ship-wide announcement, declaring that he was now the captain of the vessel and they would be going after Nero rather than meeting up with the rest of Starfleet.

At the request of their new captain, Chekov started doing calculations on a transparent board on the bridge, only half-listening as everyone talked about the plan of attack.

“I’m telling you, the math doesn’t support…” Hikaru was saying.

“Keptin Kirk!” Chekov exclaimed suddenly.

“Yes, Chekov, what is it?” Kirk asked.

“Based on the fastest course from Wulcan, I haff projected that Nero vill trawel past Saturn. Like you said, ve need to stay inwisible to Nero or he vill destroy us. If Meester Scott can get us to varp factor four, and if ve drop out of varp behind one of Saturn’s moons, say, Titan, the magnetic distortion from the planet’s rings will make us inwisible to Nero’s sensors. From dere, as long as drill is not actiwated, ve can beam aboard enemy ship.” He took a deep breath, waiting nervously to hear what everyone thought of his idea.

“Aye… that might work,” Mr. Scott said, looking absurdly pleased by the idea.

“Wait a minute, kid, how old are you?” demanded Dr. McCoy.

“Sewenteen, sir.”

“Oh, oh good… He’s seventeen…” Dr. McCoy threw up his hands again in obvious disbelief that they were putting their fate in the hands of a teenager, even if he was a genius.

“Doctor, Mr. Chekov is correct,” Spock said quietly from the back of the group, and Chekov felt his knees go weak with relief. Having someone as brilliant and well-respected as the Academy professor confirm his calculations was more of a relief than he could possibly express, so he barely noticed as Kirk and Spock continued to talk, only snapping to attention when he realized that they were… bantering.

“I would cite regulation, but I know you will simply ignore it,” Spock was saying.

“See, we are getting to know each other,” Kirk said, some of his good cheer and care-free attitude returning.

Chekov and Hikaru promptly sat down at their stations, plotting their course to Titan. It took only a few minutes.

“All stop in three… two… one. Give me one quarter impulse burst for five seconds. I’ll do the rest with thrusters, on my mark,” Hikaru said.

“Aye,” Chekov confirmed, opting to trust Hikaru’s pilot intuition.

“Fire,” Hikaru said calmly before comming the transporter room. “We are in position above Titan.”

“Really?” the irrepressible voice of Mr. Scott queried. “Fine job, Mr. Sulu… Well done.”

Kirk’s voice came over the comm next. “Whatever happens, Mr. Sulu, if you think you have the tactical advantage, you fire on that ship, even if we’re still onboard. That’s an order.”

“Yes sir…” Hikaru said, his voice calm and professional, but his face slightly pale. Chekov licked his lips. Such an order could prove to be a death sentence for Kirk and Spock. It was a terrifying thought.

“Otherwise, we’ll contact the Enterprise when we’re ready to be beamed back,” Kirk continued, as though he hadn’t just told his bridge crew to condemn him to death for the sake of the mission if necessary.

“Good luck,” Hikaru said at last, though it sounded inadequate to everyone within earshot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu would have been lying if he’d said that he wasn’t nervous as he watched the life signals of Kirk and Spock beam off the ship. And his adrenaline only heightened as Pavel spoke next to him.

“They haff actiwated the drill…”

“Communications and transport are inoperative,” Uhura exclaimed. “Sulu, please tell me you have them. Otherwise, we won’t be able to beam them back.”

Sulu stared at his console, trying to will the signals back into existence, but he knew it was futile. “Kirk and Spock are on their own now.”

What followed were several tense minutes, as Sulu desperately hoped that he wouldn’t have to engage the ship with two crewmembers, as well as Pike, aboard. And the entire bridge crew stood up and cheered when the life signals did reappear and were beamed back aboard.

Only a few minutes later, Kirk and Spock were back on the bridge, hailing the Romulan ship. Sulu couldn’t help but smirk as he watched Spock’s pacifist nature melt away as he icily suggested that the Romulans did not deserve mercy or compassion. But Nero was defiant, and Kirk just shrugged his shoulders, not bothering to argue further with the enraged Romulan.

“Arm phasers, fire everything we got,” he called to Sulu.

“Yes sir!” And Sulu was only too happy to comply with that order.

And with that, the ship was shot at, and it plunged into a black hole, vanishing from their universe.

“Sulu, let’s go home!” Kirk exclaimed happily.

“Yes sir!” But as Sulu punched the thrusters… the ship didn’t respond.

“Why aren’t we at warp?” Kirk demanded.

“Ve are, sir…” Pavel said softly.

Sulu swore under his breath, realizing that the black hole had ensnared them as well. His hands clenched on the edge of his station, wondering (not for the first time on the mission) if they were finished… Kirk was shouting into his comm, pleading with Scotty to do whatever it took to get them out of there.

“If we eject the core and detonate it, the blast could be enough to push us away! I cannae promise anything though!” Scotty exclaimed.

“Do it, do it, do it!” Kirk shouted as the bridge heaved and groaned, straining between the opposing forces of the ship’s warp drive and the black hole. Everyone on the crew was clinging to the nearest stable surface. Pavel had one hand clenched on the edge of the station, but the other grabbed for Sulu’s arm. Normally, Sulu would have had some reaction to that… but not this time.

And then there was a brilliant light behind them as the warp cores detonated, and everyone was slammed forward as the Enterprise lurched forward and flew to safety, the whole ship cheering with joy and relief.

Kirk leaned back in his chair. “Holy shit… Let’s not do that again,” he said finally. “Chekov, Sulu, plot a course back for Earth. It’ll take us a few hours to get there without warp, but at least we’re going home, right?”

Relieved sighs could be heard from all over the bridge as they plodded back to their home planet.

After a couple hours, Kirk determined that they were safe from the black hole and roving Romulans, and he decided that the current bridge crew needed to take a break, so he told them to take a few hours to eat and sleep, summoning replacements from other corners of the ship.

It had been a full day, perhaps a bit longer, since they’d left Earth to respond to Vulcan’s distress call. The crew was relieved to get some sleep. Sulu headed straight for his quarters, and was unsurprised that Pavel was trailing him. The pilot and navigator typically had adjoining quarters, usually connected by a bathroom.

Pavel was silent as he walked behind Sulu, fiddling with his PADD as he walked.

“You okay?” Sulu asked, glancing over his shoulder at the teen. The boy looked exhausted now that the adrenaline rush had faded.

“Fine… I am fine,” he said, shaking his head a little.

Sulu accepted that at face value, and he didn’t ask any more questions. They separated at their respective quarters, and Sulu fell asleep almost immediately.

Only four hours later, Sulu jerked awake from a nightmare about falling off that damn drill again. His heart was hammering in his chest, and his hands shook as he brushed his hair back.

“Fuck…” he cursed, taking several deep breaths. His hands gripped the sheets, reminding himself that he was safe, he wasn’t falling, he was on the starship and everything was fine.

Realizing that he would be lucky to get any more sleep, he staggered to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face before looking at himself in the mirror. The few hours of sleep had done some good, and he didn’t look like the living dead anymore at least. But his nerves were shattered; and he groaned and rested his head on his forearms as he contemplated going back to bed and risking the return of the nightmare.

The door on Pavel’s side of the bathroom opened with a barely audible swish. Sulu glanced up to see the Russian teen in the doorway.

The boy looked like he’d been to hell and back. His eyes had been somewhat red when they’d come down to their quarters, but now they were even more red, and rather bloodshot. His curls were limp and his face was pale.

“You okay?” Pavel asked.

“I think I should be asking you that,” Sulu pointed out, nodding to the mirror. Pavel looked, flinched, and turned away.

“I am not able to sleep,” he said by way of explanation.

Sulu moved away from the sink, leaning against the wall that hid the shower from the rest of the bathroom. Pavel moved to splash water on his own haggard face, absently placing a PADD on the counter. Sulu nodded to it.

“Looking for something to help you sleep?” he asked.

Pavel’s head jerked up and he stared at the PADD as though it might bite him. Quickly drying his hands, he grabbed the PADD and flung it back into his quarters, apparently unconcerned about whether or not it would survive the throw.

Sulu lifted an eyebrow at the odd behavior, but didn’t comment. Instead, he sank down onto the floor and rested his head against his knees. A soft noise in front of him indicated that Pavel had copied his actions.

“Do you… do you tink ve vill ewer… ewer get past dis?” the teenager asked at last.

Sulu looked up to stare into those bloodshot hazel eyes. “I think we’ll be able to live with it eventually. But tonight isn’t that night.”

“Did you haff nightmare?” Pavel asked softly.

“Yeah…” Sulu sighed. “I… I dreamed about falling off the drill.”

The boy looked even paler after hearing that. “I vas… I vas so scared ven dat happened,” he admitted.

“YOU were scared?” Sulu laughed. “God, my heart may never beat properly again!”

They were silent for a minute. Then Pavel looked up, and his expression was much more serious and somber. “May I tell you someting?”

“Sure, anything,” Sulu agreed.

“I… I cannot stop tinking about… about Meester Spock’s face… ven I lost his mother.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that. The cliff collapsed. It wasn’t your fault. Spock knows that. His father knows that. Every single person on this ship knows that.”

“I know… My head knows,” Pavel agreed. “But… Did you see the look on his face?” he asked, his voice dropping almost to a whisper.

“Yeah… I saw,” Sulu whispered back. It had been heart-breaking to see.

“Hikaru?” Pavel asked softly, and Sulu’s heart melted at the way the teen said his name. “Are you sure ve vill be okay?”

“Yeah… It may take a while, but we’ll be okay.”

Pavel managed a weak smile, and his legs uncurled a little, his feet almost but not quite touching Sulu’s. And they sat there in companionable silence until they were due back on the bridge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, seriously, there is something so fucking weird about writing this fic while watching a TV show about whether or not King Tut and his wife/half-sister ever had children. Oh Ancient Egyptian royalty, how I adore you and your creepy incestuous ways… (That sounded creepy. Oh well.)
> 
> Anyways, you’ll find out what was on Pavel’s PADD in the next chapter! I was originally going to do that this chapter, and have Sulu see it too, but… I changed my mind. He has enough to deal with, with the nightmares and all.
> 
> Next chapter, we’re gonna dial up the angst and it’s gonna be terrible. Or fantastic, depending on how much you like angst. I’m looking forward to it, because I’m an evil bitch. Mwahaha!


	6. Who Says the First Cut is the Deepest?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tagged it already, but I'm gonna include a trigger warning here: There is some serious angst going on, and there is cutting, and there is a mess of survivor's guilt... Fun times.

Pavel Chekov thought he was slowly losing his mind.

Now that the threat of Nero was over and it was back to life at the Academy, he finally had time to think about what had happened, and to really experience the loss of his friends.

It had been so hard to see Natalya’s parents. He’d seen them when they arrived to attend the memorial ceremony for the students and faculty members who had perished in the terrible tragedy. It had been nearly impossible to bear, especially when Natalya’s mother had grabbed him into a bear-hug and held him as though she’d never let him go as she murmured endearments in Russian. Knowing that he would never see the vivacious dark-haired girl again… it was like he’d lost a sister.

Wandering around the campus and seeing the people he barely knew… it hurt. Everyone had lost at least one friend. Seeing groups that had lost members, seeing heart-broken halves of couples… it was hard.

Professor Spock moved around the campus like a zombie. He would never have gone so far as to show emotion over the loss of his planet and his mother, but he went about his tasks so mechanically… And if Chekov looked at just the right moment, he sometimes caught the half-Vulcan professor staring into space, his expression blank, but his eyes filled with unexpressed pain.

Uhura was often seen with her professor, but she could also be seen wandering around campus looking lost and alone without Natalya and Gaila at her side. The trio had been inseparable, and now they were gone.

Even Kirk wandered around in a daze. He was often seen with Dr. McCoy, both appearing shell-shocked on such an empty campus. And the one person Chekov wanted to see, but never saw, was Hikaru. It was as though the Asian man had vanished from campus, and Chekov could never get the courage to comm him. 

And then there was that hateful PADD.

Chekov jumped to his feet. He’d been lying on his bed, in the same dorm he’d shared with Jason all year. Jason’s parents, red-eyed and miserable, had been through to collect his things. Chekov could almost convince himself that he was okay in this room now that all signs of Jason had been removed, but it wasn’t really true.

He’d seen Erica’s parents as well. It wasn’t the first time they’d met, and Erica’s mother had clung to him tearfully. Obviously she was still under the impression that they’d still been dating… and Chekov let her think that. It didn’t matter whether she knew about Jason or not. Not really. It wouldn’t change anything. 

Banishing that thought from his head, he staggered to the bathroom his room shared with the room next door (the occupants had also perished, so really it was his own private bathroom now) and splashed cold water on his face. Then he looked at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot, with dark shadows under his eyes. He looked exhausted and ill, which was accurate, he supposed.

Returning to his room, he finally thought to look at the clock. It was 3:14am…

Time had no meaning. Chekov barely ate or slept anymore. He certainly wasn’t eating regular meals. He didn’t even remember the last time he’d been in the cafeteria during a normal meal. He hadn’t attended classes in two weeks, ever since he told his professors that he wanted to take his exams early. They’d been accommodating, so he’d been studying on his own. He hadn’t attended any of his labs either. In fact, he spent nearly all his time either in the library or in his dorm room.

It wasn’t healthy, certainly. But Chekov didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to see or speak to anyone, because everyone he saw reminded him of someone who had died. He’d thought about finishing his degree, and then going home rather than going into space. With this degree, he could get any job he wanted back in Russia… but being in Russia would remind him of Natalya. But how could he stay with Starfleet when everyone he saw reminded him of the loss…?

Collapsing back onto the bed, Chekov automatically reached out and grabbed the PADD on his nightstand. He knew he shouldn’t watch the video again, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself… He’d watched it so many times, it was burned into his brain… and yet, he kept watching it, over and over again, sometimes ten times in a single evening.

He found the video almost automatically, starting it up. The pretty blonde figure of Erica filled his screen. She was wearing her cadet uniform, her blonde hair pulled back in a bun, and she appeared to have tucked herself into an alcove of her ship, out of everyone’s way. She smiled at him on that screen.

“Hi Pav! Listen, I’m really sorry that I have to tell you this news this way… I wanted to tell you in person, I really did! But there was just no time… Oh my gosh, I don’t even know how to tell you this, so look!” She held up her left hand and he stared at the class ring glittering on her hand. “Jason asked me to marry him!!!” she squealed. “Oh Pav, if you were here, I’d be hugging you so hard right now… I’m so excited, I don’t even know what to do!”

Chekov chewed on his lip. The first time he’d watched the video, only moments after parting from Sulu outside their adjoining rooms, he had felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He hadn’t been able to breathe.

“I’m sure you’re excited for me! I can’t even believe it right now! You have to help me with the plans! That won’t be weird, right? I’m sure Jason is going to ask you to be the best man, and honestly I can’t think of anyone better! You’re one of my best friends, so you know I want you to be part of this!”

Chekov kept chewing on his lips. It made him sick that she thought… after he had put so much energy into avoiding her and Jason…

“Oh Pav, I wish you were here right now! But at least I’m with Jason! I can’t wait to see you when this is all over though! I miss you… I feel like it’s been forever since we talked.” She reached towards the screen, then stopped. “I love you Pav, you know that, don’t you? Comm me back when you get this, and I’ll see you when we get home. I should probably go now,” she added as sirens began to wail. “Talk to you soon! Be good on the Enterprise, dear!” she exclaimed. “Bye!”

And the message was over, and only moments later… she had died. She had died when her ship was blown to pieces by Nero, like so many other people from Starfleet Academy.

Chekov realized his was sobbing, dry heaving sobs that nearly choked him. It never got easier. Maybe it never would.

He felt sick. He couldn’t breathe. His whole body was shaking. Rising to his feet, he began the slow automatic shuffle towards the bathroom door. Standing over the sink, he stared at his reflection for a moment before opening one of the drawers by the sink. Inside was a box of razor blades. Selecting a fresh one, he ran it back and forth between his fingers, staring at the sharp silver edge.

Then he cradled the blade in one hand while rolling up the sleeve of his shirt. Several white bandages were already wrapped around his wrist, concealing other wounds. Finding an empty expanse on his wrist, he gritted his teeth and drew the blade quickly across the pale skin. A hiss of pain escaped his lips, accompanied by the feeling of a weight being lifted off his shoulders as his intense emotional pain was transferred to physical pain. 

He made several cuts in a small cluster, then stood at the sink, gasping, for several moments, watching his blood run down his arm to drip into the sink. Once the flow of blood had subsided to a trickle, he finally rinsed the cuts as gently as he could, applied some antibiotic cream, and wrapped a new bandage around his arm. Then he washed the razor blade, cleaned it with alcohol, and returned it to the box before walking to his room, collapsing into his bed, and falling into a dreamless sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu stared at the three TA’s he was eating lunch with, sure that he had not heard that correctly. “What did you say?”

“I said that the Russian kid, Chekov or whatever, hasn’t been to his lab in two weeks. I really need to talk to the prof and let him know…”

“But…” he began, then trailed off.

“I know, it’s not like him at all. I’m kind of worried,” the TA admitted. “He’s one of my favorites… he’s never missed class before, he always has his work done early, and it’s actually RIGHT! It’s like a breath of fresh air, honestly… Some of the people in these labs, it’s like, how did you even get into this school?”

The rest of the TA’s were nodding in agreement and started trading horror stories. But Sulu didn’t participate in the discussion. He drummed his fingers against the tabletop, lost in thought.

It wasn’t like Pavel to miss class… The boy was brilliant, and he took his education seriously. Something must be wrong… but what right did Sulu have to go barging into the kid’s business?

After a suitable amount of time, Sulu excused himself, deciding to head for the library. He needed to work on a paper, and he would probably get it done faster in the library than in his apartment.

The library was mostly deserted. It was too soon for anyone to be studying for exams yet. Sulu wandered around for a while, looking for a suitable table, when he saw a familiar head of curls. He took a second look to make sure he wasn’t seeing things, but it was really Pavel, deeply engrossed in a textbook and chewing on his thumbnail. Sulu approached him cautiously.

“Pavel?”

The boy glanced up, hazel eyes bright with interest. Sulu couldn’t help but notice that the teen looked every bit as exhausted as he had on the Enterprise, even though they’d been back for almost a month. And Pavel looked like he was losing weight too. Sulu wondered how to broach the subject without sounding too parental or overbearing.

“Hikaru, hi,” Pavel said brightly. “Vat are you doing here?”

“Well supposedly I’m working on a paper,” Sulu said with a shrug. “We’ll see how that goes. You look busy, but… can I sit down?”

“Sure,” Pavel said, moving a pair of textbooks to one side. “And I am not so busy… I am taking exams early.”

“Really? Why?” Sulu asked as he pulled out the chair across from Pavel and dropping into it.

“Vell… I do not know,” Pavel admitted. “I had thought of going back to Russia… but I do not know anymore.”

Sulu wasn’t sure what to say to that. “What about your labs?” he decided at last.

Pavel actually looked guilty. “I haff not vanted to go… I haff been meaning to get exemption.” Then he paused. “Vait, how did you know…?”

“I know the TA of your lab,” Sulu said with a shrug. “He was talking about it earlier during one of our meetings.”

“Is dat vhy you came to find me?” Pavel asked, looking even guiltier.

“To be honest, I wasn’t looking for you at all right now. I really am here to do a paper,” Sulu said, propping his elbow on the table. “But I was gonna comm you and make sure everything was okay. I feel kinda bad that I haven’t checked up on you. Things have just been so crazy around here… you know?”

Pavel nodded. He seemed pleased that Sulu had even thought about him at all, and Sulu had a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach… a mixture of happiness and guilt. The kid was just seventeen after all, and Sulu really should have made more of an effort to make sure he was doing okay. They’d all been through such a traumatic experience after all.

They chatted inconsequentially for a few moments, with Sulu sharing the gossip he’d heard that the mysterious Mr. Scott had already been assigned as the Chief Engineer of the Enterprise and that he’d taken to tinkering with the ship at all hours. Before long, an hour had flown by, and Sulu cursed when he saw the time.

“Shit, I came here to write my paper…” he muttered. “I should go.”

“You can write it here, I do not mind,” Pavel said.

Before Sulu could decide whether or not to accept that invitation, Pavel reached over to grab a PADD and the sleeve of his cadet uniform slid up, revealing crisp white bandages.

“Hey, what the heck happened to you?” Sulu asked as casually as he could.

Pavel wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Is nothing… Just a minor burn,” he muttered, pulling on the sleeve on his shirt.

Sulu could feel one of his eyebrows creeping up to meet his hairline as he stared skeptically. “Is that a fact? Have you been to see anyone in medical?”

“No, it is fine,” Pavel insisted. “I… I am embarrassed I hurt myself in such a foolish vay,” he decided at last.

“Uh huh…” Sulu said. “Well, let’s take you over to Dr. McCoy. He’s a cool guy, and I know he’s not going to care how you hurt yourself. Come on.” And he grabbed Pavel’s arm, barely giving the boy time to grab his PADD and books before hauling him out of the library, ignoring his protests the entire time.

As Sulu had hoped, Dr. McCoy was alone in the clinic, and was perhaps a bit less grumpy than normal. “Hey there Sulu,” he greeted him. “And Ensign Chekov… To what do I owe the honor?” he asked, eyebrows rising on his ruggedly handsome face.

“Ensign Chekov says he burnt his arm, and I thought you should take a look at it to make sure it won’t get infected or anything,” Sulu said.

Pavel was now holding his arm protectively against his chest. “Dis is really not necessary…”

“Kid, if you’re worried that you’re wasting my time, don’t be. That damn fool brat we all had to call Captain on that ship is more trouble than any hundred others on this campus,” Dr. McCoy drawled with his pronounced Southern accent.

Sulu finally let go of Pavel’s arm, but that proved to be a mistake as the teen bolted away, a stammered apology for wasting their time thrown over his shoulder. Sulu fumed silently, glaring at the closed door to the clinic.

“Mind tellin’ me if that was about what I think it was about?” McCoy asked, sitting back down in his chair and gesturing for Sulu to take the other one.

“I wish I knew, Doc,” Sulu said. “I haven’t seen the injuries for myself, but the way he’s acting… I doubt it’s a burn, is all.”

The doctor nodded his agreement. “Have you talked to the kid before today at all?”

“No. I just happened to run into him at the library an hour or so ago.”

“Well, maybe you should reach out to him more… If he is havin’ trouble, it’d be better if he wasn’t alone all the damn time like he is now.”

“You have a point,” Sulu agreed. “I feel awful about this, I should have tried to talk to him earlier. I knew he was having a hard time when we were still on the Enterprise… I can’t imagine being at school has made things any better.”

“What about you? Those sleep aids helpin’ you at all?” McCoy asked shrewdly.

“I guess,” Sulu said with a shrug. “I don't like them, but at least they keep me from dreaming most of the time.”

“I figured those would work. I take them myself from time to time. And I don’t even want to try to count how many people I’ve prescribed them to since we got back. Seems like damn near everyone needs some pills to help get through this.”

Sulu shook his head. “It’s been hard on all of us.”

“That’s for sure,” McCoy agreed. “Well, thanks for bringin’ this to my attention. Let me know if you think the kid’s gettin’ any worse. Don’t want to add another casualty to our list, you know?”

“Don’t even say that,” Sulu said grimly, rising to his feet and heading off. He had a lot to think about now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought that was bad, the next chapter will be worse. Just gonna throw that out there now.


	7. Falling Apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: cutting, suicide attempt, metric ton of angst. All in a day's work.

Pavel Chekov should have been asleep hours ago. Ever since Hikaru had started to message him and spend time with him, Chekov had been making an effort to return to the real world, which meant more conforming to schedules and less lying awake until some ungodly hour of the morning. But some habits were hard to break.

At first, Chekov had been reluctant to accept Hikaru’s invitation to eat lunch with him, considering what had happened the last time they’d spoken… but he’d agreed anyways, and he was glad he had. Now they ate lunch together at least twice a week, and they got together one evening a week to watch movies together (and no, Chekov refused to think of these as DATES; that was a torture to exquisite to contemplate). 

But even with the presence of a friend in his life, Chekov’s mind still felt unbearably fragile. In some ways, Hikaru made it worse because it was so hard to hide his continued attraction to the older man…

And here he was, at 2:53am, and he found himself reaching for his PADD again. That familiar video appeared and he closed his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at Erica, even as he mouthed the words of her little speech along with her.

“Hi Pav! Listen, I’m really sorry that I have to tell you this news this way…”

By the time the video was over, tears stung Chekov’s eyes. He should just delete the video, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was a terrible way to remember his ex-girlfriend, but they were also her last moments alive, and erasing that… it just felt wrong. 

He forced himself to breathe. Once, twice… inhale, exhale… He closed his eyes, concentrating on his breathing, his heartbeat, the sound of his blood pounding in his ears… And finally he drifted off to sleep.

A week later, he’d finished his last final. Everyone else would be taking theirs next week. But Chekov wasn’t sure what to do with himself now. He still hadn’t decided whether to stay with Starfleet, return home to Russia, or think up a third option. Deciding not to worry about it tonight, he headed towards a nearby restaurant with a bar. Hikaru often hung out there, and Chekov was hoping that maybe they’d bump into each other.

The place was crowded with cadets trying to have something of a good time before buckling down and studying. As Chekov wove his way between tables, he spotted Hikaru’s familiar face. But he wasn’t alone.

Chekov’s steps slowed. He recognized the other man too. It was Dr. McCoy. Sliding behind a crowd of cadets, Chekov was able to listen to their conversation.

“…hasn’t done anything to make me worry. Maybe it really was just an accident. Or a phase that he got over.”

“I dunno… Suicidal thoughts don’t just go away on their own.”

“We don’t have proof that he DID attempt suicide though. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“Yeah, fine… Just keep an eye on him. I’m not convinced. Ya want another round?”

“You buying?”

“Yeah, what the hell.”

“Then sure. One more round. Then I’m gonna go comm Pavel and see how his last exam went.”

“He took exams early? Ya really better keep a close eye on him then. Ya know what they say about idle hands, right?”

Chekov had heard enough. He felt sick. He’d been so hopeful that Hikaru had actually wanted to be his friend, that they were moving past their awkward one-night-stand into something that could be more meaningful… and he was just spying for Dr. McCoy to make sure Chekov wasn’t suicidal. Hot tears pricked his eyes as he slipped out of the restaurant before he was spotted, and he collapsed onto his bed, feeling more alone than ever before.

It was nearly two hours later when Hikaru sent him a message.

“Hey Pavel, how did your exam go?”

Chekov thought for a moment before typing back. “It went well I think. Now I just need to figure out what to do after graduation.”

“I’m sure you’ll make the right decision,” was Hikaru’s only advice. Not very helpful.

“Are you still coming over to watch a movie tonight?”

There was silence for nearly ten minutes. Finally a message arrived.

“I can’t. I’m really sorry, but my first exam is going to be just awful and I really need to study. Maybe after exams are over?”

Chekov’s heart sank like a stone. So that was that. He recognized the signs of avoidance. The promise of future plans was meant to ease him, but they would never materialize. Now that Hikaru was satisfied that Chekov was mentally stable, there was no reason for them to keep spending time together.

“Okay. Good luck!”

Laying the PADD down on the nightstand, Chekov stared up at the ceiling until the pattern above him swam. He couldn’t think anymore.

Standing up, he walked into the bathroom and carefully unwound the bandages on his arm. The cuts were all healing nicely. A couple of them might scar, but most would never leave a mark. Reaching into the drawer, he grabbed a razor blade, found a patch of bare skin, and made a quick slice. But the flash of pain didn’t remove the twin dull aches in his head and in his heart. 

“What’s the point?” he asked his reflection in the mirror. The pale exhausted figure had no answers for him.

There was no point, really. Every option for the future looked so bleak. He was tormented by the ghosts of his lost friends. Hikaru didn’t really care about him, not even as a friend. So why did he bother clinging to this life? There was nothing here for him anymore.

Chekov removed his shirt, wadding it up and tossing it back into the dorm room. Then he looked at his reflection again. He was so deathly pale, he was practically a corpse already. He’d been losing weight at an unhealthy rate. The dark circles under his eyes were so large, it looked like he had two black eyes. He looked like a man on death’s door already.

Twisting his arm, Chekov studied the cuts and their various stages of healing. The one he’d just made was shallow and had already stopped bleeding. He could easily see the pale blue vein snaking its way up his arm and towards his heart. As he stared, he moved automatically backwards to sit with his back against the wall across from the sink.

It was so easy.

The work of a single quick slashing motion. 

Slicing lengthwise up his arm instead of crosswise, he opened the vein.

His entire arm became scarlet, a more vivid color than even the Starfleet security uniforms.

And his vision went black, as black as the black hole that had claimed Nero…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu was feeling guilty. He had JUST gotten done talking with Dr. McCoy about how he needed to spend more time with Pavel to make sure that the teen was no longer harboring suicidal thoughts, and what was the first thing he did? Cancel their usual movie night, of course. But then, he’d never been good at listening to doctors.

Trying to ignore the PADD next to him, Sulu made himself focus on the textbook in front of him. But he couldn’t get Pavel out of his head.

Something was bothering him about the teen’s last message. It had been… short. That was unusual. He could be chatty, especially in a medium that let him communicate without an accent, though Sulu was secretly very fond of it. But there was definitely something wrong about that message… Was it mere disappointment? Sulu just wasn’t sure.

Unable to stand it any longer, Sulu sent a quick message. “Hey, studying is kicking my ass and I could use a break. Want to go grab a soda or something?” It wasn’t much, but it was a start… a small way to make up for ditching the poor kid.

He tried to focus on the textbook again, but it was no use. He couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering to the PADD, waiting for the response. The minutes ticked by… fifteen, twenty, thirty, forty-five… And now Sulu was worried. He knew Pavel wasn’t sleeping… and that was really the only reason it had ever taken Pavel more than a few minutes to reply.

Sulu felt a chill run down his spine, but he couldn’t explain why. There was no real reason to think anything was wrong… And yet… He could not shake the feeling…

Unable to remain in his apartment any longer, Sulu jumped to his feet and headed towards Pavel’s dorm room. The whole way there, he tried to reassure himself.

“He probably went for a walk and forgot his PADD… Or maybe he’s taking a nap… He really needs more sleep… He’s going to be there and he’s going to laugh at me for worrying… Maybe I’ll just pretend I wasn’t worried...”

Coming to the dorm, he pressed the buzzer, waiting for the door to open or for Pavel to speak on the intercom.

There was nothing. Only silence.

Sulu felt himself shiver. He really couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. He pressed a button, but the door was locked.

“Shit…” he muttered. Then he started to knock. But there was still no sound from the dorm. “Pavel? Are you there? It’s Hikaru. Come on, open the door.”

“Access granted,” the computer chirped. There was a distinct click as the door unlocked, then swished open.

“What the hell?” Sulu asked out loud. When did Pavel decide it was a good idea for Sulu to have unlimited access into his room? Any other time, Sulu would have allowed himself to become absorbed in the question and try to figure out the meaning behind it, but right now… he was really worried.

There was still no sound in the dorm. Everything was so still.

The room was nearly spotless. One bed had a slight indentation where Pavel had lain at some point. There was a single shirt crumpled on the floor near the closed bathroom door. And Pavel’s PADD sat on the nightstand, an icon blinking to indicate that there was at least one unopened message. Sulu approached it cautiously, and saw his own name.

Pavel had never seen his message.

Pavel had been away from his PADD for at least an hour.

But where the hell was he?

Looking around some more, Sulu spotted a pair of sneakers sitting under a chair out of the way. The hairs stood up on the back of Sulu’s neck. Pavel always wore those shoes around campus. Where the hell was he?

“Pavel?” he called. He didn’t know why he called out… There was no way the kid was here…

And then he heard a noise.

Sulu was sure he was hearing things. It was such a quiet noise, a soft little moan of a creature in pain, so soft he wasn’t sure he’d actually heard anything. And where could the noise be coming from? Sulu glanced under the twin beds and in the twin closets, but nothing was there.

“….Pavel?” he called again, more cautiously this time. Something was very wrong in this room…

And there was a noise again… so soft that it seemed like a figment of his imagination.

“The bathroom?” Sulu wondered softly. Perhaps that was it… perhaps Pavel had been in the shower and had fallen and hit his head or something… He approached the closed bathroom door and opened it cautiously.

Nothing could have prepared him for the sight he beheld.

There was so much blood…

Starkly scarlet against the white tiled floor… It was everywhere.

And in the middle of it all… lay the crumpled form of Pavel Chekov… one arm sliced open… and a razor blade clutched between his fingers.

“Oh fuck…” Sulu gasped. “Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck Pavel what the fuck have you done to yourself?”

The teen was unconscious on the floor, and Sulu still wondered if he’d actually heard any noises from the bathroom or if something else had drawn him here. Shaking himself out of his daze, he dropped to his knees next to the boy, one hand removing the razor blade from his grasp, and the other scrambling to find the pulse in the teen’s neck.

He couldn’t find it.

“No… no, no, no… Fucking hell, Pavel, don’t you do this to me!” he exclaimed furiously.

There was a towel on the counter, so Sulu grabbed it and wrapped it around the injured arm, trying to staunch the flow of blood. Then his fingers scrambled over Pavel’s milky-white throat, leaving bloody marks as he desperately sought a pulse. Giving up, he put his hand on Pavel’s bare chest, going straight for the heartbeat.

And he found it.

It was faint, but it was there.

Sulu exhaled, relief washing over him. Sure, this was still bad… but he wasn’t too late, there was still time. Grabbing his PADD, he commed McCoy.

“Sulu? Do you have any idea what time it is and how early I have to be at the clinic in the mornin’?” the very grumpy doctor demanded, his Southern accent even thicker when he was half-asleep.

“Doc, I don’t care right now, okay? You need to come to Chekov’s dorm room NOW!”

“What? Why?”

“NOW, DOC!!!” Sulu practically shouted.

Finally recognizing the very real panic in Sulu’s voice, the doctor quietly asked for the dorm number, which Sulu was able to give. Dr. McCoy promised to be there in a few minutes and then he was gone.

Sulu exhaled, carefully rearranging Pavel so the teen’s head lay in his lap. One of Sulu’s hands pressed the towel more firmly against the wound, while the other kept returning to the younger boy’s heart, reassuring himself that it was still beating.

“Fucking hell, Pavel, why did you do it?” he groaned. “Why… why didn’t you tell me something was wrong?” He bowed his head. “Why didn’t I see it for myself?”

He was only a little surprised to realize that hot tears were pricking his eyes.

And still Pavel’s life-blood slipped away…

Dr. McCoy could not get there fast enough for Sulu.


	8. Dealing With Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to do some awesome research to figure out what McCoy would have used to treat Chekov’s injury… epic win for me. And epic win for the Star Trek wiki…
> 
> And yes, I do get tired of the angst after a while, but I can’t stop now… I did, however, totally take a break from the angst and write an epic romantic scene… sadly, it won’t be for a few chapters yet… but damn, even I need a break from the angst once in a while. So, romance. Adorable romance. With Chekov acting all cute and puppyish and Sulu being all flustered and uncertain. My drug, that thing right there. (happy sigh)
> 
> Oh, and I’m shaking things up a little. This chapter will start with Sulu’s point of view, then end with Chekov’s because it just works better that way right now. Just this one time. For now.

For Hikaru Sulu, it seemed like an eternity, but it was really only a few minutes before Dr. McCoy burst into the dorm room. The bathroom door still hung open, and McCoy saw the bloodbath almost instantly. He swore rather colorfully at the sight before him.

Sulu knew how it must look. His heart hadn’t properly started beating since he’d first laid eyes on the pool of blood covering the bathroom floor, and the still form of Pavel Chekov in the middle of it all. He looked up to meet the doctor’s eyes.

“What the fuck happened here?” McCoy managed to gasp as he stared.

Wordlessly, Sulu pointed to the razor blade that still lay on the floor where he’d dropped it after prying it from Pavel’s hand.

“Shit…” was all McCoy was able to say.

“He’s still got a heartbeat at least,” Sulu said weakly.

“Not for long, he won’t,” McCoy snapped, slipping into professional doctor mode. He unwound the towel from the teen’s arm, made an irritated noise when he saw the damage to the arm, and immediately applied the vascular regenerator to heal the vein that had been so precisely slit. 

“He… he’ll make it, won’t he?” Sulu asked.

“We’ll see… I’ll give him a hypo to stimulate blood production… We’ll just have to wait and see, but he’s hung with us so far,” McCoy said, sounding cautiously optimistic.

Sulu exhaled a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding.

“We’ll take him to the clinic where I can keep an eye on him,” McCoy said.

Sulu’s eyes widened. “The clinic? But…”

“But what?”

“If you take him, then…” Sulu bit his lip. “This will become official Starfleet business.”

“Sulu, a suicide attempt is pretty fuckin’ serious in my book, and he did a damn good job of it, don’t ya think? I’d much rather have that on record so maybe the kid can get some help ‘stead of bein’ left on his own to try this again!”

It made sense… yet the thought still made Sulu slightly ill. Or maybe it was the smell of the blood that was still everywhere and had soaked into his clothes and was all over his hands, and… just everywhere.

Seeing the unhappy look on Sulu’s face, McCoy relented a little. “Okay, fine… We’ll at least wait til he wakes up… But if he shows ANY sign of bein’ suicidal, he’s headed straight to the clinic to get some damn help!”

Sulu nodded weakly.

“So what are we gonna do with him?” McCoy wondered. “I’d take him back to my place, but I have to work at the clinic and I’m not comfortable leaving him alone… Jim comes by often, but I have a feeling you want to keep this as quiet as possible,” he said, lifting his eyebrows.

Sulu nodded. “We can take him to my apartment. I live alone, and I was planning on staying there to study anyways.”

McCoy nodded. “Sounds good. Take him back to your place and get him cleaned up. And get yourself cleaned up too. I’ll clean up here and grab some of his things.”

Sulu nodded his approval and gave the doctor his apartment number. McCoy gave Pavel the promised hypo, but the teen didn’t react to the needle at all. McCoy didn’t seem too concerned, but Sulu worried the whole way back. He was relieved that it was so late and dark… he barely saw any other students, and no one could see him well enough to see all the blood or Pavel’s unconscious body.

Back in his apartment, Sulu cleaned Pavel up as best he could, ignoring the red-tinged water as it slipped down the drain. He washed his own hands and threw away his shirt, making up his mind to burn the damn thing the second he got the chance.

Thankfully McCoy arrived minutes later and he shooed Sulu to the side, cleaning Pavel and dressing him in pajamas with the practiced clinical detachment only a true doctor could possess. Then Sulu scooped the boy up in his arms and laid him in his own bed. He’d sleep on the couch.

“Hey Doc, when do you have to be at the clinic?” Sulu asked, wondering if he sounded as exhausted as he felt. Now that the adrenaline and fear had mostly worn off, he was becoming very aware of how insanely early in the morning it was.

“I have a couple hours yet,” McCoy said with a sigh, gazing down at his own bloody hands.

“If you want a shower…” Sulu began.

“Nah… You take a shower. I’ll stay til you’re done, then head back to my place. I need to pick up my scrubs and replenish some of my medical supplies anyways.”

“Okay,” Sulu agreed with a nod. He was so exhausted…

“Chin up, kid, he’s gonna be fine… at least physically,” McCoy amended with a scowl.

Sulu didn’t even try to smile at that. He just walked into the bathroom, showering away the last traces of Pavel’s blood. Then he wrapped the clothes he’d been wearing in a towel and threw it all into the incinerator. He knew he’d never be able to wear those clothes again. After saying goodbye to Dr. McCoy, he carefully scrubbed the bathroom and the few traces of blood that had been tracked from the door to the bathroom. This led to him scrubbing his entire apartment until the whole place reeked of bleach because if he didn’t, he thought he might vomit.

But finally, finally… things were clean. Stepping into his bedroom, Sulu stood next to Pavel, just watching the boy breathe. His arm was a mass of white bandages and Sulu felt sick all over again. He ran his fingers through those soft curls, watching them tumble perfectly back into place. Then, realizing what he was doing, he took a step back. Then he turned and went out to the couch, berating himself all the while. He collapsed onto the couch, tossing and turning agitatedly as he tried to keep his mind from wandering… and finally fell into a restless sleep.

A knock at the door woke him up, and for one unreasonable moment, Sulu thought that someone had found out about what had happened and was coming to take Pavel away. But hearing more knocking, and some Southern-accented swearing, Sulu realized what was going on and he staggered to the door.

Dr. McCoy looked about as angry as Sulu had ever seen him. “Well, don’t you look like a jolly ol’ ray of sunshine,” he snapped.

“Thanks, Doc, you look amazing too,” Sulu said dryly. The doctor’s clothes were rumpled, there were shadows under his eyes, and his hair was mused. If Sulu didn’t know any better… but he did and this was not the time to make jokes.

“As well I should,” he snapped. “Damn fool kids and your damn fool bullshit...” he muttered as he stormed into the bedroom. He took Pavel’s pulse, quick and efficient as ever. “Well he doesn’t seem any worse than he did this morning,” the doctor muttered to himself. “We’ll let him sleep this off, and tomorrow I’ll check the bandage and use the dermal regenerator to clean him up. Nobody will ever know what happened.”

“Thanks,” Sulu said softly, crossing his arms and leaning against the doorframe. It hurt to even look at Pavel’s still form. He rubbed his forehead, feeling a headache coming on. 

The doctor’s expression softened. “You look pretty worn out… Do ya want me to stay a while?”

Sulu shook his head. “You haven’t slept yet, and you should. We’ll be okay here.”

“If you’re sure,” the doctor said, but he looked just a little relieved as he headed for the door.

Sulu shut the door behind him and rested his head against the doorframe. “Fuck…” he muttered. He didn’t want to fall asleep, but he was too exhausted to be awake any longer. And taking a sleep aid was out of the question… What if Pavel needed him? He would not sleep through that.

So he walked over to the couch and fell onto it, falling asleep in minutes.

And then the nightmares came.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pavel Chekov opened his eyes. That was something of a surprise to him. He hadn’t planned on doing that ever again.

His eyes flicked in all directions, trying to figure out where he was. He wasn’t in his dorm, or in the Academy clinic. But there was something familiar about this place…

And then Hikaru walked through the door and it all came flooding back and he knew he was in Hikaru’s apartment, and he honestly thought he was going to be sick.

Hikaru’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh. Hey. You’re awake.”

Chekov stared at him for a moment, then turned his eyes up towards the ceiling. Hikaru hesitated in the doorway.

“Um… do you need anything?”

Chekov pretended he couldn’t hear the other man.

Hikaru shuffled his feet. “Um… okay then…” And finally he turned and left.

Chekov exhaled. He couldn’t explain it, but… he wasn’t ready to face Hikaru yet… or anyone. Well, actually it made sense… Some way, somehow… Hikaru had saved his life. And Chekov wasn’t entirely convinced he should be grateful for that.

Dr. McCoy showed up a short while later. Chekov gave short quiet answers to his questions about how much pain he was in and other symptoms, but when Hikaru walked in, Chekov promptly closed his mouth and didn’t say a word. McCoy looked bewildered, and Hikaru just turned and walked back out… and Chekov refused to feel guilty at the hurt that flashed across Hikaru’s eyes.

As he lay in bed that night, trying to think of anything except removing the bandages on his arm (which McCoy had expressly forbidden, and Chekov didn’t want to risk the doctor’s wrath), he heard noises from the living room. Hikaru… having trouble sleeping from the sound of things. And Chekov quickly squashed all his concern for the other man.

‘He doesn’t want you around,’ a mean little voice in his head reminded him. ‘He’s probably only keeping you here because McCoy told him to. And you didn’t even want to be saved.’

But he couldn’t make his ears block out the distressed noises coming from the living room. Nor could he block out the hurried footsteps and the retching noises that followed. Part of him wondered what was going on, and if Hikaru was okay. But part of him was trying to stay detached. He’d already let himself be hurt badly… he couldn’t allow it to happen again.

When Chekov woke up again, the apartment was dead silent. Hikaru wasn’t there, he was sure of it. And he felt slightly ill, realizing that he had been abandoned.

The door to the apartment opened, and the soft Southern-drawl identified the entrant as Dr. McCoy. The doctor puttered around for a short while, then walked into the bedroom.

“Hey there, kid. Still alive I see,” the doctor said.

Chekov made a noncommittal noise in response.

Dr. McCoy unwound the bandage. He’d used the dermal regenerator on the arm the day before, and the new skin was soft, pink, tender to the touch… and completely free of any marks. It was like a brand new arm, and Chekov had trouble looking at it.

“So how much longer are you gonna be givin’ Sulu the silent treatment?” Dr. McCoy asked in a mock-casual tone.

Chekov glanced down at his lap and didn’t answer.

Dr. McCoy was quiet for a moment. Then, “Ya know, you’re a terrible friend.”

Chekov’s head jerked up to look at McCoy, then his glance darted away again.

“Would ya mind tellin’ me just what ya hope t’ gain by pushin’ away your best friend, the man who saved your damn life?” McCoy asked, and there was an angry edge to his voice, true anger rather than his usual blustery gruffness.

“He is NOT my best friend,” Chekov muttered rebelliously, trying to pull his injured arm away from the doctor.

McCoy just gripped the arm harder, making Chekov wince. “Really now? How d’ya figure that?”

“A real friend vould not haff lied to me and ditched me.”

The expression on McCoy’s face was pure incredulity. “Have you lost your damn mind? He’s studying for his FINALS! Not everyone is a teenage genius like you! Us mere mortals actually have to study!”

“He still lied,” Chekov muttered.

“What did he lie to you about?”

“I thought he vas my friend. Apparently he vas just YOUR spy,” Chekov muttered, glaring at McCoy through the curls that fell onto his face.

McCoy just stared. “Wait… You think I asked Sulu to spy on you to make sure you weren’t suicidal?”

Chekov didn’t answer, but his stare became more pointed.

McCoy just rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. “First of all, I wouldn’t do that. If I’d had any proof, I coulda just summoned ya to the clinic for a psych evaluation. Second, even if I did ask him to spy on ya, ya shouldn’t take it out on him. Third, considering the wound I’m healin’ for ya… I’d say I’d have been pretty damn justified sic’in’ a spy on ya, don’t ya think?”

Chekov opened his mouth, then closed it again. He couldn’t really refute that.

“Now you listen to me, kid… That man who saved your damn life is worrying himself sick over you. I really doubt he’s slept since you did this to yourself. The least you could do is maybe acknowledge his presence once in a while or somethin’.”

Chekov swallowed. The doctor had a point. 

“So you’ll talk to him?”

Chekov swallowed, then nodded. “Da… I vill.”

“Good,” McCoy said. Then he stood up. “You’re healin’ up pretty well. Keep takin’ it easy.”

Chekov nodded again, and McCoy left, leaving the teenager alone with his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, wasn’t that fun? (maniacal laughter) I feel so awful. I’m being REALLY mean right now… It’ll get better though, I promise. One more chapter of epic angst though! It’s gonna be amazing, I already have most of it written. We get to find out why poor Hikaru is having these nightmares!


	9. Show Me How to be Whole Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, the chapter title is a line from the song Castle of Glass by Linkin Park. It’s a really great song! I was listening to it while writing Chekov’s part of this chapter.
> 
> Second, this will be the last REALLY angsty chapter (I think… we’ll see… at least the last one for a while, I promise!), and Chekov is going to be terrible and try to cut himself again, but then I’m gonna be done with that stuff, so anyone who’s tweaking over this can breathe easy, this is the last chapter with cutting.
> 
> Oh, and I have this stupid grin on my face right now… you have no idea… I just came up with this epic scene… sadly it won’t be up for MANY chapters… (sad) But I’m gonna go write it right now, and there will be a distinct lack of shirts and a whole lot of fresh-from-the-shower sexiness… (fans self and almost faints) Yes, I’m a tease. You guys still love me though, right?
> 
> Disclaimer: If I had the money to buy Star Trek, I’d probably find other things to spend it on, honestly… Like paying John Cho and Anton Yelchin to dress in the Starfleet uniforms and make out so I can take pictures… Or re-enact the scene I’m about to write that STILL has me grinning… What, me, crazy? Nah!

Even though Pavel Chekov had promised Dr. McCoy that he would talk to Hikaru, he didn’t know what to say and so he found himself not saying a word when the other man returned from his exams looking like he’d been hit by a truck.

“Hey Pavel,” Hikaru greeted him with a wan smile. “You feeling okay?”

Chekov at least managed a nod, but his throat closed up and he couldn’t speak. He was still hurt and angry and confused and his thoughts were still too dark…

Hikaru tried to talk to him some more, but getting no response, he finally gave up. Chekov just stared into space, his fingers tracing the bandage covering the tender new skin on his arm. It was strange to know that there were no longer any cut marks there…

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but suddenly Hikaru was in the room, halfway between the door and the bed. “Hey… can I talk to you for a sec?”

Chekov just shrugged.

Hikaru took a step closer. “Listen… I know you hate me right now.”

Chekov’s head jerked up slightly, but he didn’t refute that. 

Hikaru gradually inched closer as he talked. “You may hate me for weeks, months, years, whatever. But I’m not going to apologize to you. I don’t regret saving you because someday you’re going to be glad that I did. You may never tell me so… hell, you may never want to see me again. But you won’t always hate me for doing this, and that’s all that’s important to me.”

Chekov glanced up warily. Hikaru’s cheeks were slightly flushed. There was something… oddly personal about that speech. They stared at each other for a painfully long moment before Chekov dropped his gaze and Hikaru started backing away.

“I’ll be in the living room. Call if you need me.”

Chekov chewed on his lower lip. “Actually…”

Hikaru turned around quickly, almost eagerly. “Yes?”

“…” Chekov blushed a little. “Can… can you help me get up? I need to use the bathroom.”

Hikaru nodded and stepped next to the bed. He easily slipped Chekov’s uninjured arm over his shoulder, letting Chekov lean against him and shouldering his weight easily as they walked. Once they were at the bathroom, Chekov clutched at the counter, his legs supporting him, but only just.

“Call if you need me,” Hikaru repeated. Chekov nodded and closed the door, leaning against it and exhaling.

Hikaru’s bathroom was spotless, which was a bit of a change from the last time he’d seen it. Not that it had been strictly messy, but… this was so clean, it was unnerving.

Shaking his head, Chekov began opening drawers and checking the medicine cabinet. His heart sank. Hikaru had thought this through. There were no razor blades in the bathroom.

Chekov chewed on his lower lip. Then his eyes fell on an empty glass sitting at the edge of the sink. He filled the glass and brought it to his lips, taking a long drink. Then he stared at the empty glass, the leftover beads of water glimmering under the harsh bathroom lighting. And he let the glass fall from his hands, shattering on the floor.

Chekov dropped to his knees, quickly spotting the piece he wanted, nice and long with a good jagged edge, just like a knife. That piece was slipped into the pocket of his shirt, and then he began to slowly and carefully gather the rest of the shattered glass into a pile.

The door burst open and Hikaru stood there, alarm written all over his face. “Pavel! What happened? Are you okay?”

“Fine,” Chekov mumbled. “Just dropped my glass. I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s fine… they’re easy to replicate…” Hikaru said. “Here, let me help you back to bed. I’ll clean up the glass, don’t worry about it.” And he reached out, carefully clasping Chekov’s hand and guiding him out of the bathroom and back to bed. Chekov stared into space as Hikaru quietly cleaned up the fallen glass, and he closed his eyes as Hikaru passed through the bedroom. Hikaru hesitated at the doorway, then turned off the light and closed the door. Chekov managed to fall asleep quickly after that.

Chekov woke up a few hours later and lay in the darkness, listening. The apartment was silent. Hikaru must either be asleep or out… Either way…

Chekov shifted and sat up in bed, turning on the light on the nightstand. Then he broke Dr. McCoy’s only rule, unwrapping the bandage on his arm. The newly regenerated skin was so soft, still tender when he touched it. It was almost beautiful… and yet, the pristine condition angered Chekov. He was so broken… it was like this new skin was an insult.

“Dis time… I vill not fail…” he whispered to himself as he pulled the shard of glass from his pocket. He laid it against his wrist, admiring the effect as the light from the nightstand played on the glass and reflected onto the new skin. He was so absorbed that he failed to notice the bedroom door open.

“What the…!”

And Hikaru was flying across the room, faster than Chekov had ever seen him move before. One hand grabbed for the wrist holding the glass, trying to pull it backwards. The other hand darted between the glass shard and Chekov’s exposed wrist.

An angry hiss escaped Chekov’s lips and he tried to slip the glass around Hikaru’s fingers, but Hikaru was not playing around. He grabbed the glass directly and squeezed it… hard. Scarlet droplets oozed from Sulu’s palm and fingers, bright against the transparent glass.

Seeing the blood that was not his… Chekov froze. He was paralyzed, staring mutely at Hikaru’s injured hand. When Hikaru tried to pull the glass from Chekov’s fingers, the teen didn’t resist. He just sat in stunned silence as Hikaru quietly walked away.

When he returned, his hand was bandaged and Chekov couldn’t decide whether to stare at it or turn away from the sight. He felt sick. Hikaru perched on the edge of the bed, not saying anything. Chekov couldn’t speak either.

Finally Hikaru grabbed Chekov’s hand, placing Chekov’s fingertips against his palm and fingers. “Pavel… do you feel these scars?” he asked, his voice so soft that Chekov barely heard it even though they were so close and the apartment was so quiet…

He nodded. There were a few raised scars on Hikaru’s hands, and he could vaguely remember feeling them on his body that one night… at the time, it had not mattered; and if he’d thought about them at all, he’d assumed they were calluses rather than scars. “Vat happened?” he asked finally.

Hikaru’s eyes were haunted, slightly glazed over. He wasn’t really seeing Chekov… he was seeing something from the past.

“When I was thirteen… my sister Rina tried to kill herself by swallowing pills. She was fifteen.” Hikaru swallowed. “I found her in the bathroom… I called the police, and we got her to a hospital in time. I… I thought she’d be okay after that, but… a month later… I found her in the bathroom trying to cut her wrist with a knife from the kitchen.”

Chekov’s eyes widened. He felt suddenly ill.

“I… I tried to grab the knife from her… We struggled… we fought, really. The whole time… she was screaming that she was going to kill me if I kept trying to stop her.”

Hikaru paused, blinking back tears. Chekov gulped. The enormity of what he’d done was finally sinking in… 

Hikaru cleared his throat, finally able to continue. “My oldest sister Miko heard the struggle and she called the police. Rina… she didn’t speak to me at all for about eight months.”

He stopped speaking again, licking his lips and swallowing hard. Chekov blinked, tears pricking his eyes. Hikaru finally looked him straight in the eye.

“I would have willingly died to save my sister from anyone, even herself… I’m not afraid to get hurt to protect people I care about. I hope you remember that later.” He stood up. “Hate me all you want, Pavel, but you’ll never be able to make me regret saving you.”

He started to walk out of the bedroom. Chekov finally found his voice.

“’Karu?”

Hikaru froze. Then he slowly turned around to face the teen.

Chekov licked his dry lips. He didn’t quite know how to ask what he wanted to ask. All he knew was that he didn’t want to be alone anymore, and he didn’t want Hikaru to be alone anymore either.

“Vill… vill you stay… here… vit me?” he stammered, his voice so soft, it was scarcely more than a whisper. At first he wasn’t sure if Hikaru had heard him as the Asian stood there. Finally he turned back around to face the bed.

“Yeah, okay,” he agreed softly. And he crossed the room and settled into the bed next to Chekov, close enough to touch but not actually touching.   
Hesitantly, Chekov reached out to rest his fingertips on Hikaru’s palm, right over some of his scars. Hikaru hesitated a moment, then reached out to run his fingers through Chekov’s curls. Chekov made a soft noise of appreciation and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost at once.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu was dreaming.

He was thirteen again, and he couldn’t find Rina… And the bathroom door was closed and she wouldn’t answer his persistent knocks…

And he finally picked the lock on the door and there she was, attacking her wrists with that knife, blood spattering on the walls…

And he screamed for her to stop, and she screamed back that she couldn’t handle IT anymore and she was going to kill herself now and end IT…

And he grabbed the blade of the knife, barely feeling it as the knife cut down to the bone…

And she stared at him, so angry and horrified, like he was the devil himself… and she attacked him with the knife, trying to stab him so he would stop trying to help her…

And she pinned him down on the floor, her blood running down her wrists and dripping onto his arms and face, and her expression was downright deranged as she straddled his chest and held the knife up over his prone body…

And Sulu finally woke up, barely swallowing back the scream that tried to tear itself from his throat. His hands were clenching the sheets in a death grip and he was gasping for breath. Slowly he sat up, running a hand through his hair.

“Fuck…” he groaned. He’d had that nightmare last night too… Tears stung his eyes and he wondered if he should call Rina… or maybe Miko… just to reassure himself that things were fine…

“Hikaru?”

Sulu nearly jumped out of his skin. That was why he’d swallowed his scream, he remembered suddenly. “Jeezus, Pavel! I… didn’t know you were awake…” he decided at last, one hand moving to cover his racing heart. For a moment, he couldn’t remember why it was bandaged…

“Are you okay?” Pavel asked softly.

Sulu couldn’t look at him. “Yeah. I’m fine. Just… bad dream… I… I’ll be right back,” he muttered, sliding out of bed and walking out to the main room of the apartment.

After splashing some water from the kitchen sink on his face, Sulu checked to see if he had any messages on his PADD, then collapsed onto the couch. Realizing it was much too late to call either of his sisters, he thought about sending them messages, but then decided against it. They would only be worried, and he didn’t need to upset them with his nightmares. But he was rattled…

A noise next to him made him jump, and he turned to see Pavel standing in the doorway of the bedroom, clutching the doorframe to stay upright.

“Pavel, what are you doing? You shouldn’t be up yet,” he exclaimed.

“You are upset,” Pavel said. He looked unbearably guilty. “It’s my fault, isn’t it?”

“It…” Sulu began, then looked down. “It’s not…”

“You do not haff to lie to me… I am not a child…”

“It’s not really… I mean… It’s just…” Sulu shook his head. “It’s not your fault that I’m thinking of the past.”

“Da, it is,” Pavel argued. “I reminded you of your sister.”

“You didn’t know,” Sulu said with a shrug. And then he managed a weak smile. “Besides, I’m two for two… I saved her too, you know.”

Pavel wrinkled his nose, not appreciating the joke.

“Sorry, that was tasteless,” Sulu muttered, glancing in the direction of his bookshelf rather than look at Pavel anymore.

Neither one spoke. Pavel looked so pale and exhausted standing there.

“Go back to bed,” Sulu said at last, in as kind a voice as he could manage. “I’m fine, honest.”

Pavel just shook his head. “I vill stay up.”

Seeing no alternative, Sulu stood up and walked back into the bedroom with Pavel. Now that he was no longer riding that emotional roller coaster or adrenaline rush, the intimacy of the situation was unsettling to Sulu and he was perhaps a tad more tense as he lay down. Pavel seemed to feel no such reservations though. He wasn’t quite cuddling, but his head rested against Sulu’s shoulder, and Sulu would have been lying if he said it wasn’t comforting in a weird sort of way…

In the morning, Sulu was up early as usual. He didn’t have an exam that day, so he settled himself down at his desk to study, the bedroom door open in case Pavel needed anything. Dr. McCoy came by later in the morning to check up on the boys. The first thing he saw was Sulu’s bandaged hand.

“The hell happened to you?” the gruff doctor demanded.

“Nothing serious,” Sulu said casually as they walked towards the bedroom where Pavel was reading something on his PADD. “Pavel dropped a glass in the bathroom and it startled me and I cut myself on accident. No big deal.”

“You want me to look at it?” McCoy asked, giving Sulu a look that strongly implied that he would have no choice in the matter.

“Um, sure, I guess…” Sulu stammered.

Pavel glanced at both of them, hazel eyes only slightly puzzled… he had the good sense not to react to Sulu’s lie.

“Mind tellin’ me what the hell you took your bandages off for?” McCoy demanded when he saw Pavel’s bare wrist.

“Dey vere itching,” Pavel said, his hazel eyes now huge and brimming with innocence.

“Hmm…” the doctor muttered, pulling out his tricorder and running it over the boy. “Well, you seem to be recovering much faster than I thought you would… You should be on your feet real soon.”

Pavel managed a grin at that.

The doctor rounded on Sulu. “Bandage off. Now.”

With a long-suffering sigh, Sulu removed the bandage. Pavel made a soft noise when he saw the wound on Sulu’s hand in the more harsh light of day.

“That looks pretty deep. The hell did you cut this on?” McCoy muttered as he examined it. Without waiting for Sulu to answer, he frowned and looked at Sulu’s other hand. “Both your hands are pretty banged up… Ya want me to use the dermal regenerator?”

“No, thank you,” Sulu said stiffly.

The doctor looked puzzled. “You sure?”

“Yeah…” Sulu said quietly. Realizing that both Pavel and McCoy were staring at him, he added, “They’re… reminders. I… would prefer to leave them intact.”

“If you’re sure,” McCoy agreed quietly, giving the young man a hypo to prevent infections. “Keep it clean and let me know if it starts lookin’ funny.” Bidding the boys goodbye, the doctor left.

Sulu tugged irritably at the bandage. This was the worst part, waiting for the injury to heal… Then he noticed the distressed look on Pavel’s face.

“Vhy did you lie to de doctor?” Pavel whispered, hazel eyes now filled with all the guilt he must have been repressing earlier.

“Because I think you’ve got the message now…” Sulu said softly. 

Pavel looked uncertain for a moment, then he focused on Sulu with a determined expression. “Vat happened vit your sister?” he asked.

Sulu blinked. “Well… we… er…” He rubbed his eyes. “It’s… complicated. She’s doing well,” he hastened to assure the teenager, “she has a great job as a professor on the East Coast, and she has a girlfriend that Miko approves of. Mentally, she’s doing quite nicely.”

“But… vat about…?”

Sulu glanced down at the bandages on his hand. “She and I don’t talk much… We’re getting a little better I think, but…” He shook his head. Pavel looked like he was going to speak again, so Sulu rushed ahead. “Do you need anything? I really need to get back to studying…”

“Oh, right…” the teen realized. “Nyet, I am fine. You study.”

Sulu managed a grin and he went back to his books. Only a few more finals to go before graduation, and then they would be assigned to a ship… Surely there would be less drama in space.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, not fond of the ending… but I’m ready to move on. Must… get… back… to… Enterprise… That’s where all the epic romance is going to occur!


	10. Ship Assignments and Liftoff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is… hm… rather short. Consider it a transition chapter between the angst and the romance I’ve been promising. Also features Pavel being freaking adorable as he realizes that yeah, he totally still has feelings for Hikaru (happy sigh). So damn cute…
> 
> Ugh, so I just binge-watched the entire second season of Hannibal… Again. Now I have to wait until NEXT WINTER or maybe even SPRING to see the next season… ARGH!!! And then don't even get me started on how much I need new episodes of Sherlock... But I'm working my way through both Doctor Who and Supernatural. I'm on season 5 of Supernatural. I forget where I am in Doctor Who... somewhere with Tennant and Martha Jones, I can't remember because I keep going back and watching Nine's episodes because I love him so much... Eventually I'll actually get caught up. At least I have something to distract me from my sadly Hannibal-free life. Maybe these other shows will keep me from losing my mind and running into the streets screaming “EAT THE RUDE!!!” at the top of my lungs… Hehe, Fannibal joke.

Pavel Chekov was eagerly waiting to learn what ship he’d been assigned to. The brilliant seventeen-year-old had graduated with top marks (naturally!) and really, he ought to have his pick of ships… But there was only one ship he really wanted.

The Enterprise… yes, his short time there had been marred by tragedy, but he wanted desperately to return. He could not forget the feeling he’d had, navigating that ship with Hikaru by his side as pilot… It had felt so… so right.

Hikaru also wanted to return to the Enterprise, he was certain of that… though neither of them really talked about the future. Which was odd, since they spent so much time together… Somehow Chekov had never quite gotten around to moving back to his dorm room once McCoy had given him a clean bill of health. Hikaru hadn’t seemed to mind… the only awkwardness was centered on sleeping arrangements.

It was strange sleeping in the same bed with someone he was so desperately interested in, yet could not pursue… at least, not yet. Chekov had done some thinking while Hikaru had been taking his finals. And he had decided that he would not even consider whether or not he wanted to try to pursue Hikaru until he was eighteen, because it wasn’t fair to either of them if he made any attempts before then. So the obvious solution should have been that one of them slept on the couch, and that’s what they tried to do.

Except it never seemed to work out that way. Hikaru was still having nightmares… He’d woken up screaming more than once, whether it was about his sister Rina, or about falling off the drill, or other memories that Chekov wasn’t privy to… They were painful memories, obviously, but they seemed to occur less frequently if Chekov was curled up next to him.

And Chekov was getting benefits as well. He found that the dark thoughts that had been plaguing his brain since the defeat of Nero mostly went away when he was with Hikaru. Maybe part of that was guilt, but there was something about the other man…

The brilliant James Kirk would be captaining the Enterprise, it had already been announced. Chekov was thrilled, for the young man seemed exceptionally intelligent and quick-witted. He had already proved he was an excellent captain, and he would surely continue to excel.

Of course Dr. McCoy would be the medical officer on the Enterprise, even if he had to hypo every single admiral in all of Starfleet to make it happen. That was the Southern man’s most common gripe when he visited Hikaru and Chekov… Jim Kirk and how much the young man plagued him and made his life hell. At first, this had confused Chekov… but gradually he realized that the gruffness was a mask for a deep bond of friendship and affection.

Uhura was also trying to get onto the Enterprise. She’d received top marks in all her communications exams, and had probably mastered at least one new language during the last few months of school.

Supposedly there was some question over whether Mr. Spock would return to the Enterprise, considering the conflicts he’d had with Kirk already, but Chekov doubted there was much to worry about. Kirk had proved to be a capable captain, surely Spock had seen that.

Chekov was lounging on Hikaru’s couch while thinking these thoughts. Hikaru was sitting at his desk. He’d been chatting with his sister Miko, and Chekov couldn’t help but notice that the older man had very deliberately avoided both the fact that he had a new roommate and that he’d been having nightmares. Hell, he’d even taken pains to hide his bandaged hand from his sister’s prying eyes. Chekov had simply decided to stay quiet. It wasn’t his business what Hikaru said (or didn’t say) to his sister.

Hikaru had only just said goodbye to Miko when his PADD beeped. The pilot grabbed it eagerly. “Awesome! Finally got my ship assignment!”

“Really? Vich one?” Chekov asked.

“The Enterprise!” Hikaru exclaimed brightly. “I’m going to be the main pilot.”

“Congratulations,” Chekov said happily. The word had barely left his lips when his own PADD beeped at him.

Hikaru’s eyes lit up. “Open it! I bet that’s your assignment!”

Chekov gulped. He had a moment of wild panic during which he tried to imagine what life on a different starship from Hikaru would be like, and he didn’t like the prospect. But before he could panic too much, he took a deep breath and opened the message.

“Well?” Hikaru asked leaning forward slightly in anticipation. 

Chekov couldn’t think with Hikaru staring at him like that. His dark eyes were glittering with interest and his tongue darted out unconsciously to wet his lips, so fast that Chekov barely had time to notice… but the slight wet sheen left behind on the lips practically screamed to him…

Mentally he slapped himself. Now was NOT the time to get lost in fantasies. And finally he looked down at the PADD, then back up at Hikaru. “Enterprise…” he breathed, so softly that it was like a prayer.

Hikaru actually jumped to his feet. “You’re serious?” he exclaimed.

Chekov nodded. “Chief nawigator.” And he absolutely wasn’t anticipating the enthusiastic hug that followed, though he really should have.

“That’s awesome!” Hikaru exclaimed happily, ruffling his curls. Chekov swatted at Hikaru’s hands, but not as hard as he would have if it had been anyone else…

Yeah, he still had a crush… He had it bad. But there would be time to deal with that later. They were going to be on the same starship, and the tentative friendship they had so painstakingly cultivated would have room to flourish there… at least, that’s what Chekov hoped.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

For the life of him, Hikaru Sulu could not figure out why Pavel seemed to be blushing as he stared down at his PADD before announcing that he’d been assigned to the Enterprise. Had he really been so nervous about ship assignments? For crying out loud, the kid had shattered several Academy records… he had his pick of ships. Sulu was just relieved that he’d made it on board the illustrious ship.

The next few days were spent in a flurry of packing and getting ready to head into space for their first mission. Sulu had to spend several frustrating hours on the vid phone with Miko… she knew that he was going into space, had known for ages that he would… yet now that she was being confronted with the reality… she couldn’t seem to let her baby brother go.

Finally in desperation, Sulu agreed to meet her, Rina, and Fran for a day-long visit before he left. He thought briefly about inviting Pavel before deciding that would be too awkward.

The visit was pleasant, and Rina even hugged him tightly before he departed, whispering in his ear for him to be careful. And he promised he would be even as his fingertips touched her wrists lightly, so soft and free of scars… whoever had treated her back then had been skilled. And he tried hard to avoid letting her notice the scars that he still bore, knowing it was likely to trigger attacks of remorse and guilt, and he didn’t want to put Fran through that… she was a very sweet girl and she seemed good for Rina.

That done, Sulu went back to his apartment for the last night. Everything he owned was in storage already, and the place looked strange… Pavel was there though, having emptied his dorm room at last while Sulu was gone.

“How vere your sisters?” Pavel asked. He was sprawled on the bed, and Sulu knew he had no choice but to join him, the couch having also gone into storage…

“They’re fine, though I thought they were going to smother me…” Sulu said ruefully. “It’s too bad you didn’t get to see your parents or anyone…”

Pavel shrugged. “It vas not so bad… I haff been avay so long already… Dis is not much different.”

Sulu tried to imagine a world in which he was not close to his sisters and didn’t mind not seeing them for months or years… He couldn’t do it. Seeing a message on his PADD from his mother, he deleted it without even reading it before kicking off his shoes and collapsing onto the bed next to Pavel.

“You vant to vatch a film?” Pavel asked.

“Sure,” Sulu agreed, leaning over to stare over Pavel’s shoulder at the screen of his PADD, barely noticing how Pavel pillowed comfortably into his chest…

The next morning, bright and early, the pair headed to the Enterprise at last. Uhura waved to them as they took their seats on the bridge, and Kirk gave them both cheerful nods, though he seemed oddly anxious and kept glancing at the door… It was then that Sulu noticed that Commander Spock wasn’t on board… But there was no time to dwell on that.

“Engineering thrusters and impulse engines at your command, sir,” Sulu called to the youngest captain in Starfleet history.

“Veapons systems and chutes on standby,” Pavel put in.

“Dock control reports ready, Captain,” Uhura added.

“Bones, buckle up,” Kirk called teasingly to Dr. McCoy, who shot him an annoyed glare. The grumpy doctor seemed to be biting his tongue harder than usual. “Scotty…” Kirk called into the comm, “how we doin’?”

“Dilithium chambers at maximum, Captain,” the cheerful Scottish brogue called, then they could all hear him yelling “Get down!!!” in an annoyed tone at someone in Engineering.

Kirk tried (and failed horribly) to repress a smile. “Mr. Sulu, prepare to engage thrusters.”

It was during that very brief time period when Kirk’s eyes were NOT on the door that Spock entered the bridge. Seeing him, Sulu glanced at Pavel, who was wide-eyed and unable to stop staring as the half-Vulcan approached the captain he’d so recently battled and then reconciled with.

"Permission to come aboard, Captain,” Spock said softly, in his usual precise clipped tone.

Kirk almost jumped as he turned, and a welcoming smile appeared on his face as his blue eyes sparkled in a way none of them had ever seen before. “Permission granted.”

Spock remained as impassive as ever as he spoke. “As you have yet to select a first officer, respectfully, I would like to submit my candidacy. Should you desire, I can provide character references,” he added with just the slightest quirk of his eyebrows to show that he might be teasing the captain, something Sulu was pretty sure Vulcans weren’t supposed to do…

Kirk grinned, obviously also picking up on the humor. “It would be my honor, Commander,” he said, his smile surprisingly warm. Then he glanced at Sulu. “Maneuvering thrusters, Mr. Sulu.”

“Thrusters on standby,” Sulu called out, feeling his whole body tense up in anticipation of liftoff.

“Take us out,” Kirk commanded.

“Aye aye, Captain,” Sulu replied. And the ship was zooming through space, Earth fading away behind them… 

Sulu glanced over at Pavel. His navigator had an excited grin on his face as he stared down at his console, and Sulu was sure his own smile mirrored it. Their adventure was really beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I told you it was short. I thought about doing some other stuff, but then I decided against it… I’m the author, I can do these things. Mwahaha!
> 
> Oh, and in case you’ve forgotten my author’s note from chapter 1, if you think you start seeing some sexual chemistry between Kirk and Spock at any point… you’re not wrong. That’s there on purpose… because it’s a Star Trek fic. I’m pretty sure there’s a law somewhere that says all Star Trek fics need to have at least a tiny amount of Kirk/Spock no matter what the main pairing is. It’ll pop up randomly. Just roll with it.


	11. Hidden Jealousies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For reasons best not explained here, most of this chapter was written while listening to Carrie Underwood. Specifically I was listening to Two Black Cadillac’s, Blown Away, Cowboy Casanova, and Good Girl. I’m not sure why that inspired me. But it totally did. I have no explanation for this, but as long as the chapter is good, then we won’t complain about the means while enjoying the result, yes?
> 
> This chapter is entertaining, with all this weird jealousy, misunderstandings, hiding feelings, all kinds of fun stuff… Oh these poor boys… Someday I’ll stop tormenting them, but that day is not today.

Pavel Chekov was bored.

Oh, he didn’t REALLY mind waiting for Hikaru on movie night… Okay, maybe he minded a little… Sure, it kind of bothered him that Hikaru had the botany lab and his fencing to keep him busy while Chekov only had his running… but he really didn’t begrudge Hikaru his time on his hobbies.

Chekov took a deep breath, glancing over at his PADD. No, he reminded himself sternly, he was not going to give in and watch the video again. Instead he resolutely lifted up the book he’d been reading, ignoring the hateful device nearby.

All too soon, his fingers were drumming on the desk he was sitting at to read. He thought about going over to Hikaru’s room to wait, but he still wasn’t completely comfortable being alone in his best friend’s room, even if Hikaru had said a hundred times that Chekov was welcome whenever he wanted. He glanced at the PADD again and bit his lip.

It wasn’t often that his dark thoughts came back to invade his mind… The Enterprise was a rather busy ship and Chekov usually had something to occupy himself with. But in these idle moments, when Hikaru was busy elsewhere… Chekov ran his hands though his curls and decided it would be smarter to go to the botany lab rather than stay here alone.

Arriving at the science labs, he headed straight to Hikaru’s corner of the botany lab. He’d spent enough time there since they’d boarded the ship to get there blindfolded, so he was a little surprised to be intercepted by a petite redheaded girl.

“Pavel! Hi! What are you doing here? I didn’t know you were interested in science… Well, life science at least, I know you’re a genius when it comes to physics,” the girl babbled, one hand landing on his arm and creeping up towards his elbow.

Chekov stared at her hand for a moment in confusion as he tried to recall the girl’s name. Lisa? Louise? Lindsey? “Uhh…” he stammered.

She smiled at him, cute little dimples appearing on her face. She was way too eager, really… Chekov was uncomfortably reminded of Erica and the first time she’d propositioned him…

“Um, I am just looking for Hikaru,” he managed to say at last.

And that was a flicker of disappointment crossing her face. “Oh… I should have known,” she said sadly. Then she brightened up again. “You work alpha shift, don’t you? We should meet up for lunch sometime. I mean, that’s normally breakfast, one of the sucky parts of being on beta, you know, but still…”

“Err…”

“You should meet some of my friends here in the science labs,” she continued. “After all, us recent graduates really need to stick together, don’t you think?”

“Um… Eef you say so,” Chekov said, wishing she would remove her hand from his arm. It seemed rude to ask her to let go…

“Well, I should let you go and get back to my work,” the redhead (Lucy?) continued brightly. “Maybe I’ll see you for lunch sometime soon?”

“Maybe,” Chekov managed to say at last. And he finally pulled his arm away from her grip and stepped over to Hikaru’s lab bench.

The handsome Asian was gazing resolutely down at a plant and didn’t seem to be paying attention to anything else, so Chekov propped his elbows on the counter and waited for him to look up. When he did, Hikaru only gave him a quick half-smile before returning to his notes. Deciding to stay out of the way, Chekov retreated to a nearby stool and scrolled through his PADD quietly, occasionally glancing up to watch Hikaru work.

They’d been in space for over two months already, and they’d fallen into a very comfortable routine. Working together was nice, as was the dinner they often shared together. Many nights they would either go to the gym where Chekov would run and Hikaru would practice his fencing. They occasionally went to the common room to play videogames or play cards with their crewmates, and Hikaru often worked in the botany lab. But one night a week, they would retreat to Hikaru’s quarters to watch movies together, just the two of them. And it was absolutely NOT a date.

Although Chekov had not given up completely on his crush, he had forced all romantic thoughts to the back of his mind and simply enjoyed the company of the man he now considered his best friend. And Hikaru seemed to appreciate the company just as much. And if Chekov occasionally fell asleep during the movie only to be awoken by Hikaru and sent back to his own room, well neither of them mentioned it outside Hikaru’s quarters.

And sure, maybe they did touch a little more often than best friends probably should, but Hikaru didn’t seem to mind the occasional hand brushes, or when Chekov rested his head on Hikaru’s shoulder or chest (and was it his fault that the other man was so comfortable?). Chekov certainly had no reason to want this to change. They were comfortable with each other, that was all that really mattered. His eighteenth birthday wasn’t for nearly three months yet…

Chekov was snapped out of his reverie by a pair of fingers snapping only millimeters from his nose. “Huh?”

“Hey, there we go… What the heck, man? I’ve been calling you for at least a couple minutes,” Hikaru said with a grin on his face, though there was something a little forced about it, and Chekov couldn’t quite figure out what was up with that…

“Oh, sorry,” he said, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I vas just thinking….”

“Must’ve been some deep thoughts,” Hikaru said. “What brings you down here anyways? I told you I’d be done by 2030, and it’s only…” He paused to check the clock, “only 1957.”

“Oh…” Chekov muttered, scuffing one foot against the crisp lab floor. “I got bored,” he said, shrugging. 

Hikaru’s eyes darted down, and Chekov followed his gaze down to his own hands, and he realized that the ring finger of his right hand was unconsciously moving up and down the palm of his hand, exactly where he’d cut Hikaru… Stuffing his hand into the pocket of his jeans, he shook his head quickly.

“Anyvays, are ve still vatching a film tonight?” he asked quickly, trying to cover that little action.

Hikaru was still watching him with concerned eyes. “Um… yeah. Yeah, okay, let’s go,” he said, turning to leave the lab. Chekov followed on his heels, resolving to pay more attention to his hands and wondering how many times he’d performed those little movements when his thoughts became too dark…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu was definitely NOT jealous!

Nope, not even a little bit jealous of the way Leslie was hanging all over Pavel. After all, she had never bothered to hide her interest in Pavel, and he had no claims on Pavel; his best friend had every right to want to date someone who was only nineteen and really cute and he needed to stop thinking about it. Glaring almost sternly down at the plant in front of him, as though it was the reason for his rising frustrations, Sulu hammered down on the screen of his PADD with more force than necessary to make his notes.

Pavel finally broke away from Leslie and walked right over to Sulu, propping his elbows on the lab bench, waiting for Sulu to acknowledge him. Sulu forced a quick smile before returning to the hapless plant and PADD screen. After a few minutes, Pavel seemed to give up, retreating to his usual stool and settling in.

Sulu ignored the boy for as long as he could stand to, which was a surprisingly long time. Finally he concluded that he needed to get over this jealousy thing… There was no reason to believe that Pavel was interested in him anyways, and the kid was still underage… this was just asking for trouble. So he looked up and found Pavel staring off into space, hazel eyes glazed over in thought. Sulu lost himself in watching the boy for a few minutes.

Yeah, Pavel looked really good… so relaxed in the jeans and t-shirt he’d decided to wear during his off-duty hours, with those endearing curls tumbling every which way and those quick little hazel eyes that seemed to see everything except for how deep Sulu’s feelings ran…

Shaking himself away from that train of thought, Sulu called Pavel’s name. No response. Sulu blinked, then tried again. Still nothing.

This wasn’t really unusual, the boy could get lost in thought pretty easily… Sulu liked to tease him that his train was easily derailed, and Pavel always chuckled, though Sulu wasn’t completely certain that Pavel understood the joke. Sulu waited a minute, then called him again. Still Pavel remained lost in thought. With a sigh, Sulu laid his PADD on the counter and stepped in front of the boy, knowing exactly what to do to break the trance… He snapped his fingers, and watched Pavel blink and return to reality.

Not quite able to shake the jealousy he was still battling, he bit off a quip about how long it had taken him to get Pavel’s attention, embarrassing the teen. As they chatted, Sulu couldn’t help but notice the way Pavel’s ring finger was moving. Confused, he repeated the action on his own hand, tracing his newest scar… Oh… 

Suddenly aware of Sulu’s scrutiny, Pavel realized what he was doing and shoved his hand into his pocket, quickly asking if they were still watching a movie that night. Sulu agreed, knowing better than to try to call Pavel out on his strange behavior. And although he kept a close eye on the teen as they watched their movie, the teen seemed to be actually paying more attention to his hands now, keeping them resolutely still.

Halfway through the second movie, Pavel’s head dropped onto Sulu’s chest and he was soon asleep. Hesitantly, Sulu ran his hand through those soft curls, smiling as Pavel made a contented noise in his sleep. As much as he objected to that action when he was awake, he sure did seem to enjoy it when he was asleep, or very tired. Sulu rested his hand in those silky curls and wondered if Pavel was really doing as well as he appeared to be…

The next day, they took their lunch break at the same time as usual. But as they walked into the mess hall, Sulu noticed Leslie and a few of her friends from the science lab, looking like they’d just dragged themselves out of bed. Leslie had spotted Pavel and was waving eagerly. Sulu swallowed his jealousy firmly and pointed her out to Pavel.

“Oh…” Pavel said softly. “She did say she vanted me to meet her friends…” He glanced uncertainly at Sulu.

“Go eat with them then,” Sulu said with a shrug. “You might make some new friends, eh?”

“Are you sure?” Pavel asked. “You vill not haff anyone to eat vit you.”

“No worries, I really need to read a paper on that plant I’m studying… some revolutionary stuff…” Sulu said vaguely. He gave Pavel another gentle nudge. “Go on, I’ll see you back on the bridge.”

After one more uncertain glance, Pavel finally walked over to Leslie’s table and was welcomed by all. After all, he worked on the bridge, it was like a magical land for the little science geeks, Sulu thought affectionately. He settled himself at an empty table and opened up the paper he’d mentioned, though he wasn’t really reading.

“Hey Hikaru, you okay?”

Sulu glanced up. “Hey Nyota,” he said, a bit of surprise creeping into his voice. “I’m fine, how about you?”

“Oh, no complaints,” she said with a bit of sarcasm, leading Sulu to wonder what was really going on with her. But before he could ask, she jumped ahead of him. “Did you and your boyfriend have a fight or something?”

“Huh?” Sulu asked intelligently, even as his brain went into panic mode.

“Pavel’s not eating with you. Did you two have a fight?” the pretty communications officer repeated gently.

Sulu shook his head. “No, we didn’t have a fight. I told him to eat with them, expand his social circle and all that. And he’s not my boyfriend.”

“If you say so,” she said, sounding way too amused.

Stomping down his rising irritation, he asked, “Where’s YOUR boyfriend?”

Her face clouded. “You really don’t pay attention the ship gossip, do you?” she asked.

“Uhhh…?”

“Spock and I broke up a couple weeks ago,” she said with a shrug. “It just wasn’t working… Plus I think he has his eye on someone else, but that’s not really any of my business.”

“Sorry to hear that,” Sulu said automatically. “Wait, does ship gossip say I’m dating Pavel?”

Nyota paused to consider that. “Not directly,” she said at last. “I mean, it’s not like anyone has ever seen you guys kiss or even hug or anything… And he’s underage…” She lifted an eyebrow as she said that.

“Yeah, I’m aware,” Sulu said dryly. “We’re just friends anyways.”

“So the fact that you can barely keep your eyes off of him, and that you’re wound up tighter than any coil I’ve ever seen now that’s he eating with other people, that all means nothing?” she asked.

“Pretty much,” Sulu said, taking a quick drink from his glass of juice to cover any emotion that might flicker over his face.

She still looked skeptical, but she let the matter drop and they had a very pleasant chat about ship matters. As they finished their meal, he offered to clear her tray, and when he returned, he politely took her elbow to help her to her feet, all perfectly gentlemanly. And she smiled that sweet smile and thanked him for the pleasant lunch. And as they started leaving the cafeteria together, Sulu saw Pavel watching the two of them and his expression was… oddly hostile. Leslie had her hand on his arm as she talked to him, but suddenly Pavel shook her off, said something that made her look completely confused, and then the teen was walking as quickly as he could towards Sulu and Nyota. Sulu glanced at the young woman next to him and could have sworn she was trying to repress a grin.

“Nyota, what…” he began.

“Hikaru, Nyota, wait up!” Pavel called, only a few paces away now. He caught up with them, and his hand unconsciously brushed against Sulu’s.

“Hey Pavel, have fun with the other geeks?” Sulu couldn’t resist teasing.

Pavel sniffed. “As if you vere not just as bad…” he muttered. “Dey vere nice I suppose,” he added as he fell into step next to Sulu. Nyota kept pace on his other side, still looking… smug? Was that right? Why would she look smug?

Sulu still hadn’t figured it out by the time they reached the bridge. But he shrugged it off and took his seat next to Pavel at their consoles. Pavel was fidgeting more than usual, and his right ring finger was twitching the most, darting up and down his palm.

“Pavel? Is… Is everything okay?” Sulu asked cautiously.

Pavel blinked, forcing his right hand to sit still on the console. “Da, I am fine,” he said softly.

Sulu let the matter drop… This wasn’t a conversation to have on the bridge, after all. But he silently resolved to go talk to Dr. McCoy later… The doctor was a fountain of good advice and even better whiskey. Perfect combination. Decision made, Sulu got to work, hoping that the rest of the shift would pass quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Chekov is still having a hard time dealing with… things. I figured it’s not realistic for him to suddenly be like “oh, yeah, I tried to kill myself twice but that’s all fine now”, but I don’t have any plans for more suicide attempts or cutting or anything… Not to say that it absolutely won’t happen, because who can say where my muse will take me, but I’m not planning on it.


	12. Acting On Impsule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I… have got to stop writing chapters really late at night. I do that… a lot. I’ll be like “I’m really tired and I should go to bed” and then my muse will be like “no, forget that, sit your ass down and hammer out a chapter” and I’ll be like “I can’t even see straight, it’s fucking 3am you stupid fucking muse!” and my muse will be like “bitch, unless you want to NEVER see me again, you will do as I command” and if I don’t listen, my muse abandons me for WEEKS or MONTHS and no one wants that, but then I end up with some insane incoherent mess that takes me like an entire day to edit into something coherent, but it usually works because at least I get everything into a document… editing is the easy part. And that was the longest sentence EVER and I suddenly feel really accomplished. Because I’m a complete dork. Why did I write this author’s note? For the same reason I write all of my author’s notes, which is… no reason whatsoever. Mwahahaha.

Pavel Chekov was silently fuming. His resolve to wait until he turned eighteen before pursuing Hikaru was shattering into a thousand pieces every time he saw Nyota sitting with Hikaru at lunch.

Chekov was suspicious that the one or two afternoons a week that he spent with the science lab staff was just an excuse for Hikaru to spend more time with the most attractive woman on the entire ship. Without fail, if Chekov sat with the people from the science labs, Nyota moved in to claim the seat across from Hikaru. And the sight made it hard for Chekov to see straight.

The voice of Leslie, the redheaded lab tech, was a faint buzz in his ear as he watched Hikaru and Nyota. They seemed to be talking casually, but it was hard to be sure. Hikaru could be hard to read when he wanted to be… And Nyota was an attractive single woman…

Chekov fumed silently. Really… what would be the harm of just letting Hikaru know that he was interested? In dropping a few hints that maybe after he turned eighteen… maybe something could happen…

“Pavel!”

His head jerked slightly and he realized that Leslie was glaring at him. “Huh?” he asked intelligently.

“You haven’t heard a word I’ve been saying!” she exclaimed indignantly.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Just… a lot on my mind…”

Her expression softened immediately. “Oh, of course… It must be so difficult for you, being the chief navigator and everything,” she almost purred, her fingers dancing across his sleeve. She never could stay mad at him, even when his attention wandered like it had today.

Chekov stared at her hand, then at Hikaru and Nyota… and the pieces clicked into place almost audibly.

He stood up abruptly. “Please excuse me, I haff only just remembered dat I need to speak vit Lieutenant Uhura,” he apologized. The other lab techs said their goodbyes and he could not get over to Hikaru’s table fast enough, dropping down into the seat next to Hikaru with a relieved sigh.

“Hey man, what’s up?” Hikaru asked with a gin and a light touch to Chekov’s arm. Nyota saw the touch and she smiled, and Chekov felt more puzzle pieces appear in his brain.

“Nothing,” he said with a shrug, “I vas getting bored listening to all the science talk…”

“You? Bored? Of science?” Hikaru asked, his eyebrows rising skeptically. “Not likely. What’s really going on?”

Chekov felt heat explode across his cheeks and he knew he was blushing. “Oh… it… it is nothing,” he stammered.

Nyota put a hand to her mouth to try to hide a grin. Hikaru just looked confused.

“It’s not nothing, something must have happened,” he argued, his expression gradually turning to concern.

“It is just…” Chekov hesitated, not sure how much he should say in front of Nyota. He was saved from having to figure that out when said woman realized that they really needed to get back to the bridge. She walked a few steps ahead of her, and although Chekov did take a moment to appreciate the way her hips swayed as she walked ahead of them, he focused on Hikaru quickly, and was gratified to see that the other man also took only a quick look before focusing on the teenager next to him.

“Talk after shift?” Hikaru asked. “If you want to, that is… I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It is fine,” Chekov said with a shrug. 

After their shift ended, they started walking towards the science labs, even though Chekov really didn’t want to go anywhere near there… But he really wanted to talk to Hikaru.

“So what’s up?” Hikaru asked him once they were alone, strolling through the corridors side by side as they often did.

“Vell… it is Leslie…” Chekov said with a sigh. “She… She is so pushy. I do not know how to tell her to go avay…”

Hikaru’s eyebrows went up. “You’re seriously not interested in her?”

It was Chekov’s turn to lift his eyebrows. “You are?”

Hikaru snorted. “As if. Not my type. But she is pretty cute and she’s obviously interested in YOU, so I guess I just assumed…” He trailed off and shook his head.

“Assumed vat?” Chekov pressed.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it,” Hikaru said.

Chekov moved quickly to get in front of Hikaru, stopping his progress. “I am not understanding… Vat did you assume about me and her?” he tried again.

Hikaru tried to sidestep him. “Look, it’s not important.”

Chekov blocked him. “Da, it is important.”

“Why?” Hikaru asked, trying to sidestep him again.

Chekov’s hand darted out, catching the other man’s sleeve just below his shoulder. “Vere you jealous?” he asked incredulously.

“Jealous? Why would I be jealous? It’s not like we’re dating or anything!” Hikaru protested, a bit of color seeping into his cheeks at that.

Chekov licked his lips. “Vould you like to be?”

Hikaru’s eyes widened and he took a step back. “Whoa, what? Where did that come from?”

Chekov shrugged. “Someting I haff been tinking about… I vas not going to say anyting until I vas eighteen…”

“Well, it’s kind of late for that, don’t you think?” Hikaru muttered, glancing at the wall over Chekov’s shoulder.

Images of their drunken one-night-stand sprang into Chekov’s head and he gulped. This was not the time to be having inappropriate fantasies. “Vell, I enjoyed it. But ve haff become such good friends… I did not vant to make it veird…”

“But…?” Hikaru questioned.

Chekov licked his lips again. “Seeing you vit Nyota…”

Hikaru tried (unsuccessfully) to cover his laugh with a cough. “Oh man, I knew she was up to something… Crafty woman…”

Chekov just shook his head. “So… vat do you tink? Do ve… Do I haff a chance?”

Hikaru ran his fingers over his forehead, brushing his hair back. “Jeeze, Pavel… I… I haven’t even thought… You’re still a minor, remember? I… I know it’s coming up, but… Jeeze, I wasn’t planning… I didn’t think… I had no idea…” He looked so lost at that moment.

Chekov just grinned. “Dat is okay. I vas not expecting an answer. But…” And he took a step closer to Hikaru, who took a step back. “I just vant you to be avare…” He took another step, and Hikaru took a step backwards, his back hitting the wall of the corridor, preventing further retreat. “…dat I vill be eighteen wery soon…” One of his hands landed on the wall just above Hikaru’s shoulder, and the other next to the Asian man’s waist. “And den dere vill be no more running from me… I vill vant an answer, okay?”

Hikaru was just a hair taller than him, so they looked into each other’s eyes easily. Hikaru’s eyes were wider than he’d ever seen them before, the dark pupils blown up with surprise… and perhaps desire, Chekov dared to allow himself to hope. Their noses nearly touched, breathing in each other’s exhales, the tension so thick between them…

And Chekov could not stop himself from closing the distance and kissing those slightly parted lips so close to his own.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu’s brain had shut down completely. At first he had simply been stunned and confused by the obvious desire that sprang up in Pavel’s hazel eyes. Then the aggression… shit, he’d never dared to fantasize that the adorably innocent teenager could even BE that dominating. Something in those sparkling eyes had made Hikaru retreat, and when he’d felt the cool metal wall at his back… Pavel had seen it, and he’s responded to Sulu’s inability to move with astonishing speed.

If he had wanted to, Sulu could certainly have pushed Pavel to the side and fled down the corridor to the science labs… Pavel was so slender and delicate, it would have been simple… But then there would have been the hurt in those hazel eyes to deal with, and Sulu really didn’t want to have to do damage control later… and maybe there was a small part of him that was REALLY turned on by this whole situation.

And then Pavel’s arms were on either side of him, blocking his retreat. Yeah, make that a large part of him was turned on as Pavel stood so close, their noses nearly touching as Pavel admonished him that someday he’d have to stop running away.

Sulu heard all that through a haze. He was mesmerized… Those soft curls, fluttering as he breathed… Those hazel eyes, so intent on him… Those lips… soft-looking, slightly pouty, just begging to be kissed… NO! No, no, no! He squashed that thought frantically as they stared at each other. But it was like Pavel had read his mind… and he twisted his head, and he closed the distance between their lips.

It was a charged kiss, sending shivers down Sulu’s spine, and jolts of electricity down to his fingers and toes. He couldn’t even move as Pavel’s lips worked lightly against his. All he could think about was that night on the dance floor… when this incredibly sexy young man had approached him and kissed him with no warning and Sulu had known at that very second that he was taking that amazing kisser home and getting him into bed if it freaking killed him…

This was the first kiss they’d shared since that night, so perhaps Sulu could be forgiven for the sudden and severe brain damage that he’d apparently undergone in the last few minutes…

Pavel nipped lightly at his lower lip, and Sulu’s lips parted further with a faint whine. Pavel’s tongue darted out, running across Sulu’s lower lip, practically pleading for more access. Still too shell-shocked to really respond, Sulu let his lips part further. Pavel’s tongue invaded his mouth, gently probing and prodding, trying to provoke a response…

And that tongue began to withdraw, and his teeth nipped at Sulu’s lip again, finally jolting him from his shocked state and he finally moved, meeting Pavel’s lips with his own, and Pavel was starting to press his body against Sulu’s, and where the hell was this going…?

“Ahem.”

Sulu’s eyes flew open. Pavel’s did as well, and it was a downright miracle that their tongues were in their own mouths or someone’s tongue probably would have been bitten. Both turned their heads toward the sound of the cough, and there stood Commander Spock.

‘Oh hell,’ Sulu thought desperately. This… this was not going to be good.

Instantly Pavel’s arms were back at his sides and Sulu was off the wall and they were side-by-side and facing the ship’s First Officer, who was definitely not impressed by what he’d stumbled upon. Not that Spock was impressed by much, but the way his eyebrows had drawn together… Oh this was really bad.

“I will not insult anyone’s intelligence by asking what is going on here,” Spock said dryly. “Lieutenant Sulu, you will accompany me to the Captain’s quarters.”

“Yes sir,” Sulu said promptly, spine straightening.

“Perhaps I should…” Pavel began.

“Ensign Chekov, you are dismissed,” Spock said coolly. “I suggest you continue to your original destination.”

Pavel gulped and started backing away from the intimidating half-Vulcan. Then he turned and soon rounded a curve and was out of sight, leaving Sulu alone to face his superior officer’s wrath.

Commander Spock turned and started towards the lift, and Sulu knew better than to be left behind. He followed obediently, wondering just how much trouble he was going to be in… Probably a boatload… Oh, this seriously sucked…

In an impossibly short amount of time, they found themselves at the door to Captain Kirk’s quarters. Spock buzzed for entrance.

“Yes? Who is it?” the Captain’s long-suffering voice asked resignedly.

“Captain?”

“Oh! Spock! Come on in!”

Sulu lifted an eyebrow at that, but he was NOT commenting. The door swished open to admit them.

Jim Kirk was sprawled on his bed, his head hanging off the foot of the bed, nearly touching the floor. His hands were pressed to cover his eyes, and they slowly slid up to force his hair into an even more mussed-up pattern than usual. Finally he opened his startlingly blue eyes and smiled, though the smile faded a little when he saw Sulu in tow, and a look of confusion appeared.

“Hey Sulu!” he said cheerfully, finally contorting his body into a sitting position. “What’s up?”

“Captain,” Spock practically snapped, his tone even more clipped than usual. “I have brought Lieutenant Sulu here for disciplinary action. It would be more appropriate if you would conduct yourself in a manner befitting a starship captain.”

Kirk blinked. “Disciplinary action?” he repeated bemusedly. A half-grin slid onto his face. “Sulu, you rebel, what have you been getting up to?” he teased.

“This is not a laughing matter, Captain,” Spock snapped. “I have just discovered Lieutenant Sulu in a compromising position with Ensign Chekov. This is far more serious than the simple starship pranks you are used to dealing with.”

Kirk actually looked stunned. “You caught Sulu and Chekov…” He paused, then made a vague hand gesture. 

Sulu gritted his teeth. “He did not catch us doing… THAT,” he practically spat. “He caught us kissing, that’s all.”

Kirk visibly relaxed. “Oh, kissing… What’s a little saliva exchange between friends, eh?”

Spock’s expression seemed to darken, though Sulu could not pinpoint what made him look more foreboding since his expression hadn’t really changed. “Captain, may I remind you that Ensign Chekov is still underage, and that any sexual conduct between him and anyone over the age of majority is…”

“Yeah, I know, but… Kissing, Spock? I mean… come on,” Kirk protested weakly. “I’m not inclined to throw my pilot in the brig for a little kissing.”

“The type of kisses being exchanged were those of a rather intimate nature, and typically is only found in conjunction with a rather more intimate relationship,” Spock said carefully.

Sulu crossed his arms. “There’s nothing like that going on between us, sir.”

Kirk’s eyes darted between Sulu and Spock. He looked a little lost. Finally he managed a weak grin. “Wow, Sulu, I never took you for a cradle-robber… I figured that cute redhead that’s always trying to hang off his arm would be the one to debauch our innocent navigator…” He trailed off at the look on Spock’s face.

“Captain, the sexual molestation of a minor is not a laughing matter and I find your lack of concern very disturbing.”

Kirk gulped. “Of course I’m taking it seriously, Spock, but I…”

Sulu sighed. The captain was going to cave, it was perfectly obvious. “Captain, I will again insist that there is nothing sexual or even romantic about my friendship with Ensign Chekov… But since you have the word of a superior officer that there was misconduct on my part, I will accept whatever punishment you give me.”

Kirk looked surprised. “But… Sulu… these are pretty serious accusations… And they’d go on your permanent record…”

The words ‘permanent record’ made Sulu’s stomach lurch unpleasantly, but he stood his ground. “I understand that, Captain.”

Kirk sighed, massaging his temples with his fingers. “Well… this is unpleasant… But I guess I have no choice, I…”

The intercom at the door was buzzing frantically, over and over again in short staccato bursts. All three of them stared at the door with varying degrees of surprise and confusion on their faces.

“What the hell…?” Kirk mused. “Computer, open the door.”

And Sulu really wished he could be surprised that Pavel was the person who walked in the door… but he wasn’t. Not really. But he wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Well… Um… Yeah… That was my first ever attempt at a really detailed kissing scene. I hope I did a good job. I will eventually try it again, but… this was a good start I think, since they kinda have to be interrupted… I’m so mean! But it gave me a little practice, and hopefully I’ll do better next time.
> 
> Oh, and slightly-aggressive Chekov is… kind of… really hot… Yeah… It’s really sexy, damnit… Aggressive Chekov and shocked Sulu… I really enjoyed that. It’s really not right how much fun I’m having writing this fic.


	13. The Consequences of a Kiss

Pavel Chekov knew he must look at least a little ridiculous. Slightly breathless and flushed from his mad dash to his captain’s quarters, he was focused on one thing only… helping Hikaru.

“Keptin, vait, please!” he panted as he stumbled into the room. 

The pure astonishment on Kirk’s face would have been pricelessly funny at any other time. Spock’s eyebrows lifted perhaps a fraction of an inch at the ensign’s appearance. Hikaru looked a little surprised, but not nearly as surprised as Chekov thought he would be. He was just a little gratified to realize that Hikaru must know, deep down, that Chekov wasn’t going to just abandon him.

“Ensign Chekov…” Kirk began, then he shook his head. A grin was tugging at the corner of his mouth. “You must have something awfully important to tell me, huh?”

Chekov took a deep breath, hoping his heart would stop racing. “You cannot punish Hikaru,” he managed to gasp.

Spock was surprised enough that his eyebrows rose a noticeable amount. “Ensign Chekov, it is not your place to decide what sort of punishment Lieutenant Sulu receives, even granting that you were the victim of…”

Chekov was already shaking his head. “Nyet, dis is not true. Keptin, you cannot punish him because…” He took another deep breath, “I am de one dat kissed him, not de other vay around.”

Kirk was definitely losing his battle with the grin that kept breaking out. “Is that a fact?” he asked, just barely keeping the laughter from his voice.

“Da, it is,” Chekov said, standing a bit straighter. “Ve vere talking and I told him I vas jealous of the vay he has been talking vit Lieutenant Uhura, and he said dat ve vere not dating, and I told him dat I vanted to be, and I stopped him from valking avay by grabbing him and I kissed him, so you cannot punish him because it vas my fault.” He said all that in a rush, mostly telling the truth, simplifying the story just a little…

Kirk could not stop himself from laughing now. “Oh my god, that is the funniest thing ever!” he exclaimed, nearly doubling over in peals of laughter. “Chekov, I never took you for the aggressive type! I always figured that you’d be the one captured and forced into a lip-lock, not the other way around!”

Hikaru seemed rather nonplussed by his captain’s reaction, as did Spock. Hikaru shot a quick glance at Chekov, who managed a half-smile. Spock just stared at Kirk. 

“Captain, regardless of whether or not this statement is truthful, it does not excuse the actions of Lieutenant Sulu… Even if the kiss was initiated by Ensign Chekov,” and from the tone of voice, it was clear that Spock did not believe that this was the case, “the lieutenant was certainly reciprocating by the time I approached.”

Hikaru’s eyes half-closed at that. Chekov wanted to grin, remembering the elation that had raced through his body when Hikaru had finally (finally!) responded… He’d been so nervous, thinking he was being rejected… but Hikaru HAD responded to him… If they weren’t in front of Spock and Kirk, he’d be dancing for joy, or perhaps trying to coax another kiss from the handsome Asian…

“Yeah, but…” Kirk trailed off. Then his eyes lit up. “But is what Chekov is saying true? Was he…” Kirk’s grin widened. “Was he actually pinning Sulu to the wall?”

Spock blinked. “My vantage point did not offer adequate sightlines to determine if there was… pinning, as you put it… but the lieutenant certainly had his back against a wall, and Ensign Chekov appeared to be… preventing his departure,” he said at last.

Kirk nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said, plainly coming to a decision. “Listen, Chekov, the law is pretty damn clear… even though you were most likely the instigator, the law doesn’t actually make such distinctions. By all rights, I should be tossing Sulu in the brig and having him court martialed.”

Chekov gulped, glancing helplessly at Hikaru. He had never meant for this to happen, never thought about the consequences of his actions. Hikaru’s lips were pressed into a thin line, but he was ramrod-straight, ready to accept whatever punishment Kirk dished out. Chekov’s gaze darted back to Kirk, silently pleading with him.

“However…” Kirk began, and Spock’s nostrils flared about a millimeter as he realized that Kirk was about to let Sulu off the hook. “The law isn’t always correct… But you two need to be aware of how serious this is. That means absolutely no more of this. If ANYONE catches you kissing or whatever, anything that looks romantic in nature, I WILL take action.”

“Captain, I must object,” Spock began.

“We will discuss this later, Commander,” Kirk said, pulling rank on Spock for the first time that Chekov had ever seen. He belied the seriousness by adding, “Perhaps over a game of chess later?”

Spock thought for a moment, then inclined his head. “That would be acceptable.”

Hikaru shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “So… things are cool now?” he said slowly, just a bit of hope making its way into his voice.

Kirk nodded. “Yeah, we’re good. But no more make-out sessions until Pavel’s eighteen, got it? That goes for both of you!” he added, sending a mock-stern glare in both of their directions.

Spock cleared his throat. “With all due respect, Captain, do you really believe it wise to allow Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov to interact in an unsupervised setting?”

A muscle worked visibly in Hikaru’s jaw. “Are you seriously suggesting that as soon as we’re out of your sight, we’re gonna go off and…” He trailed off, making a vague gesture. “Christ, he’s seventeen! I’m not a fucking idiot!”

He was losing his temper… Chekov knew he should step in… But he couldn’t think of anything to say, and he was afraid to open his mouth without knowing exactly what was going to come out…

“No one said you were an idiot…” Kirk began.

“The likelihood that the pair of you are engaged in an inappropriate relationship, given the empirical evidence, is 93.785 percent,” Spock said flatly.

“What kind of empirical evidence?” Hikaru growled, and Chekov could swear he heard teeth grinding.

“Given your evident closeness, your lack of additional companionship during off-duty hours, the… obvious display of affection we have recently discussed, in addition to Lieutenant Sulu’s family history…”

“You shut the fuck up right now,” Hikaru snarled. Everyone in Kirk’s quarters was taken aback by the pure venom in his voice.

“Whoa, Sulu, what…” Kirk began.

“Lieutenant Sulu, your behavior…” Spock also started to speak.

“How dare you…!!!” Hikaru practically growled, never taking his eyes off the half-Vulcan first officer. “You actually think…!” He couldn’t seem to form complete sentences. Finally he turned and pushed past Chekov, out of the captain’s quarters, and out of sight.

“What the fuck just happened?” Kirk asked.

Chekov didn’t wait to see if Spock would answer. He ran out into the corridor. “Hikaru, vait!” he shouted.

But his best friend was gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu barely made it back to the bathroom adjoining his quarters and Pavel’s before emptying his stomach of its contents. His whole body heaved and shuddered, as though the horrible implication behind Spock’s words could be purged along with everything he’d eaten that day.

‘Calm down, calm down,’ he told himself. ‘You’re nothing like him, nothing like either of them…’ A few more dry heaves racked his body. “Fucking hell,” he groaned out loud.

His whole body seemed to crumple there next to the toilet as he took several deep breaths. But finally it occurred to him that Pavel would probably be back soon… And he wasn’t ready to face his friend just yet…

He stood up slowly, but his body shivered and shook, and he could barely stay upright. Going to the gym or the botany lab would be right out. Sulu rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth, not looking at his reflection in the mirror, too frightened of what he might see staring back at him…

Then it hit him… And he stepped out of his quarters, relived not to meet any Russian teenagers as he moved through the quiet corridors. Soon he found himself standing at the entrance of the medical bay.

“Hikaru? What are you doing here?” a voice called as he entered. He glanced up to see Christine Chapel. They’d had a few classes together at the Academy, though he wouldn’t go so far as to say they were friends.

“Hey Christine… I… I was hoping to talk to Dr. McCoy if he has a few minutes. It’s not serious though, so if he’s busy, I can come back or… or something…”

She gave him a searching look. “Why don’t you wait in his office?” she said at last. “I think he could spare a few minutes for you as soon as he’s done with his current patient.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be a bother…”

“Go wait in his office,” she repeated more firmly, and Sulu found himself obediently turning and walking into the CMO office a few paces away. Christine followed him, making sure he sat down in the chair opposite McCoy’s desk. “He’ll be here in a few minutes,” she said, shutting the door with a firm click.

Sulu would have chuckled if he didn’t feel so rotten. She was the most no-nonsense woman he’d ever met, and he guessed that served her well in the medical bay.

Closing his eyes, he pressed his palms to his forehead, noting that it was still a bit clammy and damp with sweat. No wonder Christine had looked at him the way she had… he realized he must look like absolute shit.

The soft clunk of a glass bottle hitting a wooden surface made him sit upright. Dr. McCoy was sitting down in his chair, a bottle of whiskey and two glasses sitting on the desk between them. Without preamble, the doctor said, “I talked to Jim a little while ago… Heard ya got into some trouble earlier.”

Sulu couldn’t stop himself from scuffing his toes against the floor. He tried to mutter a response, but everything he thought of just made him sound like a guilty schoolboy.

McCoy poured whiskey into each glass, nudging one towards Sulu, who picked it up. “So what part do ya want to talk about?” he asked.

“I… I don’t know…” Sulu groaned, his head resting on one hand, the other still clenched around the untouched glass of whiskey.

McCoy took a long drink from his tumbler. “Jim says Chekov chased ya down in the hallway.”

“Yeah…” Sulu said, his mind dashing back to that wild possessive look in Pavel’s eyes… “I… I didn’t even realize… that he felt that way.”

“You didn’t?” McCoy asked, looking surprised.

“Well… no… How could I have?”

McCoy took a sip of whiskey. “Well… ya did save his life, ya know. And then ya spent so much time tryin’ ta help him recover… You two are real close, any fool can see that.”

“Yeah, but…” Sulu trailed off. “I dunno, it was never something we talked about.”

“Damn bad luck that that hobgoblin showed up when he did, huh?” McCoy said, lifting an eyebrow.

Sulu just shook his head. “I don’t even know.”

“Look, Spock may have a bug up his ass about what he saw, but I don’t think you’d be that dumb, especially when the kid’s turning eighteen in just a couple more months,” McCoy said bluntly.

Sulu finally lifted his head long enough to drink half the glass of whiskey in one gulp, relishing the burn to his throat and stomach, still so raw from being sick… “There are some things you don’t know.”

“If this is about your parents…” McCoy hesitated.

Sulu’s head snapped up and he finally looked the doctor in the eye. “Most people don’t know about that. How do you…?”

McCoy shrugged. “I was in San Francisco for a medical conference during the trial. It was big news in the city, ya know…”

“Yeah… I know…” Sulu muttered. “Believe me, I know.”

McCoy’s expression softened. “I know it must’ve been hard for you. I remember spending a lot of time reading about the trial and thinking of my little girl, and just… just wondering how anyone could ever… ever do those things… to their own kids…”

Sulu closed his eyes for a minute. Then he opened them again. “I… don’t want to be like him.”

“You. Are. Nothing. Like. Him.” McCoy enunciated each word clearly and precisely, somehow losing every trace of his Southern drawl.

Sulu blinked. “But… Doc… you don’t understand… I…”

“I understand plenty,” McCoy said firmly. “I know it ain’t that easy, but I’ll say it anyways… Put it outta your mind right now.”

Sulu took another sip of whiskey so he wouldn’t have to say anything in response. McCoy was right. It wasn’t that easy. But he could try.

“Now go find that troublemaking brat that wants to be your boyfriend and talk this out like grown-ass adults, okay?” McCoy said.

“Yeah… yeah, okay. Thanks Doc,” Sulu said, draining the tumbler. He wasn’t sure how much he’d have the courage to say, but he couldn’t hide out in medical any longer. So he would go back to his quarters, try to process the events of the day, and he would talk to Pavel if that’s what Pavel wanted.


	14. Unforeseen Complications

Pavel Chekov was pacing around his quarters. Hikaru hadn’t been in his room… Chekov had gone over to check. And now he was desperately pacing and waiting for his friend to return.

“I knew dis vas a bad idea,” he muttered under his breath. “Dis is vhy I promised myself I vould vait until after my birthday…”

And now Hikaru was in trouble with Spock, who would definitely be keeping a close eye on both of them after today’s little incident… He was trying hard to be relieved that Kirk hadn’t seen fit to punish Hikaru for Chekov’s rare lapse in judgment. He had those lapses with alarming regularity around Hikaru though…

Halting his pacing, he tilted his head towards Hikaru’s quarters. He was almost certain he’d heard the whisper of a door opening and soft footsteps crossing the room. Chekov chewed on his lip. Part of him wanted to dash right over there and apologize… But part of him wondered if Hikaru was mad enough to throw him right out of his quarters. And he was scared to find out.

But finally he could stand it no longer, and he crept over to their shared bathroom. He hesitated at the door to Hikaru’s quarters, staring at the door as though it might bite him, wondering if he should knock or go right in. ‘Damnit, now everything is going to be awkward between us,’ he thought bitterly. ‘If only I’d kept my mouth shut, and kept my hands to myself…’

Hearing footsteps in Hikaru’s quarters, Chekov backpedalled as fast as he could, standing at the sink and pretending that he hadn’t just been staring intently at his best friend’s door.

The door swished open, and Chekov turned his head to finally get a good look at Hikaru. He looked like he might have a headache, and Chekov’s stomach twisted uncomfortably.

“Hey,” he said, feeling a little shy, and not knowing what to say. Asking if Hikaru was okay seemed just silly… and apologizing seemed necessary, yet not a good idea at the same time.

“Hey,” Hikaru said, just the barest edge of caution in his voice.

“I’m really sorry,” Chekov blurted out before he could think about it any longer. “I vas being stupid and not tinking about vat vould happen is someone saw us…”

“It’s okay, really,” Hikaru said, trying to stem the words pouring from Chekov’s mouth.

“It is not okay!” Chekov yelped, feeling hot tears sting his eyes. “You could haff been court-martialed and thrown in jail and it vould haff been all my fault!”

“Pavel!” Hikaru exclaimed, bringing Chekov up short. “It’s fine. Honest. Nothing bad happened, so let’s just…let’s just move on, okay?”

“But shouldn’t ve…”

“Talk about it? Yeah, probably, but I really really don’t want to do that tonight, okay?”

Chekov licked his lips. He really wanted to talk, but Hikaru was obviously not ready, so he nodded.

Hikaru exhaled, a look of relief appearing briefly on his handsome features. “Okay. Great. You… uh… wanna come over and watch a vid?”

“Sure,” Chekov agreed, relieved that he wasn’t being exiled for his impulsive behavior.

Hikaru grinned and turned back into his quarters. Chekov followed him. Hikaru sprawled onto his bed, hands interlocked behind his head and a sigh of contentment escaping his lips. Chekov perched cross-legged next to him and selected a cheesy sci-fi movie. As it was queuing up, Hikaru tilted his head in Chekov’s direction.

“Is that the only thing you regret, that you almost got me in trouble?”

“Vell… one more ting…” Chekov said, staring at those soft lips and wanting to taste them again. “I vish I had vaited until ve vere back here…”

Hikaru’s dark eyes met Chekov’s hazel ones and they stared at each other for a moment, tension thrumming in the air between them. Chekov shifted slightly, wondering if he dared lean in for another kiss. And then there was a knock at the door.

Hikaru blinked, his expression caught between relief and exasperation at the interruption. “Enter,” he called as Chekov casually shifted to a more appropriate position. And he was immediately relieved that he’d done so because in walked none other than Commander Spock.

Hikaru’s eyes rolled up to stare at the ceiling. “Commander, to what do we owe the pleasure of your company?”

“Since the captain refuses to take the threat of an illegal relationship between the pair of you seriously, I have taken it upon myself to observe your behavior and prevent opportunities for intimate encounters.” 

“Wow, subtle,” Hikaru muttered. He gestured towards the vid being projected on the wall across from the bed. “As you can see, we’re engaged in the terribly nefarious activity of watching a cheesy movie.”

“And you are watching the movie from the same bed.”

“We’re both fully-clothed, on top of the blankets, with a good six inches of space between us,” Hikaru snapped.

Spock’s eyebrows moved just a bit. Chekov coughed nervously. 

Hikaru got to his feet. “If you’ll both excuse me for a minute,” he said icily, stepping out into the hallway.

Chekov glanced down at the comforter he was sitting on, his fingers idly tracing random patterns across the cloth. Spock was still standing stiffly at attention, his eyes fixed on the door Hikaru had just departed from. The silence was awkward between the pair of them, but Chekov wasn’t inclined to break it, and Spock seemed in no rush either.

A few minutes later, Hikaru walked back in, trailed by none other than Kirk.

“Keptin!” Chekov yelped, completely thrown by his appearance. “Vhy are you here?”

“Sulu called me,” Kirk said with his usual easy grin, jerking his thumb in Hikaru’s direction. “He was making an argument that this kind of behavior is harassment, but I think an equally fine argument could be made that this is a great bonding experience for all of us.”

Hikaru blanched, and Chekov bit the inside of his lip to stop himself from smiling. Spock just stared at their captain.

“Captain, I do not think…” Spock began, but Kirk crossed the room and threw himself down on the couch, propping his feet on the end of the bed. He patted the seat next to him and gave Spock a pointed look. Spock made a noise that might have been a sigh of frustration, but he seated himself primly on the couch.

Hikaru glanced at Chekov, who just shrugged. Hikaru then returned to his former position sprawled on the bed, while Chekov remained perched cross-legged next to him. It was awkward sitting there with their two superior officers mere feet away, but Chekov was still pleased that Hikaru was even talking to him, and he grinned at Hikaru, who managed to smile back.

The movie was every bit as cheesy as advertised, and Kirk seemed to enjoy it, laughing uproariously at the terrible special effects and over-exaggerated acting. Gradually Hikaru also seemed to relax, though the little frown line between his eyebrows seemed to deepen every time Spock’s black eyes landed on him. Chekov made himself more comfortable on Hikaru’s bed, propping his head up on one hand, and making sure to keep space between himself and Hikaru at all times. Gradually his eyelids began to droop, and he found himself nodding off, feeling content and comfortable with his crewmates.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu was NOT HAPPY. First Spock had to be a meddling prick, then Kirk decided to make this some kind of weird double-date or something… But he couldn’t let himself be too angry because if there was company, then Pavel wasn’t going to be able to talk with him or ask any questions about the events of the evening. And Sulu needed more time to think. Really, he shouldn’t have even invited Pavel over, but seeing those huge hazel eyes, practically brimming with panic and desperation… He couldn’t reject that for fear that Pavel would read more deeply into it than he should.

He wasn’t really paying attention to the movie, only laughing when he heard Kirk’s uproarious howls, and Pavel’s soft chuckles. But he did start paying attention when a warm weight dipped down, resting partly on his shoulder and partly on his chest, pinning his arm to the mattress.

Sulu glanced down. Pavel had been sitting cross-legged on the bed several inches away, yet somehow had decided to use Sulu as a pillow even in his sleep. This was actually a pretty normal occurrence, and usually Sulu wouldn’t even have thought twice about it, but he could feel Spock’s eyes on him.

Kirk somehow picked up on the awkward tension, and he looked confused. “How did he move there? I swear just a minute ago, he was sleeping two feet away from you.”

Sulu managed a one-shouldered shrug. “I have no idea.” He uttered a muffled curse as he tried to move his pinned arm and realized that it was asleep and not moving anytime soon. “Damnit, Pavel…”

In his sleep, Pavel shifted a little, letting Sulu slip his arm free. He stretched it out, flexing his fingers and getting the blood flowing back into the limb. He pretended not to be looking at the couch, and therefore pretended not to see Kirk kick Spock’s leg and glare at him. Sulu didn’t know what he’d done to get Kirk on his side, but it was a relief to see. Still… there was no sense tempting fate. He laid his arm out flat on the bed, trying to keep it from falling asleep again.

But as the movie began to draw to a close, he found his arm moving to its normal position when Pavel fell asleep on him… draped loosely around his shoulders, in something that wasn’t quite an embrace, just a light touch that he liked to think reassured the teen that he wasn’t alone. His fingers threaded themselves in Pavel’s curls for a minute before resting on his shoulder again.

Kirk was watching with interest. “Damn, how come you get to do that? Does he really feel as much like a puppy as he looks?”

Sulu rolled his eyes. “He’s not a puppy, Captain.”

“Come on, Sulu, we’re off duty. If you won’t call me Jim, at least call me Kirk.”

Sulu shrugged. “Okay, Kirk. He’s still not a puppy though.”

Kirk grinned. Then he glanced over at Spock, whose eyes had finally closed and whose body had finally taken on some degree of relaxation. Kirk suddenly had a wicked grin on his face and he moved his hand and brushed the fringe of Spock’s hair with his thumb. The hairs fluttered for a moment, then fell right back into place, as though magnetically drawn there. He repeated the action while Sulu watched with growing horror.

“Captain, I must request that you cease your actions,” Spock said, though his posture didn’t change.

“Nope,” Kirk said, and emphasizing his point by brushing those bangs again.

“Captain Kirk…”

Kirk ignored him.

Spock’s eyes snapped open. “Jim. Please. Stop.” He sounded so ferociously angry that Sulu nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Good, you’re awake!” Kirk said cheerfully, not seeming bothered by Spock’s tone of voice. “We do have to be on the bridge bright and early, and Sulu may be a gracious host, but I don’t think he wants us to sleep here.” He stood up and winked at Sulu. “This was fun. Maybe next time, I’ll host.”

“Uh… yeah…” Sulu said, feeling a little confused.

Spock didn’t have to voice his objection to the plan, the direction his eyes were looking made it plain enough. 

Sulu tightened his grip on Pavel’s shoulder and he gave the teen a gentle shake. Long dark eyelashes fluttered and sleepy hazel eyes were finally visible. “Hmm?” he mumbled.

“Wake up, Pavel,” Sulu said. “Spock’s being a good watchdog, and he doesn’t want you to stay in here where I could prey on your vulnerable sleeping body.” And he didn’t sound annoyed AT ALL.

Pavel managed a chuckle before he had to stifle a yawn. “Gotcha. Okay, see you on the bridge in the morning, Hikaru. Goodnight Meester Spock, Keptin.” And with that, he exited the room through the shared bathroom.

Spock nodded curtly to Sulu and stepped out. Kirk waved goodbye. And Sulu was by himself once again.

For a while he just lay on the bed, his fingers interlaced behind his head. But eventually he fell asleep, thinking that things might yet be okay.

Two days later, Sulu returned from the gym. Pavel had joined him there, and they’d enjoyed some sparring and racing. As they approached their quarters, Sulu’s PADD beeped. It was a message from his sister Miko, asking him if he was free to chat.

“Noting is de matter, I hope,” Pavel said, peeking over Sulu’s shoulder to read. At one time, Sulu would have swatted him away and told him to mind his own business, but lately they seemed to be sharing even more…

“Oh, I doubt there’s anything wrong. She probably just wants to chat. I haven’t comm’d home in a while,” Sulu said, feeling just a little guilty about that. 

“Vell den you better talk to her. You should not let her vorry about you,” Pavel said with a disarmingly sweet smile. He waved as he stepped into his room, and Sulu waved back before heading straight to his desk and comm’ing Miko.

His sister had obviously been home from work for quite a while. Her long dark hair was loose and she looked young and sweet, just like ten years ago when she was eighteen… Sulu couldn’t stop himself from smiling when he saw her. “Hey Miko. Long time no see.”

“Yeah, and it’s all your fault, you know,” she said, sticking her tongue out at him.

Sulu laughed. “Fine, I deserved that. And I’m sorry.”

She relaxed and smiled sweetly at her younger brother. “Don’t be, really. It must mean you’re keeping busy and having fun on the ship. Too much fun to think of your poor earthbound sisters…”

“You just won’t let it go…” Sulu sighed. “I’ll make sure to bring you back something nice.”

“Make it multiple somethings. You know you’ll be gone for at least a year. You’re missing Christmas, my birthday, Easter…”

“You just can’t let up on the guilt trip, can you?”

“Never. I’m a lawyer and you’re my baby brother. It’s in the contract.”

“I never signed any contract.”

“You signed with an X the day you were born.”

“I should get a lawyer and contest this.”

“No lawyer, and you get to go against me.”

“Well now, how’s that fair?”

“It’s fair to me,” Miko smirked.

Sulu chuckled. “So how’s Rina?”

“She’s fine. I think she misses you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah… I’m glad we all got to see each other before you left.”

“The mission will be over before you know it.”

“I hope so.”

They talked inconsequentially for several minutes when Sulu heard the swish of the bathroom door opening. He turned towards the door.

“Hey Pavel, what’s up?”

Pavel was only half-dressed, Sulu couldn’t help but notice. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants, but he had no shirt… the only thing covering his torso was a towel draped around his shoulders and stopping his hair from dripping on the floor. The teen brushed a damp curl away from his face.

“I am sorry to interrupt… but haff you seen my Academy sveatshirt… de dark blue one? It is not in my room, and I tink I vas vearing it here one night.”

“Yeah, it’s over here,” Sulu said, jumping up and opening the second drawer of his dresser, retrieving the neatly-folded shirt from the top of the pile. “Here you go.”

“Ah, tank you… Vat is da saying… good ting my head is attached?”

“Close enough,” Sulu said with a grin. Pavel turned and walked back out, and Sulu turned back to his sister, but he was taken aback by the venomous look on her face. “Uhh… Miko…”

Her hands were clenched on the edge of the desk and her lips were pressed in a thin line. “Goddamnit, Hikaru…” she whispered, and her voice was shaking.

“Miko, what? What’s wrong?” Sulu asked, feeling suddenly sick.

“Hikaru, how could you?” she nearly screamed. “How old is he? Sixteen?”

“What? No! Wait… No! Miko! Jeezus, no, I’m not sleeping with him!” he exclaimed.

“You really think I’ll believe that!” she exclaimed, an edge of hysteria in her voice. “You’re all flushed and sweaty, and he just came out of the shower… And you have his clothes in your room, and he was shirtless!” Her voice was rising as she spoke and Sulu tried to find room to diffuse the situation.

“Miko, please… just… breathe, okay? Please, it’s not what you’re thinking.”

“You wouldn’t tell me if it was true!” she screamed. “God, Hikaru, what are you doing? What’s wrong with you? You… just… How could you? Do you have even half a clue what Rina is going to do when she finds out?”

“Miko, it’s not like that!”

“I don’t believe you!”

“But we aren’t…”

“I don’t want to hear it! Fucking hell, you’re turning out just like HIM!”

Sulu thought his heart might have stopped. “Miko…”

She pressed one hand to her mouth, tears pouring from her eyes. “Goddamnit, Hikaru…” she sobbed. “How could you do this to us?”

“But…”

She just looked at him, tears making her makeup run, her eyes so full of hurt and betrayal. “I… I can’t… Goodbye, Hikaru.” And the screen went black as she cut the transmission.

“Damnit…” Sulu whispered. He tried to comm her, but she refused to pick up, and she had disabled her voicemail, so he couldn’t even leave her a message. “Fucking hell…” Sulu groaned, resting his head on the edge of the desk. Could his life get any worse?

He actually didn’t want to know the answer to that question.


	15. Necessary Deception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I passed the 100-page mark with this chapter!!! (squeals and does a dance) That’s a pretty awesome milestone, it always makes me happy when my fanfic page count reaches triple digits!
> 
> Also, RIP Anton Yelchin. I cried for days when I heard the news. And I'm currently working on a little Chulu piece that will hopefully be posted sometime soon. Because I need to deal with my sadness somehow.

Pavel Chekov knew there was something VERY wrong with his best friend.

It hadn’t even been a month since Spock had caught them kissing in the hallway near the science labs, but the change in Hikaru was staggering. Chekov found himself uncomfortably reminded of that night they’d sat together in their shared bathroom, directly after defeating Nero. Even then, Hikaru hadn’t looked this bad.

He wasn’t eating, Chekov was sure of it. He didn’t eat during lunch, just got a small plate of food and stirred it around without actually taking more than a couple bites. Sometimes he didn’t even go to get dinner after their shift, but when he did, it was the same routine. He spent hours at the gym or in the botany lab, barely spending any time in his room. And he wasn’t sleeping, Chekov was sure of that too. What other explanation could there be for those dark shadows under his eyes, or the redness that threaded through them?

There were other little clues too. Although he was still perfectly professional on the bridge, there was a distance there that Chekov couldn’t explain. Whenever Chekov suggested hanging out, Hikaru would pull that same devastating smile and agree, but he didn’t seem to really be there. He no longer even argued when Spock would show up unannounced to check on them. Some fire seemed to have gone from him.

The worst part though was that every time Chekov tried to ask Hikaru about what was bothering him, Hikaru would just paste on a fake smile and assure him that nothing was wrong. It was more than a little aggravating since any idiot should have been able to tell that there was something wrong. Chekov was definitely not an idiot, and Hikaru knew that…

Hikaru had made an excuse and skipped out on dinner, so Chekov had eaten with several people from the science labs. Leslie had been all over him again, wondering why he was so quiet, but he had managed to put her off. Now he was walking back to his quarters, wondering if he should comm Hikaru and try (again!) to talk to him when he heard two familiar voices.

“…should really try takin’ these. Even Jim’s finally noticed, he was down in my office earlier askin’ if I was treatin’ you yet.”

“I already told you, I don’t like taking sleep aids.” And Chekov would have known THAT voice anywhere…

“Hikaru, this is not healthy. Somethin’ has got to change real quick.” Dr. McCoy was getting more and more agitated as he spoke.

“I told you, I’m taking care of it,” Hikaru said firmly. “Everything’s gonna be fine. Look, Doc, I gotta run, okay? Good talk.” And Chekov could hear quick footsteps heading away.

Dr. McCoy wasn’t pleased with that answer, muttering something about “damn fool kids” under his breath as Chekov approached cautiously.

“Dr. McCoy?” he said softly.

McCoy turned towards him. “Oh, hey Pavel. What can I do for ya?”

“Um…” Chekov said, not looking the doctor in the eye, “I vas vondering… if you knew… anyting about vat is wrong vit Hikaru?”

McCoy’s nostrils flared. “You mean he hasn’t said anything to you about it?”

Chekov shook his head.

McCoy looked ready to breathe fire. “Damnit… I don’t know what to do with that boy…” he fumed. He finally looked at Chekov. “Listen, ya know I can’t break patient confidentiality, but I don’t think I need to tell you he’s in bad shape.”

“Da, I had figured dis out,” Chekov said with a sigh.

McCoy seemed to hesitate. “Has he ever talked to you about… about his family?”

Chekov shook his head. “Not really… I know he has two older sisters, and dey are wery close… And he does not speak vit his parents, but I do not know vhy.”

McCoy swore under his breath, muttering something about talking that Chekov didn’t catch. The teen waited patiently for the doctor to stop ranting.

“Alright, I’ve had just about enough of this,” McCoy snarled. “Come on, kid, we’re gonna go talk to your friend.”

Chekov wasn’t going to argue with that. He hurried to keep up with the doctor as they moved along the corridors of the Enterprise towards Hikaru’s room. McCoy hammered urgently on the comm button with an intensity that had Chekov alarmed, but as he started to edge away from the agitated doctor, McCoy’s hand darted out to grab him.

“Oh no you don’t, you stay right here!”

Chekov gulped. “Okay.”

The door opened with a soft ‘swish’ and Hikaru was standing there. He looked even more haggard and exhausted under the harsh light of the corridor. “Hey Doc, hey Pavel. What can I do for you?” he asked, sounding only slightly surprised by the visitors.

“Can we come in and talk?” McCoy asked.

“Uh… I guess, sure,” Hikaru agreed.

As Chekov walked in, he saw that Hikaru had been trying to comm someone from his desk, but Hikaru closed it quickly before Chekov could see who Hikaru had been attempting to reach. Hikaru sat down sideways in the desk chair, one elbow propped on the desk and the other on the back of his chair. McCoy leaned against the wall, his arms crossed and a prominent scowl gracing his face. Chekov stood awkwardly near the bathroom door, unsure what his role in the impending drama was going to be.

“What’s up?” Hikaru asked both of them, his eyes darting from one to the other, and Chekov’s heart broke a little at how bloodshot his eyes had become.

“Hikaru, this has gotten ridiculous,” McCoy said sternly. “You cannot let this destroy you.”

“I told you, it’s gonna be fine,” Hikaru argued.

“And the fact that you can’t seem to make yourself eat or sleep shows that you’re fine how exactly?”

“Look, I’m just a little stressed,” Hikaru said, rubbing irritably at his eyes. “It’s nothing to freak out about.”

“Your puppy came to talk to me about you,” McCoy said, jerking his head towards Chekov. “He’s worried about you.”

Chekov made an indignant noise at being called a puppy, which made the corner of Hikaru’s mouth twitch.

“Yeah, what’d you tell him?” Hikaru asked.

“I told him that you two needed to talk. You SAID that you would talk,” McCoy added sternly.

Chekov looked from one to the other. “Talk about vat?” he asked.

Hikaru sighed. “Damnit, Doc, I am not ready to do this…”

“Yeah, and when ARE you going to be ready? You just waitin’ for him to find out from someone else, is that it?”

Hikaru looked horrified at the thought. “But… I thought…”

“I know. Spock knows. If Spock knows, you can be damn sure Jim knows. Don’t know how he manages to charm whatever he wants from that green-blooded…” McCoy made a huffing noise. “That’s not important right now though.”

Hikaru didn’t say anything, he just rested his head in his hands.

The door to the hallway flew open without warning. Chekov jumped a mile. Hikaru’s head jerked up in surprise and confusion. McCoy looked stunned, then furious.

“Damnit, Spock! A bit of warning next time, maybe?” he shouted.

The half-Vulcan First Officer regarded the trio with his impassive black eyes. “Fascinating…” he murmured. “This is quite an eclectic gathering.”

“No, it’s really not,” Hikaru said icily. “You’re just surprised that Dr. McCoy is in here. You expected Pavel to be here though, didn’t you? That’s why you never knock or buzz. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. Just because I’m having some minor sleep issues doesn’t mean I’m totally oblivious to my surroundings.”

McCoy rounded more fully on Spock. “You’ve been popping in here unannounced? What happened to a reasonable expectation of privacy?”

“Lieutenant Sulu gave that up when he made the decision to engage in an illicit relationship with Ensign Chekov.”

Hikaru brought his head down to rest on his desk. “Christ… when did my life become so fucked up?” he muttered.

Chekov stared at Hikaru as McCoy continued to berate Spock about privacy and the concept of the door buzzer and why his actions were draconian. And then Chekov made a decision. He waited until McCoy paused for breath before speaking up.

“Excuse me, Meester Spock… You vill not be needing to do dese random checks anymore.”

Spock finally glanced away from his glaring match with McCoy. “And why is that, Ensign?”

Chekov took a deep breath, hoping that he was making the right decision. “Obwiously my presence is only making life more difficult for Hikaru… So I tink it vould be best for him if I stayed avay.”

Hikaru’s head snapped up from its resting position on the desk. “What?” he gasped.

“I haff other friends on this ship… I do not need to make life harder for him,” Chekov said, still addressing Spock. “So I vill not be in his quarters alone vit him anymore, and you can stop dropping in unannounced like dis and maybe he can haff some peace.”

Having said that, Chekov turned on his heel and exited Hikaru’s quarters through their joint bathroom, but he wasn’t fast enough to miss seeing the look of utter devastation on Hikaru’s face. And the door couldn’t close fast enough for him to avoid hearing McCoy shout, “Now look what you’ve done, you damn green-blooded hobgoblin!” But Chekov didn’t let himself turn around as he entered his own quarters, threw himself down onto his bed, and tried his best not to cry.

(A/N: How much would you guys have hated me if I ended the chapter right there? Soooo much, right? Luckily for you (and for my own health), this is not yet the end! Hooray! Read on!)

Chekov lay on his bed for over an hour, just trying to put his racing thoughts in order. Try as he might, he couldn’t shake the look on Hikaru’s face from his mind’s eye… He’d looked so shocked… and hurt… and alone… Chekov shivered involuntarily. It reminded him a little too much of the face that had stared back at him from the mirror of the bathroom at the Academy when he’d been cutting himself… He shook his head to banish those thoughts. 

“Hikaru vould not really do someting so foolish…” he said out loud to reassure himself. “After all da tings he said to me… about his sister… Nyet. He vould not do it…” His voice sounded confident to his own ears, and he did feel a little better, though he still struggled to resist the urge to go check on his best friend.

He was startled from his thoughts by a knock at the door. At first he thought it would Hikaru, but then he realized that the knock had come from the door to the hallway, and Hikaru would have come through their shared bathroom. Pushing himself to his feet, he went to see who his visitor was.

Dr. McCoy was standing there. “Hey,” he greeted the teen brusquely, “you should go over and see Hikaru. Like right now.”

“Okay,” Chekov agreed.

McCoy blinked. “That’s it? No arguin’?”

“Vould you like me to argue vit you?”

McCoy shook his head. “No, of course not… I’m just not used to someone actually takin’ my advice without askin’ a bunch of idiotic questions. I could get used to this, actually,” he admitted with a wry grin.

Chekov tried to grin back, but found he couldn’t. “He’s my best friend. If you say I should go be vit him, I vill go.”

McCoy sighed, tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling. “He’s lucky to have you. Don’t know if he really gets that yet, but he’ll get there. Give him time.” He turned and started walking down the hallway. “Oh, by the way, I dragged the hobgoblin off to talk to Jim… I don’t think he’ll be botherin’ you guys for a little while… Jimmy really wasn’t happy when I told him what was goin’ on.”

Chekov blinked. He knew that the captain and doctor were very close friends, but McCoy really must have gone to bat for Hikaru and himself to get this kind of reaction. “Tank you,” he said, finding his voice at last.

McCoy shot a grin over his shoulder at the teen. “And you can pay me back by talkin' to him. By the way, I gave him a pretty strong sedative, so he might be a little loopy. I didn’t want to give it to him, but…” The doctor shrugged. “I just don’t think he oughta be alone.”

Chekov understood, so he nodded and went back to his room. Deciding that his sweatpants and t-shirt were perfectly acceptable to wear when visiting his best friend (and crush), he walked over and knocked on the bathroom door.

There was no answer.

Chekov frowned at the door, then decided to just go ahead and go in. After all, McCoy had told him to do so… and he had mentioned a sedative. So Chekov entered.

Hikaru was lying in his usual spot on the bed, his fingers intertwined underneath his head as he stared up at the ceiling with glassy eyes. Chekov couldn’t stop the little hitch of breath as he drank in the sight of Sulu’s lean muscular chest outlined so perfectly by that clingy t-shirt. His best friend was really too sexy to be allowed… Chekov hesitated there for a minute.

Hikaru blinked, tilting his head towards Chekov. “Hey…” he said softly, sounding more tired than Chekov had ever heard him.

“Hey,” Chekov returned, inching into the room.

“Didn’t really expect to see you again tonight,” Hikaru said.

Chekov looked down at the floor. “Because of vat I said? Hikaru, I did not mean any of it… Vell, I did mean dat I do not vant to make life difficult for you…”

Hikaru uttered a short bark of laughter.

“But most of vat I said vas just to get rid of Meester Spock… You haff enough going on vitout him nosing around…”

Hikaru glanced at him. “What do you know about what I have going on?”

“Noting really,” Chekov said with a shrug. “But you… Vell… You look like crap,” he said bluntly. “I haff been vorried about you.”

Something almost sad passed over Hikaru’s face. “I’m sorry. I owe you an explanation.”

“Do not vorry about it tonight,” Chekov said quickly. “You can tell me tomorrow. I trust you.”

“I don’t know why,” Hikaru said with a sigh.

“I don’t know, maybe because you haff saved my life?”

“You saved mine.”

Chekov sighed. “Dat vas different.” 

“Not really,” Hikaru argued.

“But… you haff been there for me many times… Ven I really needed you… And I feel like I am noting but trouble to you,” Chekov tried to explain.

Hikaru sighed. “I would love to keep this discussion going… but whatever the doc gave me…”

“Nyet, I understand,” Chekov said quickly. “I just vanted you to know dat… dat you are still my best friend. Goodnight.” And he turned and started to leave.

“Pavel?”

Chekov turned back. “Da, Hikaru?”

Hikaru looked a little uncertain, which Chekov found unbearably endearing. “Um… do you want to stay for a bit?” he asked at last.

“Sure,” Chekov agreed, moving towards the bed now and settling on what was starting to become ‘his’ side from all the times they’d watched vids together. He settled himself on his side facing Hikaru as the other man pulled up the blankets and made himself comfortable. Finally he settled, lying on his side facing Chekov.

Hesitantly, Chekov reached out, brushing the silky black hairs off of Hikaru’s forehead. A contented sigh escaped his best friend’s lips and those dark eyes fluttered closed. Since Hikaru wasn’t objecting, Chekov continued his gentle petting until Hikaru’s breathing became soft and even.

Now Chekov hesitated. Should he stay? Or should he leave? He wasn’t sure what Hikaru wanted. Finally he rolled onto his other side, facing away from Hikaru, reaching one arm out towards the edge of the bed to pull himself out.

And then a warm arm reached out and encircled his waist. Chekov froze as Hikaru drew him closer. And he had to work to suppress a shiver as Hikaru’s nose nuzzled into the joint where his neck met his shoulder. Hikaru made another contented noise in his sleep as he nestled into Chekov’s neck.

Chekov couldn’t stop himself from smiling. ‘Guess that answers that question,’ he thought as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was a full chapter of just Chekov’s point of view that I seriously didn’t intend to do, but it’s done. So it’s only fair that Sulu gets his own chapter too. Mwahaha! Also, they’re cuddling! All together now: Awwwww! (grins) That was fun…


	16. Secrets Can Make You Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The promised Sulu chapter!
> 
> It seems really REALLY wrong to be writing this chapter while listening to Soca music… that stuff is way too upbeat for this topic. But I like this playlist and I don’t want to change it… It’s weird though… For anyone wondering, Soca is a type of music that’s apparently really popular in like the Caribbean and South America… It’s really upbeat dance music, a combination of calypso and cadence, lots of rhythm and drums and really cool accents and I just started getting into it and I love it and it helps me write, but it’s hard to write angst while listening to it… Especially when listening to anything by Kevin Lyttle because his voice is so freaking amazing, it kind of hypnotizes me and I don’t even know what to do about it. Seriously, go listen to his song Turn Me On and tell me that’s not freaking amazing, I dare you! Oh well, I can pull angst out of anything, I’m sure I’ll be fine.
> 
> Oh, obligatory warning required since I’m sure my warning from chapter one is a distant memory, there are many mentions of child abuse and the resulting psychological damage in this chapter, so be ready. Because of course there is…

Hikaru Sulu was feeling very comfortable. His pillow was warm and comfortable, and it was kind of nice to realize that he’d just enjoyed the best night’s sleep he’d had in at least a month. But there was something a little odd about his pillow… It was a bit… bigger than he remembered… and it shouldn’t have been this warm… and something soft was tickling at his eyelashes… and sometimes his pillow did smell like Pavel when the boy spent an evening hanging out, but the smell was a lot stronger than usual…

Sulu’s eyes fluttered open and he discovered exactly why things felt off… He’d been nuzzling into Pavel’s neck as he slept, and his arm was still locked securely around the boy’s waist. Sulu instantly froze.

Pavel appeared to still be asleep, his long lashes hiding those soft and innocent hazel eyes from view… But as Sulu shifted, Pavel’s eyes opened, and they were much too alert for him to have been asleep the whole time…

“Oh jeeze!” Sulu yelped, sitting upright and releasing the teenager. “I’m sorry, Pavel, you should have woken me up!”

“Vhy?” Pavel asked, sitting up as well and rolling his neck. “It vas wery comfortable.”

“Yeah, but…”

Pavel ran a hand through his curls, making them stick out at odd angles. “Hikaru, if I had not liked it, I vould haff made you vake up and I vould haff left. But I did like it and I stayed and you should not be upset about it.”

“But Spock could have…”

Pavel shook his head, his eyes glinting with mischief. “Not anymore… Doktor McCoy is on our side… He talked to de keptin.”

Sulu’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

“He stopped by my room last night to tell me,” Pavel confirmed. Then he glanced down at his hands. “If I vas not sure ve vould not get caught, I vould not haff stayed… I do not vant you in trouble again because of me…”

Sulu couldn’t speak for a moment. “…Pavel… I…”

Pavel glanced up again, his cheeks dusted faintly pink. “Anyvays, ve really should get ready for shift, da?”

“Yeah, of course…” Sulu said. “And… after shift… You want to come back here? I owe you some explanations.”

“Sure,” Pavel agreed, getting off the bed and stretching, his t-shirt sliding up a bit to expose a strip of pale white skin on his back. Sulu tried not to stare.

“I could get used to sleeping like dat,” Pavel said, so softly that Sulu almost didn’t hear him. Then he was gone, vanishing into their shared bathroom. Sulu was just glad he was still sitting down.

Since Pavel was still pretending to be avoiding Sulu, they walked up to the bridge separately, and Sulu didn’t have to pretend to be upset about it… He was lost in thought most of the day, thinking about the conversation he’d be having with Pavel later… though he caught several glances from Spock and Kirk as he and Pavel carefully went about their business without speaking to each other.

Nyota cornered him at lunch. “Okay, what’s going on?” she demanded the second she took her seat across from him. “You’re a wreck, and Spock’s been all weird and on edge, and now you and Pavel aren’t talking and Spock looks really smug… What the hell is going on?”

Sulu sighed. He’d tried to keep Uhura out of it, not wanting to make her choose sides between him and Spock (he would almost certainly lose, and therefore lose one of his few friends on the ship), but as she continued prodding, he gave her a very brief explanation. Her eyes grew wider and wider as he talked. Even though he left out everything from his past, and glossed over the argument with his sister, she still looked horrified and she reached across the table to cover his hand with hers.

“Hikaru, I’m so sorry… I had no idea you were so stressed out. I wish you had said something to me, I would have talked to Spock and made him back off. I can’t believe Pavel’s resorted to avoiding you, that’s just not fair,” she exclaimed, her fingers stroking the back of his hand as she spoke.

“It’s fine, really,” Sulu said as calmly as he could. “After all, Pavel will be eighteen soon… then Spock won’t have any more reason to be worried when we spend time together.”

“Are you guys going to finally start dating for real?” Nyota asked, a mischievous smile on her face.

Sulu felt his cheeks heat up. “I… I… I don’t know…” he stammered.

Nyota tilted her head. “Really? You don’t know?”

Sulu shook his head. “It… It’s not that simple…”

“Seems simple enough to me,” Nyota said with a frown. “You like him. He likes you. Where’s the problem?”

Sulu glanced down at her hand still covering his and tried to think of an easy way to explain… He was startled out of his thoughts when she suddenly removed her hand. He looked up in surprise to find her grinning.

“Sorry, your puppy was giving me a really nasty stink-eye…” she said, more amused than concerned. Sulu glanced to his left where Pavel was sitting with the science geeks and winked at his friend, who suddenly became very interested in the plate in front of him.

“He’s so cute,” Nyota giggled. “You’re lucky he’s already shown interest in you… I can think of at least five people who would love it if you were out of contention…”

“Huh?”

Nyota grinned. “You didn’t know? He’s VERY desirable right now… Brains are sexy,” she joked.

“Ah, of course,” Sulu said with a grin, but mentally, he sighed. Yet more proof that Pavel would be much better off finding someone else. The trouble lay in convincing the teen… 

After their shift ended, Sulu ignored Pavel and headed towards the lift, going to the gym to work out until he was almost too exhausted to move. He returned to his quarters and showered, reveling in the way his muscles ached from lifting weights. He’d skipped his fencing, his mind too wrapped up in other problems to appreciate the simple grace of his favorite exercise.

Dressing in a pair of sweats and a black t-shirt, Sulu was still patting his hair dry when he walked back into his bedroom and found Pavel sitting cross-legged at the foot of his bed.

“Hey,” Pavel said, looking almost shy as he sat there. “I hope you do not mind dat I came in vhile you vere shovering… You said before dat you did not…”

“I don’t, honest,” Sulu insisted, rubbing the towel through his hair a few more times before tossing it neatly into the laundry. He ran his fingers through his still-damp hair once before resolving to ignore the spiky tangled mess for now. Pavel was chewing on his lower lip as he watched, and his right ring finger was running up and down his palm again. “What?” Sulu asked him. “Do I have something on my face or something?”

Pavel’s cheeks went bright red. “Sorry,” he stammered. “I vas not intending…” He trailed off, staring down at his lap.

Sulu gulped. This was going to be harder than he thought. “Let me grab myself something from the replicator, then we’ll talk,” he said quickly. “You want anything?”

“Nyet, I am fine,” Pavel said.

“Alright,” Sulu sighed, keying in the code for a protein shake. Grabbing the drink, he sat down cross-legged near the head of the bed, and Pavel swiveled around to face him. Now that they were actually here and about to talk… Sulu realized he had no idea where to begin.

Something of his uncertainty must have shown on his face because Pavel leaned forward a little. “So vat is it dat you haff been vanting to tell me about?” he asked.

“Have you heard anything from anyone else? About me… or about my family?” Sulu asked at last.

Pavel shook his head. “I only know what you haff told me… vhich vas not much. You haff your two sisters, and you do not talk vit your parents. And… you did mention your sister… the one who tried to… to kill herself.”

Sulu chewed on his lower lip. “Yeah, okay… That’s what most people know, if they know anything about my family at all. Minus the part about Rina’s suicide attempts, but you’re a special case. And that’s the way I wanted to keep it.”

“You don’t haff to talk about dis vit me,” Pavel said. “I know you are not liking it.”

“Yeah, but if I don’t tell you… Spock or someone is going to. And… it’s one of those things… it’s gonna be bad no matter what… but I want you to hear about it from me… At least that way you’ll get the truth.”

The way Pavel tilted his head reminded Sulu of an inquisitive bird. “I am not understanding…”

“Yeah, I’m still no good at this,” Sulu sighed. “I haven’t voluntarily talked about my childhood with anyone... ever. Therapists don’t count, that’s hardly voluntary.” He stopped for a moment to try to collect his thoughts. “Fuck, I don’t think this will ever be easy to talk about… My father was an abusive child molester, and he preyed on my sisters,” he spat out in a rush.

Pavel blinked. He didn’t seem to know what to say. “Dat… dat is horrible,” he said at last, his voice edged with caution.

Sulu took a deep breath. The hardest part was over… at least, he hoped it was the hardest part. “Yeah, growing up in my house was a real blast,” he said sarcastically. “It’s… you never really know what it’s like to be truly helpless until you see your sisters being hurt every fucking day by this monster and there’s not a single thing you can do about it.”

“He did not… to you?” Pavel was struggling to figure out how to ask his question.

Sulu shook his head. “Maybe it would have been easier if he had. Watching him hurt my sisters… it tore me apart. Miko was the strong one… she’s the oldest, she’s five years older than me. She would just go crazy, throwing stuff at him and screaming… she’d lock me and Rina in my room so he’d go after her instead of Rina… But she couldn’t be around all the time.”

“And you saw all of dis?”

“Yeah,” Sulu said grimly. “That old bastard didn’t seem to give a shit if I knew. If I tried to stop him, he’d just beat the crap out of me.”

“Vat about your mother?”

Sulu scowled. “I hate her…” he hissed between clenched teeth. “That damn woman… living in a world of her own… She… she didn’t believe us.”

“Vat do you mean?” Pavel asked, his voice shaking slightly.

“She didn’t believe us… about the molestation, or about the physical abuse. She said we were lying, making things up to get attention… She covered for him for… years. So many years. She hid the bruises we’d get when we tried to fight with him. She ignored every word we said, told our teachers we were lying because our father grounded us or some shit. She… she just wouldn’t listen. She’d been in denial for so long. I don’t think she’ll ever really believe it.”

“But how is dat possible?”

“I’ve asked myself that question since I was old enough to understand what was going on,” Hikaru said softly. “Rina tried to kill herself a couple months before Miko turned eighteen. I told you about that. And then she tried again. She couldn’t handle it anymore. I… I understood… but I didn’t want him to win… and if she died, then he won. I couldn’t let her…”

Pavel reached across the distance between them, covering one of Sulu’s hands with one of his. The gentle touch was more comforting than Sulu had anticipated and his eyes fluttered closed for a moment. 

“As soon as Miko turned eighteen, she went straight to the district attorney. She had… everything. She had all sorts of medical records… mostly for herself and Rina, but she had a couple of mine… like when I was ten and my father threw me against a wall and broke my collarbone when I tried to get him away from Rina…”

“Oh Hikaru…” Pavel whispered.

“Since Miko was eighteen, they couldn’t charge our father with any of his crimes against her, but they charged the shit out of him with crimes against Rina… and a couple for me too, child abuse or something… But there were a fuck-ton of child molestation charges and abuse and rape of a minor and all kinds of crazy shit. It was a fucking circus in San Francisco.”

“And your mother?”

“She refused to believe any of it. She testified that we were all liars. Even our father’s attorney couldn’t believe it. She ignored all the medical records, all my testimony, all of Rina’s, all of Miko’s… she brushed every word off. Said it never happened, that we were liars, that we were getting into fights at school or something, that our father was a good man who would never hurt his own kids…”

Pavel’s hand tightened reflexively over Sulu’s.

“He was found guilty of pretty much all the charges. Miko got custody of me and Rina until we turned eighteen and she got us the hell away from our mother. She called us… after the trial… wanting to know when we wanted to visit our father.” He grinned. “I thought Miko was gonna go through the roof. She never told Rina about the call. We still don’t speak to her, and we sure as hell don’t speak to our father.”

“How long vill he be in jail?”

“He got fifty years. He’ll get time off for good behavior, I’m sure… And he might even get parole. Since he only ever preyed on his own kids, and we’re all grown up and living far away… they might think he’s not a threat.”

Pavel looked like he was going to be sick.

“So that’s my happy story,” Sulu said with a sigh, leaning back to rest against the headboard, but managing to keep his hand resting comfortably under Pavel’s.

“But… vhat does dis haff to do… vit us?” Pavel asked at last. “Vhy vere you so vorried about Meester Spock telling me?”

Sulu blinked. “Come on, Pavel… use that big brain of yours. My dad’s a child molester… and you’re underage.”

Pavel blinked. “Oh… Oh!” His face contorted. “Dat is de most absurd ting I haff ewer heard in my life!” he exclaimed.

“You think so?” Sulu asked.

“Da! It is ridiculous!”

Sulu looked down. “For most of my life, I’ve been terrified of ending up like him.”

“But… you vould never…!” Pavel argued. “You saw how much it hurt your sisters… and you… you are not dat vay!”

“You seem awfully certain… considering we had sex when you were sixteen, I’m a little confused by your conviction.”

“Dat vas completely different,” Pavel argued. “Your father attacked your sisters and forced dem. And dey vere much younger dan me.”

“You were pretty fucking drunk when we got together. There are definitely arguments to be made…” Sulu began.

Pavel shook his head, and he leaned forward, narrowing the gap between the two of them. “Not de same ting. Besides… I vas de one who came after you.”

Sulu blinked, trying to remember the hazy alcohol-fueled night. “The first time I remember seeing you… is when we were kissing,” he admitted.

“And dat is vat happened,” Pavel said. “I… I saw you dancing vit another guy… You did not really look like you vere enjoying yourself… And I… I vanted you.” He blushed a little as he said that. “I… I vanted you so much… You looked so amazing, and I thought… I thought I vas better dan de guy you vere vit.”

“Well, I can’t really argue with that,” Sulu said with a sigh. “That guy was pretty annoying. The only reason I was even dancing with him is because I was stupid-drunk.”

Pavel smirked. “Vell, de wodka made me bold… So I valked up to you, but I could not tink of anyting to say… So I just kissed you. And you kissed me back. And ve danced, and den… ve left together,” he said with a shrug and a small smile. “So you see, I made de choice to go to you. It is not de same.” 

Sulu couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “I’m… flattered,” he said at last. “I hope I was a good lay at least.”

“You vere…” Pavel mumbled, blushing scarlet. “I… I haff never stopped… being interested in you…” He swallowed. “I vas trying to ignore it… until I vas eighteen… but…” The hand that rested on Sulu’s was shaking.

Sulu closed his eyes. “Pavel… I…”

“Don’t say anyting yet!” Pavel exclaimed hastily.

“What? Why not?” Sulu asked.

“Because if you say something now, you are going to say nyet!” Pavel exclaimed. “I… Do not do dat… not tonight.”

Sulu’s breath hitched. Damnit, why did he find this kid so sexy? “Pavel, you have to listen to me though…” he begged softly.

“Please… please don’t,” Pavel said softly. Tears appeared in those hazel eyes and pulled Sulu up short. He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips.

“Only you, Pavel…” he sighed. “I just spilled my guts about my past and my messed-up family… and you’re the one in tears because you think I’m going to reject you.”

“But you are… and it vill not be because you do not like me… because I know you do,” Pavel whispered. “You vill say no because you do not tink you are good enough for me… and you are wrong… so wery wrong… but I do not know how to make you see dat.”

The tears continued to brim there… and finally one slipped free, sliding down his cheek. And Sulu reached out, touching his fingertips to Pavel’s face, his thumb catching the teardrop and brushing it away.

“Okay,” he whispered, leaning forward so that their foreheads were nearly touching. “I promise… We won’t talk about it anymore tonight.”

Pavel’s hand moved up to cover the one Sulu had placed on his face, holding it there as they drowned in each other’s eyes.

“I… do not vant to lose you…” he whispered.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Sulu whispered back. “No matter what happens… I’ll always be your friend. I promise.”

Pavel smiled. “Me too. I vill alvays be your friend too. I vill never leawe you. I promise.”

And Sulu smiled, his first genuine smile in so long… and he pulled Pavel into an embrace, feeling that maybe… finally… things might be starting to right themselves in his world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew… I needed every bit of that chapter, didn’t I? Apparently I made the right decision. Okay, it got a little sappy there at the end, but damnit this fic needs some more fluff and sap! It fit… really really well. Mwahaha!


	17. Feeling Conflicted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, confession time guys. I. Hate. Hairy. Chests. I do, I really do… there are no words… It is such a turn-off for me, and I really don’t understand when people say they like hairy chests, a la Sean Connery or whatever. It’s just nasty. So Sulu and Chekov will be having absolutely none of that shit. Seriously, it’s so gross… Like any fic that I read where the author mentions someone running their fingers through a man’s chest hair and I vomit a little in my mouth and the mood is RUINED! Sexy smooth chests and abs are where it’s at! This may seem like just another random rant, but it will ABSOLUTELY be relevant later… (evil grin)

For the second morning in a row, Pavel Chekov woke up curled up a bed that was not in his own, in the arms of his best friend. And he really couldn’t have been happier.

After the conversations of the previous evening, Hikaru seemed to need company rather badly… and wild horses couldn’t have dragged Chekov out of the room when Hikaru needed him. So they had watched vids together and talked about inconsequential things and Chekov had fallen asleep curled up to Hikaru. And he woke up that way as well. Apparently Hikaru had just decided to let him stay over.

A soft sigh escaping his lips, Chekov let himself relax against Hikaru’s warm body. Hikaru made a soft noise in his sleep and his arm tightened around Chekov and his nose burrowed deeper into Chekov’s curls.

And then the peace was shattered as Hikaru’s alarm began blaring.

Muffled cursing made its way to Chekov’s ear as Hikaru attempted to bury himself under the blankets and pillows. Chuckling, Chekov rolled over and lifted a pillow off of Hikaru’s head. “De alarm means you are supposed to vake up, da?”

Hikaru groaned. “Not yet… Five more minutes…”

Chekov laughed. “I vill go get ready first den,” he said. Hikaru sighed, but released the teen. Chekov headed straight to the bathroom, quickly taking care of his morning grooming before heading back to his room to change into his uniform.

When he returned to Hikaru’s room, the other man was still burrowed into his blankets. Chekov couldn’t stop himself from laughing.

“Come on, Hikaru, you need to get up!” he said, finding his friend’s arm and attempting to drag him from the bed.

Hikaru groaned. “Damnit… Pavel…” he whined. Then his head snapped up. “Wait, what time is it?”

“Do not vorry, ve still haff forty minutes until shift.”

“No, that’s not why I was asking… Forty minutes? Shit!” And Hikaru jumped up, hurrying into the bathroom and leaving a bewildered Chekov sitting on the edge of his bed.

A few minutes later, Hikaru was back in the room, seeking out a uniform. He waved Chekov out of the room, so the teen headed back to his own room. But when he was not summoned back right away… he became curious. So he stepped through the shared bathroom, hesitating just before reaching the door to Hikaru’s room. And he could hear Hikaru talking, evidently having attempting to comm someone and failed.

“…and I just want to talk to you for a few minutes, that’s all. Miko, you know I would never do anything to hurt you or Rina, please just comm me back so we can talk.” He paused for a painfully long moment. “Please, I promise, there’s an explanation… it wasn’t what you thought, I swear. My shift starts in twenty minutes, but please… please message me or something, okay?” He paused again. “You know I love you. I don’t want to be fighting with you. Talk to you soon then…” And then there was silence followed by a heavy, almost heartbroken, sigh.

Chekov felt his stomach clench. Without pausing to think, he stepped into Hikaru’s room. Seeing the young man with his head resting in his hands and looking exhausted and defeated steeled his resolve. “Hikaru? Vat’s wrong?” he asked.

Hikaru’s head snapped open. “Pavel…! Uh… nothing… Nothing’s wrong. Why do you ask?”

Chekov just gave him an irritated look before sitting at the foot of the bed, his knees almost touching Hikaru’s as the other man turned in his chair to face him. 

Hikaru sighed. “It’s really nothing… Miko and I had a… a misunderstanding. And she’s giving me the silent treatment. Once she stops being mad, she’ll let me explain…” He trailed off, and there was worry in his dark eyes.

“Vat happened? Vat vas de misunderstanding?” Chekov asked.

Hikaru turned his head slightly so he wasn’t looking directly at Chekov. “It’s not important.”

“It must be important ozzervise you vould just tell me,” Chekov pointed out as gently as he could.

Hikaru winced.

“You are not a good liar, Hikaru,” Chekov continued. “You haff a… a bad poker face. You do not hide your emotions vell.”

“Yeah, I know… Believe me, I know,” Hikaru sighed. “But it’s such a stupid thing, you really don’t have to worry about it…”

“Ven did you haff your… misunderstanding?” Chekov tried.

“It’s been almost a month,” Hikaru muttered.

Chekov tilted his head back, casting around for what happened almost a month ago. “You did not tell her about… um…”

“Kissing by the science labs?” Hikaru asked, tactfully avoiding assigning responsibility to anyone. “No way, do I look like an idiot?” He rubbed his forehead. “I don’t even want to know what she would have done to me…”

And that’s when Chekov remembered looking for his shirt in Hikaru’s room when he had been talking with his sister, and his eyes grew wide with alarm. “Oh… oh Hikaru…” he gasped.

Hikaru leaned forward and rested one of his hands on Chekov’s. “It’s not your fault, okay? You had no way of knowing… You didn’t know about our family yet or anything… Hell, even I didn’t know she was going to flip out like that. It was a stupid misunderstanding, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

“…B…but…” Chekov stammered.

“It. Is. Not. Your. Fault,” Hikaru repeated. “She… It’s just difficult, okay? For her… for all of us, really…” He paused, struggling for words. “To have one of those bonds… that’s supposed to protect you… and have it used against you, used to hurt you… It really fucks your ability to trust others. In her heart of hearts, she knows… she has to know I’m not like our father… but there’s always that nagging little voice that just wants to see the worst in other people and doesn’t want to get close…” He trailed off, staring at his hand over Chekov’s, like he wasn’t quite sure how it got there or if he should move it.

Chekov was shrewd enough to read between the lines, and also impressed that Hikaru had found a way to bring up his own reservations about… about them… even as he worried about his sister. Chekov carefully turned his hand over under Hikaru’s and gave it a light squeeze. “She is your sister and I am sure she loves you… It vill be okay.”

“I know it will,” Hikaru agreed, though the tone of his voice suggested that he was glad that someone else agreed with him. Then he winced. “Shit… we’re supposed to be on the bridge soon!”

Chekov cursed in Russian. “You are right,” he added. “Ve vill be late if ve do not go immediately.”

As they had done for the last couple of days, they arrived separately on the bridge and made a show of carrying out their duties professionally, with no time given over for side conversations. But Chekov was thinking hard… a little plan forming in his head…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu was restless all that day, and that night as well. He and Pavel had agreed that the best way to keep up the illusion that Pavel was avoiding Sulu… was for Pavel to actually avoid Sulu. So he worked late in the botany lab, not even daring to message the teen, knowing that Spock was almost certainly able to read all messages between crewmembers.

Sulu had a hard time falling asleep that night. He was thinking about Pavel’s reaction to their conversation the night before. Sulu had been sure that such a conversation would drive them apart… that was why he had delayed for so long… and why he had decided to spit it all out… Like ripping off a Band-Aid, he had planned to convince Pavel he was an unsuitable boyfriend (and possibly even friend) as quickly and efficiently as possible. And that hadn’t happened… and Sulu was a bit off-balance as a result. He laid awake for hours, his thoughts a tangled jungle of confusing pathways.

And it was this insomnia that he blamed entirely on the events of the next morning. Because he only managed to catch a couple hours of sleep, he wound up sleeping right through his alarm clock going off. So he rushed into the bathroom, showering as quickly as possible before realizing he hadn’t even grabbed a fresh uniform. So he wrapped the towel securely around his waist before stepping out of the shower… just in time for Pavel to walk into the bathroom through his own door.

Sulu gulped, trying to pretend he didn’t notice the way Pavel’s eyes shamelessly raked over his bare chest. “Uh… good morning.”

“Da, good morning,” Pavel replied automatically, finally flicking his hazel eyes back up to Sulu’s face.

“Um… sorry, I overslept…” Sulu muttered.

Pavel just smiled that disarmingly sweet smile. “Oh, it is no problem. I still haff plenty of time to get ready. Excuse me,” he added, sliding past Sulu, not quite close enough to touch.

Sulu shivered, and the sound of the shower starting up didn’t help. Stepping over to the sink, he quickly splashed some cold water on his face and tried to get back under control. Autopilot took over and he quickly brushed his teeth and combed his hair before starting the process of shaving. Lost in the routine of morning grooming, he was jolted when he heard the shower shut off. Unfortunately, the process of shaving simply could not be rushed… and by the time he rinsed his face and turned to exit the bathroom, Pavel was stepping out of the shower area… 

Sulu gulped again. Pavel really looked way too sexy for words. He was barefoot and bare-chested, clad in only his black uniform pants. His curls, made a much darker brown from the dampness, clung limply to his head and tumbled onto his forehead endearingly. His towel was slung loosely around his shoulders, but drops of moisture still clung to his chest, sliding enticingly down to caress his well-toned abs, and Sulu had to fiercely squash the urge to trace the path the water droplets took with his fingers.

One corner of Pavel’s mouth quirked up, and before Sulu could react, Pavel was standing much closer, their bodies almost touching but not quite. “You haff a terrible poker face,” Pavel said quietly. “Especially ven it comes to hiding how much you vant me.”

Sulu didn’t trust himself to speak, and his hands gripped the edge of the counter so hard, his knuckles became quite white as he tried not to touch.

Pavel apparently had no such reservations. Hesitantly at first, but then with more confidence, the teen’s fingers danced up the muscles of Sulu’s arms, slowly tracing the lines that so many hours at the gym had perfected. Sulu was absolutely breathless as he watched the tiny line of concentration form between Pavel’s eyes, so he wasn’t quite ready when Pavel tilted his head up and captured Sulu’s mouth against his.

His eyes nearly closed as Pavel’s lips found his, so caught up in the exquisite sensations. One of Pavel’s hands had settled on Sulu’s waist, just at the top of the towel. The other slid slowly across Sulu’s toned chest, more muscular than Pavel’s, but still lean and smooth. Sulu was frozen, paralyzed with uncertainty and indecision. Pavel’s teeth nipped lightly at Sulu’s lower lip.

“You can touch too, Hikaru…” Pavel whispered, his breath tickling across Sulu’s lower lip before recapturing his mouth and teasing at his slightly parted lips.

As though he’d been waiting for the words, Sulu’s left hand moved to wrap around Pavel’s slender body, pulling the younger man flush against him. Pavel’s skin was so soft under the calluses of his hands, softer than he remembered… Sulu surprised himself when the soft noise left his lips; not quite a whine, but something similar. The hand that had been resting at Sulu’s waist was darting artfully along the towel. 

Sulu could have happily drowned in the sensations he was feeling. Pavel was nipping lightly at Sulu’s neck, and Sulu had tipped his head back to allow the teen better access. A vague voice in his head was hissing that he was practically naked and making out his nearly-as-unclothed underage best friend, but he was finding it very hard to care right then…

And then he remembered that they were due on the bridge soon.

“Pavel…” he gasped out, before biting his lip to stop a moan from escaping.

“Hm?” Pavel hummed as he began to explore Sulu’s collarbone.

“We… bridge… shift…” Sulu mumbled, not able to form a coherent sentence.

Pavel straightened up a little. “Oh shit… you are right…” he muttered, before uttering something in Russian that was probably a curse. “Perhaps ve can pick dis up later?” he asked, hazel eyes glinting mischievously.

“Uhh… well… I don’t…” Sulu stammered.

“It is wery easy to make me stop… All you must do is say de vord,” Pavel said seriously.

Sulu took a deep breath, finally regaining some of his composure. “Yeah… I know…” he said as he pried his right hand loose from the countertop. Pavel caught his hand, his fingertips brushing the scars on Sulu’s palm… They were still too close together, both panting slightly. Sulu removed his hand from Pavel’s back, but as he brought the arm back to his side, he brushed a stray curl off of Pavel’s forehead. Pavel leaned forward slightly and gave Sulu one last chaste peck on the lips, and then they separated, continuing to get ready for their shift as though nothing had happened.

By the time lunchtime arrived, Sulu was feeling drained. The buzz from the encounter with Pavel had faded away completely, leaving the cold reality in its place. As he mused on this, Sulu was surprised to find himself waylaid by Dr. McCoy at the entrance of the mess hall.

“We gotta talk, Sulu,” McCoy drawled.

“Will it take long?” Sulu asked.

“Long enough. Grab something to eat and meet me in my office, okay?”

“Sure,” Sulu agreed.

And a few minutes later, he was digging in to a sandwich while sitting on the patient’s side of McCoy’s desk.

“So what’s so important that you have to interrupt my lunch?” Sulu asked.

“Have you talked to Chekov yet?” McCoy asked.

“We’re friends, Doctor, we talk every day,” Sulu said, purposely being obtuse.

McCoy scowled. “I’m in no mood for your crap,” he informed Sulu. 

Sulu sighed. “Fine, yes, I told him. Happy?”

“And how’d he take it?”

“Surprisingly well,” Sulu admitted quietly, dropping his gaze firmly to the sandwich.

McCoy frowned. “I’d have said that’s good news… but somethin’ tells me you don’t agree.”

Sulu didn’t look up or offer any explanation.

McCoy drummed his fingers on the desktop. “Sulu, it almost sounds to me like you were hoping that telling Chekov… would push him away.”

Sulu still didn’t respond.

McCoy sighed, rubbing his fingertips against his forehead. “Listen, I get it… I do. There’s all kinds of psychological trauma that goes along with the kind of abuse you experienced in your home. I know it makes it really hard to form bonds with anyone new. It makes sense… when one of the first and most sacred bonds you’ve ever formed ends up being so corrupted, why try to befriend anyone else if they’re only gonna hurt you…”

Sulu’s lips pressed together, forming a thin line.

“Damnit, Sulu…” McCoy sighed. “Am I gonna hafta spell this out for ya? Whether ya want to admit it or not, you’ve formed a real close friendship, and I don’t like seein’ ya toss it away just ‘cause you’re insecure.”

Sulu finally looked up. “That’s not why I want to push him away. Not really.”

“Then why?” McCoy asked, sounding almost helplessly frustrated.

“Because…” Sulu stopped and licked his lips. “He can do better. I don’t want him to settle for me just because he feels close to me because I stopped him from killing himself.”

McCoy tilted his head. “I don’t think you’re tellin’ me the whole truth… But I do understand your concern. You should try talkin’ to him. The kid may not even be eighteen yet, but he may be the smartest person I’ve ever met… He probably understands what you’re thinkin’ way better than ya realize.”

Sulu nodded and left the office, but as he walked back to the bridge, he couldn’t help but shake his head. “I hope not, Doc… I sure hope not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A?N: Is it painfully obvious yet that I really like aggressive Chekov? Well someone has to take the lead… and Sulu’s too busy dealing with his issues to do it himself… I actually thought about taking that bathroom scene further, but then I decided it didn’t make sense to do it in this chapter, so I’ll save that for a later date… (maniacal laughter)


	18. Pavel Proves a Point

Pavel Chekov was sitting at his desk, drumming his fingers against the surface and trying to get up the courage to make the call to Earth. He wasn’t at all sure how the person on the other end would react to his call, and he WAS sure that Hikaru was not going to be happy with him for making this call…

Before he could psych himself out too badly, he keyed in the number that had taken nearly a full evening’s work to track down. And then he waited for the call to be answered.

A pretty (in a conservative, severe sort of way) Asian-American woman answered the videophone, her expression slightly puzzled. “Hello?” she said cautiously. Then her eyes widened slightly as she recognized Chekov.

“Um, hi. You are Miko, is dat right? Hikaru’s sister?” Chekov said, feeling a little more nervous now that he was actually looking at her.

“Yes…” she said cautiously. Her eyes were now narrowed, her expression a combination of annoyed and suspicious. 

“I am Pavel Chekov… I am a friend of Hikaru’s.”

“So I noticed,” she said acidly. “How old are you anyways? You look like a fifteen-year-old.”

Chekov’s cheeks flamed. “I vill be eighteen in two veeks,” he said curtly.

“I knew it,” Miko groaned, rubbing her eyes. “I knew you were underage the second I saw you.”

“Eef you vould please listen to me…” Chekov tried again.

“Did Hikaru put you up to this? I may just strangle him…” Miko snarled. “Bad enough that he calls every day when I made it perfectly clear I never want to talk to him again…”

She seemed ready to go into a full rant, and Chekov had to cut this off. “Please. Hikaru does not know dat I am calling you. But I thought eef you vould not listen to him, perhaps you vould listen to me.”

“I don’t want to hear anything either of you have to say…” Miko began.

“Your brother and I are not haffing sex!” Chekov blurted out. When Miko looked surprised, he rushed on. “Ve are not haffing sex, ve are not dating, noting… ve are only friends.”

Miko stared at him for a moment. “I don’t know if I believe you,” she said at last.

“Hikaru told me… about your family…” Chekov said cautiously. “And I am wery sorry about vat you vent trough…”

“He told you…” Miko gasped. “He… he’s never told anyone…” She looked a little dazed.

“Vell, he told me,” Chekov said, a bit more boldly now.

“But… why?” Miko wondered.

“Vell, one reason is because I am his friend and he tought I should know,” Chekov said.

“Well…” Miko sighed, “you may very well be the first real friend he’s had… ever… That would be a big step for him.” Her sisterly concern was breaking through her anger, much to Chekov’s relief.

“I… I know he has a hard time making friends…” Chekov said quietly. “Ve haff had difficult circumstances…” His fingers reflexively clenched, his nails scraping against the top of the desk. “He has helped me deal vit some problems, and I haff tried to help him… It seems to vork vell for us.”

Miko actually smiled. “I really hope you’re telling me the truth, because that’s something I never thought I’d hear. He really needs a friend he can count on.”

Chekov decided to take the plunge. “Dere is another reason he told me about your family… I… I am… interested in him…” He blushed, staring down at the desktop. “I vas trying to see if he vas also interested in me… I vas so sure he vas… But he said he did not vant…” He paused, shrugging helplessly. “And dat is vhen he told me about your father. So dat I vould understand.”

Miko was quiet as he spoke, one finger pressed to her lips. “So he’s behaved himself then?” she asked at last.

Chekov smiled. “Da, he is de perfect gentleman… I cannot ewen get him to look at me sometimes. Besides, our superior officers are also… hm… shall ve say, concerned for my wirtue…”

Miko chuckled, a warm rich sound that reminded Chekov of her brother’s laugh. “So then I probably wasn’t wrong when I thought he was interested in you… But I was wrong about… about how close you are,” she decided at last.

“I tink dat is fair,” Chekov agreed with a nod.

Miko smiled warmly at him. “You seem very sweet… I hope Hikaru’s being a good friend to you. And I hope you’re being good to him.”

“I vould newer hurt him. Not ewer,” Chekov said emphatically.

“I hope not,” Miko said, just a trace of sternness in her voice. “He’s my baby brother, and I won’t hesitate to fuck up anyone who hurts him.”

Chekov grinned. “I promise, no hurting.”

“Good,” Miko said. “I’ll comm him in a little bit and make sure he’ll do the same to you,” she added, her eyes softening as she looked at him. “You seem so nice… I’d hate for Hikaru to hurt you, even on accident.”

“I tink I vill be okay, but tank you,” Chekov said. “I beliewe Hikaru vill be in his quarters in an hour, perhaps you vill comm him den?”

“Are you sure he didn’t put you up to this?” Miko asked.

“Nyet,” Chekov said, shaking his head. “He did not ewen vant to tell me about your fight… But he has been wery upset… and I hate seeing him hurting.”

A sigh escaped her lips. “You really are sweet… Okay, I’ll comm him in an hour. Thank you. And it was nice to actually meet you, Pavel.”

“Same to you, Miko.”

Miko disconnected the call and Chekov slumped in his chair. That had been an exhausting conversation.

Almost exactly an hour later, Chekov heard Hikaru return to his quarters. And then his heart leapt as he heard the some murmur of voices… A smile hovering on his face, he settled on his bed, his head resting against the top of the headboard so he could hear the muted hum of the voices.

When the sounds of talking faded away, Chekov got to his feet and padded through the connecting bathroom, poking his head into Hikaru’s room. Hikaru was sitting at his desk, one hand propping up his head and a lazy grin on his face as he chatted with his sister. The screen was turned so that Miko had a view of the doors, and she saw Chekov before Hikaru did. She smiled and gave him a small wave. Hikaru turned to see Chekov hesitating in the doorway.

“Sorry,” Chekov mumbled. “I did not hear you talking anymore… I tought you vere finished…” He trailed off, wondering if Miko had explained why she was finally breaking her silence with her brother.

“No, come on in,” Hikaru said, gesturing for him to enter. Chekov did so, perching tentatively on the foot of the bed. “I should have introduced you to both of my sisters ages ago, but this is Miko. Miko, Pavel.”

Miko smiled at Chekov. “We’ve actually already met, but thanks, ‘Karu.”

Hikaru blinked. “You have? When was this?”

“Earlier this afternoon,” Miko said, still grinning. Chekov just looked down at his lap, not sure what Hikaru’s reaction was going to be.

The pieces fell into place immediately. “Pavel! You… Why?” Hikaru finally asked.

“Because you needed to make up,” Chekov said softly. “You haff been wery unhappy lately. So… I called her.”

“’Karu, you’ve been holding out on me,” Miko said. “He’s so sweet. Why didn’t you introduce us before?”

Hikaru was visibly floored. “I… I thought…”

“You thought I’d be upset because he’s underage,” Miko surmised. “So you hid it, and then look what happened.” Hikaru looked like he was about to speak, but she cut him off. “Yes, I overreacted. I know. But you have to stop and think how it looked. If you had just talked about him from the beginning…” She shrugged. 

Hikaru uttered a defeated sigh. “Fine, it’s my fault, as usual.” But he was grinning as he said it. “Whatever, I’m just glad you’re talking to me again.”

“No more secrets?” Miko asked.

“No more secrets,” Hikaru promised.

“Good. I already lectured Pavel about this earlier, but don’t you dare hurt him!” Miko said sternly. “He seems much too sweet, so I better not hear about you breaking his heart, got it?”

“Yes ma’am,” Hikaru said with a sarcastic salute, though his heart didn’t seem to be quite as into the joking now.

“You promise you won’t do anything until he’s eighteen?” Miko pressed.

“Promise,” Hikaru said, and Chekov nodded behind him.

“Okay,” Miko said cheerfully. “I’ll talk to you boys later. Bye Pavel, bye ‘Karu.” And she disconnected the call. And Chekov waited as Hikaru slowly turned to face him, silently bracing for whatever Hikaru’s reaction might be.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu didn’t have to be an expert in body language to know what his best friend was thinking at that moment. He looked astonishingly like a puppy that had, oh, torn up a pair of slippers, and was awaiting the inevitable scolding. For the first time, Sulu began to understand why so many of their crewmates compared the teen to a puppy and he had to bite down on the inside of his cheek to avoid cracking a smile at the hangdog expression on Pavel’s face. Instead he propped his elbows on his knees, leaning forward in his chair so that his chin rested on his clasped hands, staring intently at the younger man and waiting to see if he would break the silence.

Pavel fidgeted a little but didn’t speak. The silence stretched between them as Pavel stared down at his hands.

“So…” Sulu began.

“I'm sorry,” Pavel blurted out.

Sulu blinked.

“I crossed a line, didn’t I?” Pavel said, wringing his hands as he sat there, still not looking up. “You did not ewen vant to tell me about de fight, so you must be really mad since I vent and called her and interfered vit your personal life and…”

One of Sulu’s hands darted out to still Pavel’s hands, covering them and gently holding them in place. “Hey,” he said softly. “Calm down, okay? I’m not mad. How can I be mad? You helped me and my sister make up, I’m hardly going to argue with the result.”

Pavel fidgeted a little, almost pulling his hands away, but stilling himself at the last moment. “But you… you try so hard to keep your family… separate. From eweryting else. And I just… blasted trough all of dat. I should haff tought about vat you vould tink…”

Sulu ran his thumb gently over the top of Pavel’s hand, stopping the stammered protests. “For anyone else… Yeah, I’d be pissed off. You’re right. I do like to keep my family separate from everything else. My sisters mean everything to me, and I… I never wanted them to get tangled into my school or work or… anything. But,” he added, a rueful grin crossing his face, “you do seem to like shattering all the barriers I thought I had in place, don’t you?”

“I’m sorry…” Pavel whispered again, but he finally looked up to meet Sulu’s eyes. And this was less of an apology for interfering… and more of an apology for inserting himself so irreversibly into Sulu’s life.

“I’m the one who should be sorry,” Sulu whispered, brushing a stray curl off Pavel’s forehead. “I know I must be the most frustrating person in the world… with all my hang-ups and issues… Do you ever think you’d be better off with someone else?” he asked before he could stop himself.

Those hazel eyes widened. “Vhat? Nyet! Hikaru…”

“Just listen to me for a second…” Sulu said softly. “Don’t you ever think you’d be better off with someone who… who can give you everything? Because I… I can’t, Pavel, I can’t. There are always going to be these walls, I’ve spent my whole life building them up and I can’t just tear them down. This… this thing… you were worried about crossing a line with me, and you shouldn’t have to worry about that. A normal person wouldn’t have a hang-up like that.”

“But…” Pavel tried to say, but Sulu stopped him again.

“If you’re staying with me just because of… of how I…” He stopped again, unsure how to proceed, but Pavel had turned one of his hands over to trace the scars on Sulu’s hands.

“Dat is not it…” Pavel whispered.

Sulu took a deep breath, hating the way he shuddered as he did so. “God, I wish I could believe that.”

“But vhy don’t you?” Pavel asked, his voice just a low whisper. 

Sulu wondered how they’d gotten so close, their faces only inches apart. Not answering Pavel’s question, he leaned back, standing up and starting to walk… away. But he made it only a step before Pavel’s hand was clamped down on his wrist. “Pavel, I…” he began.

The only excuse he had was that Pavel surprised him. Sulu never actually expected that Pavel would even try to hold him in place, much less pull him backwards onto the bed. So he really wasn’t ready when that was exactly what occurred.

Pavel was still sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand still clasping Sulu’s wrist. Sulu was lying on his back on the bed suddenly, his knees hooked against the edge and his feet resting on the floor. It took a second for air to return to his lungs. “Damnit, Pavel, what the hell?” he gasped.

“You vere trying to valk avay from dis conwersation,” Pavel said, as though that explained everything.

“I was just going to…” Sulu paused and trailed off, not sure where he had intended to go.

One of Pavel’s eyebrows arched up. “Uh huh…” he said slowly. “So wery conwincing.”

And then Sulu’s breath caught in his throat as Pavel nimbly twisted his body, slinging one leg over Sulu and coming to rest on all fours, the insides of his knees just barely brushing against Sulu’s hips. One of Sulu’s hands was still trapped in Pavel’s grip, but his other one went up… maybe to try to push Pavel off of him, maybe just to touch him… It didn’t actually matter what his plan was because Pavel caught the errant hand and pinned that one down too.

“Uhhh…” Sulu gasped before his brain started working again. “What are you doing?”

“Prowing a point,” Pavel replied.

“By pinning me to my own bed?”

“It got your attention, did it not?” And the grin on Pavel’s face was utterly disarming. Sulu had to take a deep breath, trying to bring his traitorous body back under control.

“I guess so,” Sulu was forced to agree as he tried to focus on not moving his hips. Pavel may have been hovering comfortably above him, but it was still tempting…

“So… you are trying to distract me from your real issues,” Pavel said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You cannot really be vorried dat I vill run off vit someone else,” Pavel said.

“Who says I’m worried?” Sulu argued. “I’ve accepted it. Damnit Pavel, you are absolutely gorgeous… and brilliant… and just… you’re amazing. And I’m not the only person that thinks so. As soon as you open your eyes and see that, you’ll lose interest in me and find someone who’s a better match for you and…” He trailed off at the shocked look on Pavel’s face. “What? It’s true. And I’m okay with that, I promise. I know I’m not good enough for you, and that’s fine.” He was going to say more but the look on Pavel’s face had morphed into something almost… hurt… and he couldn’t speak anymore. 

“Is dat really vat you tink of me?” Pavel asked, his voice shaking a little. And his eyes actually looked a little moist.

Sulu gulped, licking dry lips nervously. “What do you mean?”

“You… you really tink I vould be so fickle?” Pavel asked.

“I… that’s not… I just meant… I just want you to know that I would understand if you wanted to pursue someone else, that’s all. I don’t want you to feel… like you’re tied down with me.”

“So you tink I either stay vit you out of gratitude… or pity…” Pavel said, turning the words over on his tongue, and in his mind if his unsettled eyes were any indication. Then his shoulders slumped a little, or as much as they could while still holding Sulu’s hands to the bed and supporting the rest of his body. “I do not know vhich is vorse.”

Sulu gulped, guilt pooling uncomfortably in his stomach. “Pavel, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know it isn’t. Vhich is vhy I vish you vould tell me vhat is really going on in your head,” Pavel said, stumbling his way over the mixed-up W’s and V’s as best he could while still keeping that concerned and upset look on his face. He shifted, his knees pressing just a little more against Sulu’s hips. While Sulu was distracted, Pavel guided the other man’s hands to a point above his head, managing to hold them both with one hand and using the other to cup Sulu’s cheek. “I am not seeing how you could still doubt my interest in you,” he added before leaning forward to gently press his lips to Sulu’s.

Sulu shivered as Pavel’s slightly chapped lips moved against his. If he wanted to, Sulu could easily break the hold Pavel had on him, especially now that the teen was distracted by the kiss… but he found he didn’t want to, not yet. He began kissing back, nipping lightly at the younger man’s lips, and reveling in the soft noises that escaped both of them.

Finally Pavel lifted his head enough to break the kiss and they stared at each other. Pavel’s pupils were blown wide, obvious desire written all over his face as he steadied himself by gripping Sulu’s shoulder. Their hips were aligned, but not touching… and again, it took all of Sulu’s self-control not to buck his hips up, just a little…

“You seem to have a thing for holding me down or pinning me,” he said at last.

Pavel managed a grin. “Vell it does keep you from trying to leawe me.”

“If I left you, it would be for your own good,” Sulu tried to argue.

“Oh, so breaking my heart is good for me?” Pavel asked.

“That’s not…” Sulu began, but he was cut off when Pavel kissed him again. This kiss was a bit more frantic, Pavel seeming almost desperate to prove… something. His devotion perhaps. When they broke apart again, both were panting. “Damnit, Pavel…” Sulu sighed. “Didn’t we just get done telling my sister that we wouldn’t do anything until you turned eighteen?”

“Vell, you told her. I only nodded. But I could hawe meant anyting by my nod.”

Sulu’s eyes narrowed warningly. “Pavel…”

“Besides, dis is not anyting, it vill not go anyvhere.”

“You seem very confident.”

“I am,” Pavel said with a smile. “I vill not do anyting too objectionable… and if I try, you can just stop me. It vould be easy for you to stop me now, but you haff not done it yet.”

Sulu sighed, knowing that it was pointless to deny that. “That’s unfair, you know that, don’t you?”

“Da, I know,” Pavel said with a positively wicked grin.

“You aren’t nearly as innocent as everyone seems to believe,” Sulu sighed.

Pavel leaned in closer, putting his lips nearly on Sulu’s ear. “Only vhen I’m vit you,” he whispered, his warm breath dancing over Sulu’s ear, and this time he couldn’t stop himself from shivering.

“Damnit, Pavel…” he gasped, one hand slipping free to tangle itself in curly hair and pull the younger man in for another kiss. Doing this was probably crossing the line of appropriateness, but… Sulu was finding it very hard to care just then.


	19. Relationships Are Not Supposed to be Easy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor trigger warning for a couple references to Pavel's suicide attempts. General warning for tooth-rotting fluffy confessions of love. Woooo!

Pavel Chekov thought his life really might be complete.

Considering how things had been going between him and Hikaru… well, he’d really begun to wonder if Hikaru was ever going to initiate a kiss… but he finally had… and it was amazing.

A little sigh escaped his lips as Hikaru’s tongue invaded his mouth, and fingers tightened in his curls. Chekov ran his fingers down Hikaru’s jawline, then along the more delicate muscles of his neck, pausing at the hollow at the base of his throat, letting his fingers rest there for a moment. He had Hikaru’s other hand pinned above Hikaru’s head, and he ran his fingers lightly across that callused palm, intertwining his fingers with Hikaru’s.

It took a superhuman amount of effort to pull himself away from Hikaru’s very inviting mouth, and he studiously ignored the faint noise of protest. Instead Chekov nudged lightly against Hikaru’s neck, his tongue tracing the same path his fingers had followed a few moments before. A low whine tore itself from Hikaru’s mouth, and the way his head tipped back to further expose his throat indicated that these attentions were not unwelcome.

Chekov shifted carefully, still not letting their hips touch (knowing that Hikaru would certainly cut these activities off if that happened), and his free hand moved from the hollow of Hikaru’s throat to his shoulder and Chekov braced himself that way. Hikaru’s hand was still tangled pleasantly in his curls, and when he nipped lightly at the soft skin on Hikaru’s neck, he felt Hikaru’s fingers clench automatically. The light tug felt amazing, and Chekov quickly repeated the nip, and got the expected result.

“Probably shouldn’t… uhhhh… do that…” Hikaru gasped out, his eyes closed and his head tipping back even further.

“Mhm,” Chekov agreed with a hum as his tongue traced Hikaru’s collar bone. And when he nipped down on that, the reaction was immediate. Hikaru gasped sharply, the hand in Chekov’s hair moved to the back of his neck and seemed ready to push him away. Chekov slid his hand along Hikaru’s shoulder and was barely able to pull the hand away from his neck, managing to pin it to the bed close to Hikaru’s head. Of course, this meant it was harder for Chekov to brace himself at a respectable distance, and he slid downwards, his chest landing on Hikaru’s taunt abdomen. 

“Pav…” Hikaru whined, seeming torn between desire and reluctance.

Chekov bit down more firmly Hikaru’s collarbone, worrying the skin between his teeth and sucking until he was sure there would be a brilliant purplish-red bruise. Hikaru’s breathing was harsh and ragged, and his arms trembled beneath Chekov’s.

“Fuck… that… God, just… Fuck!” Hikaru gasped, his eyes flying wide open so that Chekov could see that his pupils had dilated, filling in the dark brown irises almost completely, making his eyes even more black-looking than normal.

And Chekov knew he should really knock this off right now… Much as he wanted to deny it, they had made a promise to his sister just a few minutes earlier, and he still wasn’t eighteen yet… Both excellent reasons to wait… but he didn’t want to.

“You… Fuck, Pav…” Hikaru practically whimpered, and the low moan that left his lips nearly made Chekov come undone as well. 

Panting, he pulled back enough to give Hikaru another quick kiss and then stopped to let both of them catch their breath. They stared at each other for a minute, both breathless and obviously wanting more. Hikaru’s eyes were just a little alarmed though, and that was all that kept Chekov from diving right back onto him.

“Is there… gonna be… a mark?” Hikaru panted.

Chekov knew there was, but he pretended not to know, letting go of one of Hikaru’s arms and running his fingers down Hikaru’s neck before peeling back the t-shirt a bit more than was strictly necessary. “Da…” he panted at last. “Dere is a mark already.”

“Ah shit…” Hikaru groaned, dipping his head back a little further to more closely study the ceiling… and exposing his throat to Chekov’s scrutiny. He couldn’t keep his fingers away from lightly stroking Hikaru’s fluttering pulse, and Hikaru lifted one arm, resting it against Chekov’s side, steadying him.

“Do not vorry,” Chekov said, his breath nearly regained. “I made sure… it is low enough… Your uniform collar vill hide it.”

Hikaru tilted his head to look at Chekov again. “You serious?”

Chekov nodded earnestly, biting his lip and enjoying how raw it felt thanks to Hikaru’s ministrations.

“You know where my uniform collar falls, and you made sure to…” Hikaru couldn’t finish the sentence before he started chuckling. “I should not find that so ridiculously hot.”

Chekov couldn’t stop himself from grinning as well. “Vhat can I say? You are de most fascinating ting on de bridge. I haff little else to study.”

Hikaru’s breath hitched, and something changed in his face... It was subtle, but it was there.

“Karu? Vat is wrong?”

“Nothing,” Hikaru replied quickly.

Chekov lifted an eyebrow skeptically. “You are lying to me. Vhy?”

Hikaru sighed, his eyes never leaving the ceiling. “It’s not important.”

Chekov’s eyes narrowed. “You better not be tinking dat I am better off if you leawe me.”

Hikaru flinched just a little at that. “I… well…” He closed his eyes. “You would be better off, you know.”

“I am not understanding vhy you tink dis,” Chekov said quietly, his fingers dancing lightly across the pulse on Hikaru’s wrist. It was racing, and Chekov’s was matching it. Something important was happening here, he was sure of it.

“No, you wouldn’t…” Hikaru sighed. “Fuck, I can’t put this off any longer, can I?”

“Vould you like to? I can vait,” Chekov promised.

“You’re too damn sweet for your own good,” Hikaru told him. “Can you… move… please?”

Chekov complied at once, releasing Hikaru’s wrist and swiveling his hips away from Hikaru, returning to his normal seat at the foot of his best friend’s bed. Hikaru propped himself up on his elbows, still looking just a bit breathless from their frantic make-out session. Without really thinking about it, Chekov reached out and gripped Hikaru’s hand, helping to pull him up to a sitting position. Hikaru glanced down at their clasped hands.

“You see, this is exactly what I’m talking about. You don’t even think about offering to help me, make my life easier.”

“Neither do you.”

“Yes I do, that’s the point. That’s the problem.”

Chekov waited for him to continue.

“Pavel…” Hikaru licked his lips. “How long was your longest relationship?”

Chekov gaped at him. He knew his cheeks must be bright red, but he couldn’t do anything about it. “Vhat kind of question is dat?” he blurted out.

“Please just answer it,” Hikaru said.

Chekov wrinkled his nose unhappily. “Somevhere between a year and eighteen months, I guess. Vhy?” He forcibly shoved away any thoughts of Erica and Jason.

“And how many partners have you had?”

“Including you?”

Hikaru nodded.

Chekov scowled. “Four.”

Hikaru nodded, not seeming surprised by that number. “I’ve had nine. You want to know how long my longest relationship was?”

Not even a little. “Da, you are going to tell me anyvays, so just spill it,” Chekov sighed.

Hikaru seemed to have to fight back a smile, but his expression sobered almost immediately. “Three weeks.”

“Tree…?” Chekov hesitated, sure that he’d heard that wrong.

“Weeks, yes. As in, less than a month.” 

“Okay…” Chekov said slowly, turning that over in his mind. “Vell, obwiously you haff not found…”

Hikaru was already shaking his head. “No, no… This is what I’ve been trying to tell you… for weeks now actually. I just can’t do relationships.”

Chekov thought the bottom might have dropped out from his stomach and he had to swallow hard. “Oh…” he whispered. And he hated the guilt that he saw in Hikaru’s eyes, but he had to pull his own shattered heart together before he could deal with Hikaru’s emotions as well.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu had never felt like more of a heel in his life.

Seeing Pavel’s heartbroken face was more than he thought he was capable of bearing. But he managed it, and he didn’t let himself look away, watching every nuance of Pavel’s expression.

“It’s not anything to do with you,” he continued, hoping that if he talked enough, he could come up with some combination of words to fix the damage he’d just done. “I mean, you’re amazing… I love having you as a friend… and, hell, you can see right through me… you know I’d love to do unspeakable things to you,” he added, trying to joke.

Pavel was looking at him oddly now, and he wondered what he’d said that was so weird.

“But… I don’t know, I can’t explain it… something about making commitments and stuff… I run, Pavel. That’s what always happens. Someone wants to get more serious and I can’t handle it, so I take off. I think I broke up with one girl because she wanted to change her relationship status to “taken” on some stupid social networking site. And the three-week guy? I broke up with him because he wanted to make plans to go to prom together. I mean, who does that?” He finally allowed himself to look away from Pavel’s face and down at his clenched hands.

Pavel didn’t say anything for a minute. Then he asked, “So vhy haff you not run from me yet?”

Sulu blinked. “What?”

“Vell…” Pavel hesitated. “I tink I am understanding… You haff ze fling, or ze short-term relationship, but you break it off vhen you feel smothered, da?”

“Something like that, sure,” Sulu agreed.

“So vhy haff I not smothered you yet?” Pavel asked.

Sulu opened his mouth, then closed it. Then he tried again. “Because you didn’t act like you wanted to be in a relationship with me. You acted like you just wanted to be my friend.”

“And I do vant to be your friend,” Pavel agreed, “but is it not ze same ting? I vant your time, your attention, your interest… ze only ting ve did not do vas ze sex and ze intimacy.”

Sulu stared at him. The kid was making a scary amount of sense.

“You haff had plenty of chances to get rid of me for good… but here ve are, still together, still friends,” Pavel said quietly. “I rescued you, and you did ze same for me. You protected me from bullies, stopped me from killing myself tvice… You vatch out for me, you vant to spend time vit me, you let me sleep in your bed…” He licked his lips, but didn’t actually bring up the kissing. “So vhy vould it be different if ve started hawing sex?”

Sulu’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he could make a sound. “It… it just would, okay?”

Pavel clearly found that answer unacceptable.

“I… obviously I’m comfortable with being friends with you, you’re right,” Sulu agreed at last. “And that’s… safe. I can… I can maintain this friendship. It’s… surprisingly easy, actually… I enjoy it. But if we tried to be in a relationship…”

“You tink it vill not vork,” Pavel said slowly. “Vhat if ve vere just friends vit benefits? Vould dat vork better?”

“What? God, Pavel, no! You’re not listening!” Sulu exclaimed. “I value your friendship way too much to toss it aside for a quickie… or several quickies.”

“You vould rader haff nothing… den take a chance?” Pavel questioned.

“To keep you around? Yeah, I would,” Sulu said seriously.

“Vell dat is all vell and good for you, but vhat about me? I am crazy about you, and I do not know if I could…” Pavel paused, his eyes raking over Sulu carefully. “You are so tempting all of ze time. I am not sure I like ze idea of… of denying dis ting between us… just because you are vorried it vill not last.”

Sulu’s eyes closed briefly. “I’m not explaining myself properly, am I? That’s not what I’m worried about… Even if we tried a relationship and it somehow lasted for years, we could still break up down the road.”

Pavel shook his head. “I am confused. Vhat exactly are you vorried about den? If you are afraid of being hurt again, you know dat I vould newer…”

Sulu’s exhale came out sounding almost like a sob, making the teen in front of him jerk a little. Sulu leaned forward, tentatively cupping Pavel’s face with one hand. “Oh Pavel… I’m not worried about getting hurt… I’m really not. I can handle it. I just don’t want to hurt YOU!”

Pavel blinked, then stared wordlessly at him.

“I can be pretty damn insensitive when I break up with other people,” Sulu went on. “I break up with people for ridiculous reasons, and it never really goes well. I’m pretty sure all my exes just absolutely HATE me. I… don’t think I could bear it if I messed things up so badly with you that you didn’t even want to be my friend anymore.”

Pavel tilted his head, and for the first time since they’d started this conversation, he actually looked… pleased. “So you did not really care how much you hurt your ozzer partners?” he asked.

“No, I really didn’t,” Sulu sighed, remembering some of the callous things he’d said when dumping previous partners. “I’m kind of a selfish asshole sometimes… You haven’t really gotten a chance to see that side of me, and I hope you never do. Which is why we’re better off as friends.”

“You did not care about hurting dem… but you vill not date me because you are sure you vill end up hurting me?” Pavel asked, seeming stuck on this point.

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying!” Sulu exclaimed. “And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you!”

And to his astonishment, Pavel actually smiled at him. “Den ve vill be okay,” he declared, leaning forward to give Sulu a chaste peck on the lips.

Sulu couldn’t even move for a moment, he was so shocked. “What… but… How can you be so sure? Haven’t you been listening to a word I’ve said?”

“Of course I haff,” Pavel said with a smile. “I am not sure you haff been listening to yourself though. If you are already so vorried about vhether or not I vill be hurt… den you vill be careful not to hurt me. Just as I vill be careful not to hurt you.”

Sulu couldn’t even speak at this point. Pavel made it sound so simple.

“Ve can take our time,” Pavel continued. “I do not mind, really. I just… I do not vant to lose you because of… because of dis. Ve can work around dis.”

“You sound really sure of yourself,” Sulu said softly. “Why would you ever want to attach yourself to someone like me when you could find a much easier relationship…?”

“Relationships are not supposed to be easy,” Pavel said dismissively. “You are supposed to find someone you love and you are supposed to try to make it vork, no matter vhat. And dat is vhat I vant to do vit you.”

Sulu felt a little dizzy. “I don’t understand you… at all… How did you become so… wise?”

Pavel shrugged, a little grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I do not know. But I hope you understand vhat I am saying. You know I haff issues too, but you seem okay vit dem.”

“Sure, as long as I never catch you putting a razor blade to your wrists again,” Sulu said, just a little caustically.

Pavel nodded. “Da, I know. I promise, newer again, not ewen if ve break up in ze future. And at ze same time, I am ready to be here to help you. Dat is vhat people do vhen dey are in love.”

“I still don’t know why you seem so sure I’m in love with you,” Sulu said, trying to sound sarcastic and failing completely.

“If you haff as many intimacy issues as you say, you should haff pushed me avay a long time ago,” Pavel said bluntly. “You must haff found something about me dat you like.”

“Only one something?” Sulu asked, loosely grasping the teen’s shoulder and pulling him a little closer.

“Is dere more dan one?” Pavel asked just a little mischievously.

“They haven’t made numbers big enough to count all the things I lik… I love about you,” Sulu said, forcing the word past his lips with a little effort. And it was worth it to see the grin that lit up Pavel’s face for the brief moment before he pulled the teenager close, kissing him soundly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end of this chapter was written while listening to Default's Count On Me on repeat. This may have influenced the levels of sap.


	20. Now We're Official

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m going to make it my life’s mission to go around convincing people of how damn sexy John Cho is. Like seriously, exactly ONE of my friends sees it! He’s so hot! Everyone is all like “Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Karl Urban!” and I’m just over here like “…but… John Cho!” Seriously, he’s freaking sexy, go do a Google image search for John Cho in a suit. He’s absurdly hot, damnit!
> 
> Oh, and Pavel does talk a bit about his suicide attempts in this chapter, so slight trigger there, but frankly if you made it through those chapters unscathed, you should be fine now.

Pavel Chekov didn’t normally let people touch his curls.

Partly this was because the people that touched his curls tended to make obnoxious cooing noises, treating him more like a puppy or a very small child rather than the teenage genius he was. And partly this was because these people had a tendency to get their fingers tangled in the curls and PULL and it was uncomfortable. Or they just ruffled the curls and made such a mess of them… It was hard enough to keep his hair neat already, and he just really didn’t need to deal with people messing it up all the time.

But Hikaru… for some reason, Chekov didn’t mind those fingers in his curls, not even when they pulled. And he especially didn’t mind them right now… They were lying together on Hikaru’s bed, their legs tangled together and making Chekov feel warm despite the layers of clothes between their bodies, his head pillowed against Hikaru’s chest… and Hikaru was running his fingers through Chekov’s curls with a languorous slowness, gently untangling every knot he found, making sure his fingers never tugged on a single strand of hair. Chekov was slowly finding it in him to envy dogs and cats if this was how it felt for them to be petted by an attentive owner.

He had nearly dozed off under these gentle ministrations when Hikaru cleared his throat. “This may be a dumb question, but you… um… you don’t mind that I’m… with your hair?”

Chekov barely managed to open one eye, though he didn’t know why he bothered since Hikaru couldn’t see his face anyways. “You haff almost put me to sleep, does dat sound like I am hating dis?”

“Well, you don’t like when most people…”

“You are not most people.” And with that firm declaration, Chekov let himself relax again. For a moment, Hikaru’s fingers were still, but then they began to move again, so feather-light against his scalp that it felt more like a dream. 

They were quiet for a while, when Hikaru whispered something. It took a moment for Chekov’s sleepy brain to process that the words he whispered were “Thank you.”

“For vat?” Chekov asked, his accent made thicker than usual by sleepiness.

“For…” There was a moment’s hesitation, during which those gentle fingers stopped moving again. “For… stopping.”

Chekov frowned slightly, trying to work out that enigmatic answer. Then he felt a grin tug at the corners of his mouth. “Vell, you are finally seeing my side of tings… I do not haff to tempt you anymore.”

Hikaru’s short bark of laughter surprised him a little, but from the way his fingers went back to stroking through Chekov’s curls, the answer had been enough.

“Anyvays, to… to do anyting… it vould be breaking trust of many people… who haff done a lot for us…” Chekov continued.

“Yeah…” Hikaru agreed quietly. “My sister… Dr. McCoy… even the captain. Anyways, your birthday is only a couple weeks away… It’ll probably take me that long just to get used to the idea of… of this.” He paused for a minute before adding, “I don’t know if I’ll ever stop pinching myself. I still don’t quite believe it.”

“Beliewe vat?”

“Believe that you want me that much… want to be… with me… knowing all that you know about me…”

Chekov finally moved from his very comfortable position so he could look Hikaru in the eyes. “Stop,” he said quietly. “Just… stop.”

“Stop what? Hikaru asked, confusion darkening his already almost black eyes.

“Stop acting like you do not deserve me,” Chekov replied bluntly. 

Hikaru blinked.

“I may not be eighteen yet, but I tink I am smart enough to know vat I vant. And I vant you… all of you… all your secrets, all your problems, all de tings dat make you YOU.”

Hikaru’s hand moved to brush soft curls off of Chekov’s forehead. The very tip of his tongue appeared, wetting his lips as he prepared himself to speak again. “You are so gorgeous… and so brilliant… Why on earth would you want to attach yourself to me?”

“Because you…” Chekov hesitated for a moment, trying to decide what words he could use to wipe away the insecurity written all over his best friend’s face. He thought Hikaru was gorgeous and brilliant too, but parroting those words back to him just felt like it would cheapen this entire conversation. “Because even though you are insecure now, you do vant dis to vork. And you vill newer hurt me, not ewen if it kills you.”

“You’re really confident about things I’m not even sure of myself…” Hikaru said softly. “Why are you so sure?”

“Do you remember de night ve… met?” Chekov asked, hoping he wasn’t blushing.

Hikaru glanced away. “Not enough of it, but yeah,” he said, the tone of his voice carefully neutral.

Chekov wasn’t going to shy away from this conversation though. “I came on to you because I thought you vere hot. I did not expect to get attached. But I did. You vere different from others.”

Hikaru finally looked back at him. “I’m scared to ask but… how?”

Chekov smiled, that sweet endearing smile that he knew would make Hikaru melt every time. “You vere gentle.”

Whatever Hikaru had been expecting him to say, that clearly wasn’t on the list. “I… what?”

“You vere gentle,” Chekov repeated softly. “Ewery touch… ewery kiss…” He paused, shrugging helplessly. “Ewen den, not ewen knowing me, you did not vant to hurt me. I tink you care more dan you vant to giwe yourself credit for.”

Hikaru still seemed struck dumb by the revelation, for his mouth moved soundlessly for a moment before he finally shut it.

Chekov paused, wondering how far he dared to carry this conversation. “Vhen I… vhen I tried to kill myself…” he began.

Hikaru visibly flinched. “Pavel, can we… can we not talk about that? Please?” His eyes were haunted as he stared at a spot somewhere to Chekov’s left. “I… god, I still have nightmares about you… on that bathroom floor… and blood just… just everywhere, Pav…” He shivered and his arms tightened around Chekov’s shoulders.

Chekov winced, hating to see such pain on Hikaru’s face, and knowing he was responsible for putting it there. “Nyet, not dat time… vhat happened later… vit de glass… vhen you got your scar…”

“Oh…” Hikaru said, not really relaxing. He glanced at his palm. “Yeah… that wasn’t much better, if we’re being honest here.”

Chekov winced again. He was going to have to do a lot of work in the future to make up for those rash actions… He quickly covered Hikaru’s hand with his own, fingers idly tracing the scar he’d left behind. “Ewen stopping me from hurting myself… you vere still gentle. You could haff bruised me, it vould haff been… justifiable. But… you did not. You did not vant to hurt me, ewen vhen I vas trying to hurt myself.”

Hikaru stared at him, still unable to speak, dozens of emotions flitting across his face, too fast for Chekov to identify. Then without a word, he pulled Chekov close to him and just held him tightly. And if Chekov thought he felt tears fall onto the top of his head, he never mentioned it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After a conversation like that, there was no way in hell that Hikaru Sulu was letting his best friend (and sort-of new boyfriend, he supposed) return to his own room, so they spent another night curled up together in his bed. And Sulu wouldn’t admit it out loud right now (maybe someday, but not today), but he was having a hard time giving that up… It was so much easier to keep the nightmares at bay when Pavel was sleeping next to him, and Sulu was starting to wish he’d taken advantage of that a while ago.

Sulu managed to wake up before his alarm went off, and he just lay there, watching Pavel sleep. A fond smile crossed his face as he brushed an errant curl off Pavel’s forehead. Pavel made a pleased noise, and Sulu silently resolved to never… ever… break this boy’s heart.

His alarm started blaring a few minutes later, and the pair quickly got ready for their shift. As they walked up to the bridge, chatting about nothing in particular, they forgot all about their resolution to make Spock think they were avoiding each other, and so they entered the bridge together, taking their seats at their consoles in near-perfect unison.

And Sulu immediately felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up as the full-force of a Vulcan glare was turned directly on him. Automatically, his hand moved to rub at the spot on his collarbone where Pavel had marked him. But otherwise he pretended not to notice Spock’s attention, and managed to keep chatting with Pavel as though nothing was wrong.

When they headed to lunch, Pavel was waylaid by Leslie and her friends almost immediately. Sulu couldn’t fail to notice that the feisty redhead was becoming more and more aggressive as Pavel’s eighteenth birthday approached, and he tried to pretend that it didn’t bother him.

“So what happened?”

Sulu glanced up to see Nyota sitting down across from him as she always did when she saw him eating alone. “What do you mean?” he asked her.

“I mean, you two have been going out of your way to avoid each other during your shift… don’t think we haven’t noticed… you never come onto the bridge together or leave together… until today.”

“Yeah, I know, and did you see that Spock almost shat a brick when he saw us together this morning?” Sulu pointed out, rubbing the back of his neck. “I swear, I have burns from that glare of his, it was that intense.”

Nyota chuckled. “Yeah, he’s good at that, isn’t he?” she said ruefully. “But he…”

“Don’t say that he means well, I get it, I just don’t want to hear it, okay?” Sulu interrupted her.

“Okay, okay,” she said, holding up her hands in a gesture of surrender. After a beat, she added, “So what changed?”

“Hm?”

“Well, you came onto the bridge together this morning. What happened?”

“Oh… We weren’t thinking about it, I guess… We were just talking as we walked up here, and we just… got caught up in the conversation, is all.” And Sulu really had to resist rubbing that spot on his neck just then.

“Hmm,” she hummed skeptically. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

Sulu stared at her for a moment before going back to his meal.

“Something happened!” she insisted. Then one eyebrow went up. “You didn’t…?”

“No!” Sulu groaned, rubbing his forehead with the heel of his hand. “Jeeze, Nyota…”

“Well, it’s not that unreasonable… Have you seen the way he looks at you sometimes? Like you’re a perfectly cooked steak that he can’t WAIT to devour.”

Sulu rolled his eyes. “Thanks for putting that visual in my head. I really appreciate it.”

Nyota tilted her head a bit to one side and grinned that adorable grin of hers. “Aww, come on… It’s really cute that he’s got this adorable little puppy-love-type crush on you.”

“Hm,” Sulu grunted non-committedly. 

Nyota’s eyes narrowed and she leaned towards him. “Hikaru. Sulu. You know you can talk to me, right? It can’t be anything that bad if you guys are getting along so well.”

Sulu sighed. “Last night, I may have essentially told him he should think about focusing his attentions on someone else, like Leslie or someone.”

Nyota sat back again, shock etched all over her face. “Hikaru, you did not!” she gasped. “You two are so good together… you could be the great love story of this ship…”

Sulu rolled his eyes again. “Yeah, cuz that’s what we’re going for… fulfillment of your soap opera fantasies…”

“No, that’s the one where McCoy or somebody has an evil twin that seduces me or something before wreaking havoc on the ship,” Nyota teased. When Sulu just stared at her, she went on, “But really, you guys are so close and you obviously like each other, why on earth would you try to mess that up before it even began?”

Sulu stared down at his plate. “It’s… I just have this… I’m not good with relationships, okay? And I told him that, and that I don’t want to hurt him or break his heart or whatever.”

“And what did he say?” she asked.

Sulu grinned. “That I’m completely ridiculous and obviously I’m crazy about him if I’m so worried about the intactness of his heart before we’ve even start dating.”

Nyota’s grin seemed to threaten to split her face. “I knew there was something I liked about that kid!” she crowed.

“What, that he’s a know-it-all and stubborn as a mule?” Sulu asked sarcastically.

“He’s wise and he’s not afraid to go after what he wants,” Nyota corrected him gently, reaching out to touch his hand. Her eyes flicked to one side. “Is he going absolutely ape-shit right now?”

Sulu glanced behind her, and Pavel was definitely glaring even though he almost certainly couldn’t actually see her hand on his. “Oh, big time.”

“Get him over here then. I want to congratulate you guys. I’m assuming you’re officially dating now, right?”

“Uhh…” Sulu stammered, rubbing the back of his head. “I… I don’t know if I’d say that exactly… I mean…”

“Yeah yeah, still underage… Come on, you guys can be PG while dating, right?”

“I’m not even sure I want to go that far with Spock watching me like a hawk every time I’m within ten feet of Pavel,” Sulu tried to joke.

Nyota shook her head. “Talk to Dr. McCoy or Kirk if you’re having trouble with him again. I know Kirk’s rooting for you guys too, he’ll make Spock back off.”

“Yeah I know,” Sulu agreed. After a moment, he added, “Thanks.”

She smiled, then tapped the back of his hand with two fingers. “So, you gonna call him over or what?”

“Oh, right,” Sulu remembered, turning his head to catch Pavel’s eye. It wasn’t difficult; the boy was still glaring at Nyota, but his face relaxed into a half-smile when he caught Sulu’s eye. Sulu grinned back and subtly nodded his head toward the seat next to him. Pavel was on his feet at once, murmuring what was likely a hasty apology to the rest of his table. Nyota removed her hand before Pavel made it to the table and she grinned when Pavel covered that hand himself.

“Hey Pavel,” she said, a note of smugness barely present in her voice.

“Hello Nyota,” Pavel replied brightly. Then he turned to Sulu. “Vhat did you vant?”

“Nothing really,” Sulu said. “Nyota wanted you, actually.”

Pavel turned a quizzical head in her direction.

“I just wanted to say congratulations on getting this ridiculous man to finally realize how much he loves you,” she said, spearing a bit of lettuce from her replicated salad.

“Oh…” Pavel said, eyes widening a bit and glancing between the two of them in confusion. “But… how did you…?”

“She’s a nosey meddler,” Sulu replied with a smirk. She made an offended noise and then they all laughed.

As they got up to leave, Leslie was standing near the doorway, and she gestured frantically for Pavel to come over. Pavel groaned softly.

“Ah… nyet… ‘Karu, how do I tell her to go avay?” he lamented.

Sulu chuckled. “You sure you want to get rid of her?”

The look Pavel shot him could have curdled milk. “She is alvays giwing me hints dat she vants to date me… and I giwe her hints dat I am not interested… but she does not take dem.”

Sulu rested his hand for a moment on the small of Pavel’s back. “Maybe your hints have been too subtle so far.”

Pavel looked up at him through those too-adorable long lashes. “You tink so?”

“I do,” Sulu agreed. “You should be blunter.”

“Any suggestions?” Pavel asked innocently.

Sulu bit his lip for a moment, undecided. But the hopeful look on Pavel’s face made up his mind for him, and he ducked his head quickly to give Pavel a chaste peck on the lips. It lasted for only a second, but the way the teen’s eyes lit up made that second completely worth it.

“See you on the bridge then,” Sulu said, his hand brushing Pavel’s shoulder for a minute before he turned away to catch up with Nyota (who looked positively ecstatic about seeing them kiss). And if the shocked/jealous/baffled look on Leslie’s face made everything even more worth it, well… Sulu wasn’t telling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, Nyota is now a Chulu shipper… Actually, she’s been a Chulu shipper; I’m just making it more blatant for some reason.


	21. The Benefits of Being Behind Closed Doors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I know, I know, I know. I'm sorry. The last few months have been... just... so crazy. I cannot even express. It's been very stressful, and it's really only been since the beginning of December since I've been feeling like myself again. Things were bad, but now they're much better, and I'm going to try really hard to post some regular chapters.
> 
> Aggressive!Chekov is making yet another appearance because DUH! (I seriously did not realize that this was one of my kinks until I started writing this fic…)

When Pavel Chekov woke up alone only three days before his eighteenth birthday, he experienced a moment of panicked confusion. Now that he and Hikaru had come to an agreement about their mutual attraction, Chekov hadn’t spent a single night in his own room. Although they’d kept everything perfectly PG, it was still nice to be able to enjoy each other’s company without worrying about being judged by the rest of the crew.

It was a very careful balancing act for the pair, but especially for Chekov. Hikaru was naturally a cautious person, so it was extremely rare for him to do anything besides look, and maybe let his hand linger on Chekov’s shoulder or back for a second too long. But Chekov had many admirers on the ship, and the younger man wanted to let it be known once and for all that he wasn’t available.

So there had been the lingering glances, sitting close enough at lunch that their shoulders brushed while they talked with Nyota, and (on VERY rare occasions) a quick peck on the cheek or lips, usually given by Chekov to Hikaru. But there was never anything overt, nothing to warrant complaints to superior officers or (heaven forbid) Starfleet Headquarters… But keeping things kosher was taking its toll, and Chekov was relieved that soon they wouldn’t have to hide their love behind closed doors.

But if they had to be behind closed doors anyways… might as well make the most of it.

Chekov finally heard the noise of running water in the bathroom. So Hikaru had woken up before his alarm and turned it off so he could get ready without disturbing Chekov’s slumber. It was sweet, and Chekov couldn’t help but smile as he got out of bed.

Hikaru was just finishing shaving when Chekov walked in, and Chekov took the opportunity to admire his boyfriend’s shirtless and towel-draped physique. And his eyes lingered for an extra moment on the fresh bruise on Hikaru’s collarbone, dutifully replaced by Chekov whenever it started to fade. He enjoyed marking the other man as his, and the fact that it drove Hikaru wild only made it better. As of yet, Chekov was still unmarked, as they had decided by mutual consent that it was better to maintain plausible deniability. After all, a hickey on the underage navigator would be a bit difficult to explain away… 

Chekov realized he was licking his lips and he stopped quickly before Hikaru noticed. Hikaru caught his eye in the mirror and finally turned his head.

“What?” he asked. “Did I miss a spot?”

So he’d been caught staring… at least he hadn’t been caught licking his lips… Chekov had to take a moment to swallow, and Hikaru waited for him to speak.

“Nyet… you did not miss a spot… You are just…” He hesitated a second longer, then took a few steps until he was just close enough to touch, though he didn’t yet. “You are just… stunning.” And he finally reached out, his fingertips brushing the smooth skin on Hikaru’s cheek.

For just a moment, Hikaru’s eyes fluttered shut and he leaned into the touch, then his eyes snapped open again. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready for shift?” he asked.

“Can I kiss you good morning first?”

A small half-smile appeared on Hikaru’s face, and his shining eyes were enough of an answer, so Chekov leaned in and kissed him. And he couldn’t resist kissing more than just his mouth, lips brushing against the smooth cheeks and stubble-free chin… feather-light kisses that teased and promised more than they satisfied either party. But Hikaru’s aftershave was intoxicating, and Chekov could have happily drowned in the scent, letting it overwhelm his senses.

Hikaru gasped as Chekov pressed his lips more forcefully against the dark bruise on his collarbone. He had turned completely to face Chekov while they kissed, and now his hands gripped the edge of the counter. Chekov took advantage of that, pressing his body against Hikaru’s, and yes, there was proof that Hikaru was finding all this very sexy…

A soft chuckle distracted him from placing kisses down the smooth planes of Hikaru’s chest. Chekov glanced up. “Vhat is funny?”

“Just…” Hikaru gasped as Chekov blew on a spot he’d just kissed. “Just that… no one would believe me… if I told them…” He finally pried his hands off the counter, sliding them up Chekov’s t-shirt, and the younger man squirmed at the contact. Soon the t-shirt was on the floor, and Hikaru’s fingers were dancing across Chekov’s bare back.

“Told dem vhat?” Chekov pressed when Hikaru fell silent again.

“Told them how aggressive you can be… and how unbelievably hot it is seeing you like this,” Hikaru finally panted out as Chekov’s tongue teased at first one nipple, then the other. “Damnit, Pavel…” he moaned, dipping his head back. “You should not be so good at this.” For a moment, his nails scrabbled against Chekov’s skin, seeking purchase and finding none.

Chekov smirked. “Dere are many tings I am good at dat I should not be. Vould you like to find out vhat one of dose tings is?” His hands danced along Hikaru’s hipbones, just on the edge of the towel wrapped around his boyfriend’s waist.

It took a moment for Hikaru to catch up. “Pavel, that is such a bad idea,” he said, though the breathlessness of his voice belied the words a little. He snatched Chekov’s hands, holding them still and not letting them remove the towel.

Chekov knew his smile was perfectly sweet and innocent. “It is not sex, so ve are still keeping to the rules. Besides… ve haff both been haffing a difficult time. Dis vill take de edge off.”

“It still counts as…” Hikaru began, but he shut up when Chekov’s leg slipped between his… Chekov’s thigh pressing against him, the towel creating friction that Chekov could only imagine was overwhelming. Chekov lightly pressed one finger to Hikaru’s lips.

“Hush. Let me.”

For just a moment, he thought Hikaru wasn’t going to let go of him… not that he really minded being pinned by those arms, made so muscular by fencing and working out. But slowly the grip loosened, and Chekov was allowed to slide to his knees in front of Hikaru. Chekov’s hands shook for only a moment as he carefully unwrapped the towel, and Hikaru bit his lip as his cock sprang free.

Hikaru gasped as Chekov’s fingers wrapped themselves around his cock, and the moan that escaped his lips when Chekov’s tongue traced the head was positively obscene. It took every ounce of self-control that Chekov possessed to keep going slowly, but he didn’t want to rush anything, not now. His tongue moved languidly down the shaft, soaking in the taste that was so uniquely and wonderfully Hikaru. For a moment, Hikaru’s fingers gripped Chekov’s shoulders, but then they were gone, and Chekov looked up to see Hikaru was gripping the edge of the counter instead.

Chekov barely resisted rolling his eyes and glanced up at Hikaru through his eyelashes, fixing him with a carefully seductive stare. “I vill not break,” he whispered, one hand covering one of Hikaru’s and bringing it back to his own shoulder. And he gripped Hikaru’s hip with one hand before taking as much of Hikaru’s cock into his mouth as he could manage. And he was rewarded by fingernails digging into not one but both shoulders. There was no pressure in either direction, no pushing or pulling; only the dig of very appreciative nails as a stream of curses left Hikaru’s lips.

Chekov pressed more firmly against Hikaru’s hip, guarding against what he was sure would be inevitable thrusting, but Hikaru was surprisingly steady, even if he was slowly going to pieces. The other hand moved to pump at the shaft even as his tongue danced over every inch he could reach. And when he sucked, he felt Hikaru shiver and heard the low whining noise he made.

It was over far too soon, in Chekov’s estimation. Then again, he wouldn’t have minded doing this all day, so perhaps he was a tad biased. But when he heard Hikaru’s breath hitch and felt the pressure from his fingers change, Chekov knew exactly what was coming, and he swallowed down everything, his fingers still working Hikaru’s cock as he shuddered through his orgasm. And then Hikaru’s hands were off his shoulders and Chekov could feel Hikaru sagging slightly against the counter… but he still managed to grip Chekov’s wrist in one hand, pulling the younger man to his feet and bringing him in for a kiss.

“Talented,” Hikaru murmured, his lips brushing against Chekov’s, they were still so close. “God, Pavel, you’re so unbelievably amazing.”

“Flatterer,” Chekov teased, kissing him again.

“Let me…” Hikaru began.

Chekov shook his head. “Nyet, dere is not time. Later, maybe,” he added with a sweet smile. Hikaru looked ready to fall to the floor, so Chekov left him to it, slipping into the shower and taking himself in hand before he could get to the business of getting ready for another day on the bridge. His head rested for a moment against the shower wall as he replayed every nuance of Hikaru’s expression… and somehow that was more erotic than any of his previous fantasies.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hikaru Sulu was of the opinion that it was simply not right for someone to look that good on his knees… but Pavel was always full of surprises. That very talented tongue made him dizzy, and it had been a challenge not to start thrusting into that warm cavern that was Pavel’s mouth, but Sulu was absolutely a gentleman and that sort of thing just wasn’t done.

Somehow that gentlemanly streak didn’t stop him from leaving deep red scratches scoring Pavel’s shoulders and shoulder blades. But at least those would be easily concealed beneath the uniform shirt.

As the aftershocks of his orgasm wore off, Sulu couldn’t help but notice the small white trail that had managed to slip free from Pavel’s mouth. Between that and the scratches, he looked thoroughly debauched and Hikaru had to resist the urge to ruffle those curls to enhance the effect. There would be time for that later, he reminded himself sternly. But he did pull Pavel to his feet, kissing away the evidence, though there was little he could do about the slightly swollen lips. Tasting himself mixed with Pavel’s unique flavor was an experience that Sulu decided would also have to be repeated.

“Talented,” he heard himself sigh, even as he took another taste. “God, Pavel, you’re so unbelievably amazing.”

“Flatterer,” Pavel teased, kissing him back, but not quickly enough that Sulu didn’t see the little smirk that appeared and vanished in just a moment.

Hikaru was also a big believer in mutual satisfaction. Although he wasn’t sure how much time they had before shift, surely there was enough to reciprocate in some way… “Let me…” he started to say.

But Pavel was a step ahead of him (of course he was!), and already moving towards the shower. “Nyet, dere is not time. Later, maybe.” And that smile on his face left Sulu in no doubt that Pavel would be collecting on this promise, even if he hadn’t strictly agreed yet. Then again, saying the words weren’t necessary… and Pavel knew that.

While Pavel showered, Hikaru cleaned up (though Pavel had been thorough and little was required) and dressed, making sure that he was completely presentable and showed no signs of their little morning activities. And he was ready to leave when Pavel emerged, fully dressed, from the bathroom with only minutes to go before their shift started. They left Sulu’s quarters together and headed straight for the lift, which was deserted as they began their ascent to the bridge.

“Remember,” Pavel said suddenly, “Kommander Spock is a touch-telepath.”

Sulu couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Pav, if you think that what we did this morning is worse than some of the things I’ve thought about doing with you, you’re crazy.”

Pavel looked at his, eyebrows going up and interest snapping in those hazel eyes.

“Trust me, I know better than to let Spock get access to my thoughts,” Sulu said with a rueful grin. “I’d rather not be thrown in the brig…”

Pavel nodded, but his eyebrows remained in place.

“And no, I’m not telling you about those fantasies. Not now, anyways,” he amended. “Maybe later.” And he ruffled Pavel’s curls just as the lift doors open, setting off a stream of Russian exclamations that made Nyota stare at both of them as they stepped onto the bridge. She grabbed her PADD and typed something into it. As they sat down at their consoles, Pavel’s PADD beeped at him.

“What does Nyota want?” Sulu asked, lowering his voice as much as he could and praying that Spock couldn’t hear them.

Pavel glanced back at their commander, then boldly scooted his chair until it bumped into Sulu’s, showing him the Russian letters gracing his screen. Sulu lifted his eyebrows expectantly.

“She is vanting to know vhat ve vere talking about in de lift,” Pavel said, a mischievous grin appearing on his face, one that Sulu was relieved that no one else could see.

“And what will you tell her?” Sulu asked. 

And he couldn’t help but admire Nyota’s cleverness. Spock may have known many languages, but it was common knowledge that he was not fluent in most of the Terren dialects since everyone on Earth was able to speak Standard. Questioning Pavel in his native tongue insured that Spock would not be privy to the conversation… and might increase her chances of picking up some juicy gossip.

Pavel smirked, typed a few characters, and sent it back to Nyota. A moment later, she swiveled in her seat to stick her tongue out at Pavel… and Sulu, though he didn’t know why he had to be included in that.

“Okay, people, shift has started!” Kirk called out, shooting a glare at his communications officer, pilot, and navigator. It lacked any real venom though, and everyone just nodded to him. Pavel slid back to his seat, casually ignoring Sulu’s attempts to catch his eye. It was nearly forty minutes later before Sulu was able to speak to him properly again.

“Come on, what did you say to her?” Sulu hissed, still worrying that Spock would overhear them.

Pavel finally turned to face Sulu, and he leaned in close, so close that his lips brushed the edge of Sulu’s ear, making him shiver in his seat. “I told her to mind her own business,” he murmured in Sulu’s ear. At Sulu’s incredulous look, he added, “Vhat did you tink I vas going to tell her, dat I gawe you head in de bathroom before shift? As if!” he snorted.

The snort and the indignant look on his face, coupled with the way he’d said everything, pushed Sulu into an uncontrollable fit of giggles, and he had to clap his hand firmly over his mouth to muffle the sounds before Kirk had to reprimand him for not taking their work on the bridge seriously.

Yes, there were a great many things Sulu loved about the young man next to him…


End file.
